look at me when i’m typing to you
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15 just called The Beastie Boys old people music so it looks like we’re gonna be empty nesters a few years ahead of schedule
Whenever a news article says the world’s oldest person has died, they never mention the suspects. Who stands to gain from this? Did they have any enemies? What about the second oldest person? What’s their alibi?
It’s Journalism 101, people!
Hundreds of years ago, a group of fat women secretly met under the cover of darkness. That night, they invented the word “voluptuous.”
My first date was awful. Never eaten them since.
I failed a history exam, stood-up my girlfriend and accidentally bought a packet of figs today because I’m terrible with dates.
had to share :’)
My brother in law sent us adorable Valentines from our 14 month old niece who we have never met (They live in Canada)
Her litlte red handprints are the card are so sweet…except it also kinda looks like she bathed in the blood of her enemies and then sent us a warning
who called it girl dinner and not the female graze.
He leans in, looks into my eyes, and lowers the lights. I go in for the kiss.
And now I’m being escorted out of the opticians.
*sails into the Bermuda Triangle and disappears*
*an hour later*
7yo: Oh, there you are. Can I play video games?
Sleeping is my drug, my bed is my dealer and my alarm is the police.🙃
Me: *buying a pair of socks and a pack of gum*
Kohl’s cashier: You saved $439 today.
Me: I banged your Mom.
My Son: I know, Dad. I know.
People think i am so incapable of doing anything on my own that even if i commit suicide they would say it was murder.
Sorry I painted a hat on your head while you were sleeping, but I can’t knit.
Chicken Doctor: *strutting in* I’m afraid he has passed.
Chicken Widow: BUT WHY
Chicken Doctor: To get to the other side.
I wish my car could shake off the rain before going into the garage,
just like a dog after a bath
I had to go to a catholic mass for a funeral and it was the first one I’d been to in a long time and it’s funny the priest gets a bigger communion wafer than everyone else. This is Literally God and I get more of Him than all of you
ME: *walking through the park, minding my own business, carrying a small baggie full of poop*
YOU: Where’s your dog?
ME: Why do people keep asking me that?!
I think “Ur mom” is a sassy answer to any question.
Especially “Who gave birth to me” or “Who divorced my dad”.
Scientists discovered the largest prime number yet (23 million digits) when it was given to them as the confirmation number after a customer service call with their internet provider.
What kind of deranged lunatic gets home from a long night at the bar and eats a piece of fruit?
when you’re trying to sneak out and grab the amazon package first thing in the morning but your neighbor spots you
I love reading replies to long-deleted tweets and comments and trying to piece together the original context like some kind of twitter archaeologist
Me: Hello, is it me you’re looking for?
Her: no
Me: *dials another number* Hello, is it me you’re looking for?
Him: You’re sexy as hell.
Her: I’m an atheist.
Him: You’re sexy as vast abysmal and empty nothingness.
Her: Awwwww, thank you.
In case you wanted to mess with me, just know I went 10 for 10 at trivia last night on the round about famous female killers.
I got this “breathe” tattoo because I don’t have a central nervous system and it’s a helpful reminder.
The Raptcha…you have to prove you’re not a robot before you can get into heaven
Friend: I’ve been so productive lately! Today I’m gonna organize my closet, color code my bookshelf and bake allllll the bread.
Me: That’s awesome. I’m gonna try to keep my phone from going below 20%.