Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

So after 75 long days, this week is finally over

Ordered a book about trees from my library. It’s on root.

cool hat i found in the hospital bathroom for a cowboy like myself

pet owner’s tip: glue the very tip of your cat’s tail to the center of their back to make a convenient cat-carrying handle.

Do you have to go to the bathroom?
No
You sure?
Yes
How about now?
No
Now?
No
[movie begins]
Daddy?
FOR CRYING OUT LOUD

I would have suggested they just use a regular volleyball, but I guess the Olympics are special.

Stop pronouncing it “pecan.” Everyone knows it’s “pecan.”

#WhenYouAdoptAPet you’ll always be safe from cheese. #tailsofjoy

If you work for UPS or FedEx, you speak Parceltongue.

I just dropped my pen on the public restroom floor.
I’ll miss that pen.

Frankenstein?

*contemplates closet full of sweater vests* Okay, so I misjudged what to panic buy.

You guys ever see the Malaysian Matrix

I’d be a terrible surgeon because my hands shake, and also because I didn’t go to medical school of any kind.

People named Rolf be rolling on the laughing floor

My son found some handcuffs under our bed so I had to have “the talk” today…
I’m an international crime fighter now

I prefer to think in terms of “good” cholesterol and “misunderstood” cholesterol.

landlord put a coin-op pay box on the laundry a month into our stay so I’m looking up the manufacturer and buying a replacement key for it to steal my quarters back.

[hours after first date]

HER: *on phone* yeah i went on the date but he was creepy.

*i’m just sitting outside her bedroom window in shock*

Teamwork is essential, it allows you to blame someone else.

If you factor in “supply and demand”… she DOES NOT want the D.
There is so much D trying to go around, not even the alphabet wants the D.

Her: What’s with the bunny?

Him: I’m teaching him to look into the mirror and say, “you talkin’ to me?”

Her: Why?

Him: Because Rabbit Deniro is a badass and an artist, Lauren.

Blood is thicker than water, but maple syrup is thicker than blood. So pancakes are more important than family. There, I said it.

Harmonicas were invented in 1932 when the worst person in the world decided he needed to organize his hot air into compartments.

went down to city hall to get married and they said I have to provide my own husband? explain to me why I pay taxes

“I don’t care how goodlooking you are if you don’t have any brains.” -Zombies

Him: I’m really into clean eating.

Me: [trying to impress] I almost never eat food I’ve dropped on the floor.

My 4yo niece: do you have a girlfriend?
Me: no
Niece: a boyfriend?
Me: no
[pause]

Niece: do you have a friend?

[Rome]

CENTURION: please state your date of birth
CITIZEN: May I
CENTURION: yes
CITIZEN:
CENTURION:
CITIZEN:
CENTURION: when is it tho

*approaches pond*
*water recedes*
*turns away*
*water returns*
What the ??
*approaches pond*
*water recedes*
Oh, I see. This is a coy pond.