look at me when i’m typing to you
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VOICEMAIL: I’m sorry I can’t come to the phone right now, my toddler typed the wrong password 200 times so I can’t try again until next year
Life Hack: In any hipster coffee shop, say “You haven’t seen The Wire?” and in the ensuing commotion, leave without paying.
My doctor told me I’ve been using Q-tips incorrectly. At least I think that’s what she told me. I couldn’t really hear her that well.
Newton’s daughter had dem apple fallin genes, boots with the fur
The most unrealistic thing about Warrior Cats isn’t the talking cats it’s their names. I’ve been around feral cats; they wouldn’t call themselves Stormheart or whatev. More like: “I am called Lord Orange. Here are my finest warriors: Orange, Orange & Also Orange.”
WIFE: Are you dipping your fries in mashed potatoes?
ME: The Amazon is on fire, Helen. The old rules are dead.
getting v. tired of living inside an interesting part of next century’s history textbooks
EVERY picture my husband takes of me is like
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Telling my Gen Z coworker that I have email addresses older than her was not the flex I thought it would be
I’ve updated my will…
“Being of sound mind, I spent it all.”
*A demon tries to posses my soul while I sleep but can’t because he’s choking on all of the axe body spray I’m wearing*
If you remove all the segments where they tell you what’s coming up, Dateline is actually only 13 minutes long.
I enjoy long walks away from the scene of the crime.
Gravy boat is a pretty stupid name. You don’t fill a regular boat with water…
My gas mower died so I replaced it with an electric one. It doesn’t smoke or smell and is really quiet and now I don’t know how I’m supposed to alert the rival dads when I’m beating them to cutting the grass.
Car’s automatic gearbox shit itself and I was staring down the barrel of a £7.5k repair job, gingerly drove the car home to ‘think it over’ and someone drove right up my arse and wrote it off. I couldn’t stop smiling at the side of the road, the guy thought I was a psychopath.
Eating a block of cheese is probably the most delicious way to figure out it’s time to get some groceries.
For International Women’s Day, I’d like to recognize my sister wife. Without her I’d have to manage my kids’ timeouts and nag my husband all by myself. Thank you, Alexa.
Me (on a plane): oh dang my friends are going to flip when I send a pic of this airplane wing and the clouds
Facebook marketplace is a different world
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OKAY DAD
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I used to mix metaphors but that ship has flown.
Guy on plane:
*hits me in face with coat*
That was me.Me: *turns around*
*pokes him in the eye*
*takes his peanuts*
And that…was me.
*first time fishing*
Me: Ok now what
Friend: See that hook? You’re aiming to get that in the mouth
Me: orkay nrow wrhat
“I need a woman who can help me grow”
First of all, I’m not Fertilizer.
My 6yo: (looking outside) It’s raining
My 10yo: but not pouring
Me: and the old man is not snoring
6yo:
10yo:
Me:
6yo: YOU’RE an old man
Me: 😑
“This is a robbery! Be cool and nobody gets hurt!”
ME: *starts vaping*
I’m not above selling your kidney or my oldest child for a phone charger. I mean, if it came down to it. Not just like for fun.
If you can moonwalk out of a police station without bumping into anything they have to drop all charges.
Losing your spouse can be hard.
But it’s not impossible.