Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Her: Have you seen my glue gun?

Me: *Eating popcorn chicken right off a cob* No.

I forgot the word “espresso” so I asked the barista for a smaller, angrier coffee

i finally quit drinking for good

now i drink for evil

When I’m mad at my dog, I watch dog shows on Animal Planet and ignore him.

[commercial for kinder eggs]

are you tired of mean eggs

I’ve never played Jenga, but I have had to extricate myself from a sleeping toddler in my bed, so I think I could handle it.

“Where can I find the paper towels?”
“Who’s asking?”

I love it when all my iPhone apps tremble in fear when I’m about to delete one of them. Makes me feel like God.

Sometimes you just need to burn everything down to start over.. take a deep breath. close your eyes and enjoy the heat..

aaaaaaaaaaaaannnnnnd apparently that’s also arson.

I brushed my hair and put on mascara to go look for a tree. Sup trees, how YOU doin

*takes your order*
*goes to kitchen*
*comes back*
“did you say grilled cheese or gorilla cheese?”
grilled
*sighs*
*goes to kitchen*

I’ve just ordered some of those packaging air pockets from Amazon and can’t wait to see what they’re delivered in.

*adds resume embellisher to resume*

Her: Going out with the girls.
Me: Please give my best to the coven.
Her:
Me: Did I say that out loud?

Her: Ugh. Don’t look at me. I’ve put on a little baby weight.

Me: DEAR GOD!! WHY ARE YOU EATING SO MANY BABIES!?

Ain’t no panic like when you think you’ve misplaced your driving cheese.

I like to throw bottles into the ocean with notes that just say, k.

nobody will remember:
– your salary
– how “busy you were”
– how many hours you worked

People will remember:
– you were in the corner
– in the spotlight
– losing your religion

Someday archeologists are going to dig up Disney World and think that it was some type of bizarre mouse worshipping kingdom.

me [putting sons toy together] I don’t think *looks at instructions* *looks at box* Yeah, buddy, it’s not supposed to be on fire like that

Answering all the ‘how r u’ DM’s with ‘I got my period’ is going surprising well

Play The Bee Gees loudly several times a day from your home so that if you have to kill someone the sounds won’t be unusual.

Everyone has at least one closet that feels like it was set up by Kevin McCallister in Home Alone.

I just opened the closet to get the vacuum cleaner and a muffin tin fell on my head, two sheet pans landed on my feet and a broom handle tipped out and impaled me in the stomach.

I like my women like I like my amulets: cursed

“dance like no one is watching, walk like someone is behind you trying to get around you.” – ancient nyc proverb

I say I’m medibaked when I get high cause words are fun, but werges like fantabulous are even more bestacular.

Either way, I don’t think we should let Shrodinger near any more cats.

To see someone’s true savage nature, you must observe them eat crab legs at a buffet.

I get about your body being a temple but… right now I wanna turn mine into a bouncy castle, it sounds more like fun. I’m all about fun.

me: are you checking me out

librarian: yes