“LOOK AT MY ASSHOLE.” -Cats
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Cashier: sir the conveyor belt isn’t meant for riding
Me: I- I gotta know
Cashier: know what?
Me: *sighs* what I’m really worth.
scan me
I wish the dude that jogs around my neighborhood all day would wear a Super Mario costume. And occasionally duck into sewers.
Me: how do I get one of those singing groups?
Director: you mean a choir?
Me: *exasperated sigh* yes fine, how do I acquire one of those singing groups?
5yo: I know what the middle finger means.
Me: What?
5yo: It’s bad.
Me: It’s alright. You can say it.
5yo: It means you want to fight god.
I’ll grow my beard out just so I can knock on a strangers door & whisper, “I’m here to pick your kid up for prom. Either one. I don’t care.”
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
Them: Why are you late?
Me: I’m not allowed to run over cyclists.
I snuggle with my sweetie boo and seductively ask, “Would you still think I’m cuddly without skin?”
Your smile is radiant. Close your MOUTH.
Landlord just came in the office and inserted £100 in my cleavage. I would question my professional integrity but £100! Wooo hooo.
HR says I’m not allowed to build an electric fence around my desk for days I have to go into the office .
wife: what’s wrong?
slug: boss said I work slowly.
wife: he’s harsh. take it with a grain of-
slug: TAKE IT WITH A GRAIN OF WHAT, DIANE?
Bring an urn speed dating.
Whenever a prospective match asks a question, whisper to urn, “I don’t know, Mom: should I tell him?”
[Lying on a bed of expensive Vitctoria’s Secret panties]
Me: This is absolutely magnificent.
[Alarm clock sounds. Wakes up on a bed of dollar store panties]
Me: This is pretty alright I guess.
REASONS TO KEEP A WRITER IN YOUR HOME
• they know weird facts
• they’re low maintenance because all they do is eat and write
• great for midnight chats because they don’t sleep
• if they have to edit they’ll procrastinate by cleaning your whole house
Inflation pfft, the worst part of going shopping is all the stupid people in the store.
Why would I get married when it’s a well known fact that only 50% of all marriages end in divorce?
“Lemme do a quick poop and I’ll be right with you.” – me working the deli counter
Went onto the patio and found out that my daughter is in the process of making fake dog doo with insulating foam sealant. Do I ask or just let nature take its course? #QuarantineCrafts
If we’re out of croutons, I’ll just turn the toaster upside down and shake it over my salad.
SON: I need you to check under the bed for monsters.
ME: Listen, I appreciate your confidence in me, but if there’s a monster under there it’s going to kill us both.
The day we decided such footwear would be called “flip-flops” was not our most creative moment.
Cat owners aren’t lazy. They’re just often paralyzed for hours because the supreme ruler of the house is sleeping on their lap.
Shoutout to my upstairs neighbors who wrestled a large moose last night
Don’t ask a pregnant lady “do you know the sex?” obviously she knows about sex she’s pregnant you stupid idiot
Oh, man. My grandma caught me texting my OTHER grandma and now things are super tense.
I don’t always go outside but when I do I hit my forehead really hard on a shelf to make sure I look like an idiot.
I was told my $750 iPhone would improve the quality of my phone calls, but my family keeps calling telling me the same shit.
I really hope my house is haunted and not in need of structural repairs
2000 years ago:
god: i shall sacrifice my only son so that all may have eternal lifeToday:
god, watching us eat tide pods: jesus christ