“LOOK AT MY ASSHOLE.” -Cats
You Might Also Like
Her: Who ate all the ice cream?
Me: *blaming the dog* Reese
Her: What? How?
Me: Witherspoon
Me: “At last, sunny weather! Time to go outside and develop a healthy glow!”
Pollen: “I’m going to make you look like you’ve been pepper sprayed”
Saw a tweet about foods to help your sex life.
I need sex to help my sex life, not food.
If any Disney execs are reading this, call me. I’ve got an idea for another Star Wars spin off. It’s called Paul Darth, Maul Cop.
Take me down to the paradise city where the grass is green and hey why did you bring all these goats they’re eating this luscious grass.
Damn, Twitter. If I wanted to get ignored this hard, I’d yell at my kids
What’s a random act of kindness you’ve done for a stranger recently? I helped a bunch of teens buy alcohol and cigarettes the other day
“It’s cold!”, “Happy birthday!”, “I’m so blessed”, “Political rant!”… There, now you don’t have to go to Facebook today. You’re welcome.
Do NOT do this 🙄🙄
Handmaid’s TALE not Handmaid’s Handbook
“Excuse me, do you validate parking?”
I sure do, champ. *kisses your forehead* Your parking is second to none.
That’s disgusting! Where did you learn to do that?! Don’t wipe boogers on Mommy’s pillow!
Wipe it on Daddy’s
Me: I’m going to poop
Dog: Great I’m coming with you
If you want to hide something from me, put it in the fridge. there are several things there celebrating birthday
kanye is pretty mean for someone with yay in their name.
I bet the best part of being in your 70s is you get to drive through buildings and people just say “oh he must’ve hit the gas instead of the brakes” and that’s it
[ robbing grocery store ]
me: put the money in the bag
her: paper or plastic
The year is 2543. Beyblades are a form of currency. Everyone speaks in emoji. President Woof outlaws all cats. Madonna releases a new single
You’d think wearing a hospital gown in a pharmacy would insure prompt service, well I’m here to tell you kids, it does not.
Yeah I can fight, I’m professionally trained in the style of panic attack.
3 weeks ago: I can’t get plastic bags for my groceries?!?!! 😠
Today: I can’t get groceries. 😑
friend: you’re not taking this chess game seriously
me: [pushing tiny horse down into my chocolate pudding] ARTAAAAX!
DOG 911: what’s the emergency?
DOG: a boy threw a ball but I can’t find it
DOG 911: did u check his hand?
DOG: of course I checked hi—DAMMIT
My beef with you is that you’re too chicken to pork me.
One thing I miss about the pandemic is getting to rip my mask off like I just botched an appendectomy.
Mom asked me what it’s like being a single middle aged woman so I took a handful of cat & dog hair from my purse and threw it in her coffee.
Hi I’m making some changes in my life if you don’t hear from me you are one of them.
HR: No. 1 asset u would bring to Verizon customer support?
Applicant: Integrity
HR: Seriously?
A: No.
HR: Hired!
BRAAAAAIDS
-zombie sleepover