“LOOK AT MY ASSHOLE.” -Cats
You Might Also Like
“I’ll just use bug spray”
Mosquitos in the Midwest
why is being alive so expensive. I’m not even having a good time.
Got thrown out of Joann Fabrics for asking for wife material.
me: is there anything i can say to stop you from leaving
wife: no
me: no
Once accidentally liked an insta of someone I hadn’t spoken to in yrs so I had to like 1/2 her entire feed & reach out abt getting lunch
In what can only be described as the least surprising coincidence of all time, I just found out that the 5 year-old girl who keeps stealing the buttons off my son’s shirts at school is named Coraline
first my neighbor liked my electric fencing, then he was on the fence, and now he’s dead set against it
I have a new alter ego named Princess of Optimism. You may call me Poo.
For most, bikini season lasts a few short summer months, but I catch enough & store them so efficiently I can eat bikini all year round.
A billionaire has built a submersible, saying he wants to prove it’s still safe to visit the Titanic. Somebody tell these guys it wasn’t even safe to be ON the Titanic!
Freezing bananas before they go bad is a great tip I learned 6 months ago. Now I have a freezer full of bananas
Me munching on an apple: Why is it every time I go to the theater I get stuck behind the lady with the fruit hat?
Parent hack: if you tell your kids Monday is a holiday they’ll wake up early and you can get them to school on time.
Technically, all restaurants are drive-thru it just depends how committed to the task you are.
My kid can name 32 crayon colours but when I ask what colour was that car that backed into our’s he’ll say “a bit like my yesterday’s poop”
Wife: You’ve been a naughty boy…
Me: Yes I have!
Wife: *Removes mask to reveal she is actually Santa*
Me: NOOOOOOOOOOO
“I really have no idea how to pronounce my name but I won’t admit it.”
Guys named Geoff.
HIM: If you’re upset that people think you’re weird, have you tried being less weird?
ME: [eating ice cream with chopsticks] Yes.
When I was 22 I’d stay up late and wake up early just so I could fit more in my day
Now if there’s more than 2 things on my agenda I need a nap
God I hate kids.
And people.
And animals.
And sardines.
And stuff that’s alive.
And stuff that’s dead.
I hate stuff.
I like cheese.
Cartoons falsely taught me to expect encountering an unimaginable amount of anvils in my day to day life
My tween, who wanted money, told me I don’t look a day over 41. I’m 40.
It’s getting disrespectful how long it takes for me to scroll to my birth year
There’s a song playing in Panera that goes “I got your Christmas right here”, and this just sounds so aggressive to me .
Finally getting around to calling all those kids that wrote in my middle school yearbook, “We should hang out this summer.”
Never run with scissors. Unless…
• You stole them
• You’re running a 400 meter scissor relay
• You’re being chased by giant paper dolls
Dolly Parton wrote Jolene and I Will Always Love You on the same day. Today I put a wash on, walked the dog and I’m now making tea. That’s three things. Your move country girl, your move.
[watching any cowboy movie ever] i should buy a horse
CAVEMAN: I got a Masters in History
CAVEMAN 2: Nice! How long did that take?
CAVEMAN: Nearly half an hour