“LOOK AT MY ASSHOLE.” -Cats
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Just spent 5 minutes waving my hands in front of a manual paper towel dispenser if anyone needs someone to take their SAT exam for them.
My therapist said that “everyone is stupid except for me” is not a helpful mindset. Sounds like something a stupid person would say, if you ask me
Got capsaicin in my eye again. I, justly, blame the squirrels.
Bumped into my Ex again. I should really move her to a different part of the freezer.
people see me spend money and think im rich bro im just irresponsible
*brings change of clothes in case they serve ribs*
I work out with two other gays a few times a week and one of them said this morning “I’m going to a gala where we have to wear caftans á la Mrs. Roper from Threes Company” and I heard our very straight, very young trainer just mumble “I didn’t understand a word of that sentence.”
“She sends things to strangers on the internet and no one even cares but she keeps doing it” – my dad, explaining me on twitter to my aunt.
Never judge a married man until you’ve walked on his eggshells.
Do the people who make chairs know what humans look like or nah
Flight attendant: Before landing, please make sure all small electronic items are secure
Me: *whispering to my tamagotchi* do you feel safe, bud?
Sometimes at the beach it’s like “gross, is that a condom?” Yes. And it’s staying on. Not looking to raise any shark children.
I’d buy a lot more exercise pants if they were called eating pants.
I asked my 3 year old why she was wearing a bathing suit to dinner as if I’ve never met a toddler before
Don’t you love it when you’re doing a nude selfie in a leather harness and you accidentally press answer on your mom’s face time?
Guest in disgust:
This tastes like feet!Host: Dammit Eloise! What have I told you about substituting ingredients in recipes?
– cannibal dinner party
She just offered me a “1/4 caffeinated coffee.”
I told her I’d have eight, please.
I wondered why everyone said I had “bed hair”, until I looked in the mirror and noticed a tiny mattress on top of my head.
You’ve been kidnapped. Your kidnappers allow you to keep tweeting to pretend everything is alright. What would you tweet that would alarm your followers without the kidnappers knowing you’re asking for help?
“And then I put in the exact amount of garlic the recipe called for.”
I’m never more unattractive than when a bee flies in my face
I have many caverns
5 SECONDS AGO!
What do we want?
TIME TRAVEL JOKES!
When do we want them?
To prepare yourself for having a kid: Every night before bed say to your phone “Siri, Set an alarm. Surprise me.”
Picture someone stepping down off a curb that they didn’t realize was there. Now you can say you’ve seen me dance.
*Showing Pet Sematary to 6yo daughter
“Anyway, this is what happens to kids who don’t learn how to spell.”
My supervisor said I’m worth my weight in gold so I’m eating these donuts to increase my value.
the only thing i remember about my school’s gifted program was learning about whales.
what was it about whales that the other kids weren’t ready for? the mystery haunts me to this day.
My boss gave me his credit card for lunch and said “grab yourself something too” yet seems surprised that I went shoe shopping…
Weird.
Due to market uncertainty my wife asked if we should move around our money and I agreed.
I jiggled the change in my pocket.