Look, at the beginning of vacation you wear a cute form-fitting dress. The end of the trip you wear a tarp from Home Depot. Please don’t make me explain.
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today was my first day back after the holidays and my body is like excuse me why aren’t we eating 9 meals a day anymore
Suggested movie theater prices: Adults – $9.00, Under 12 – $ 6.00, Under 3 – $249.00
If we’re together and you lose track of me, just follow the line of croissant crumbs right on back.
And you may be thinking, “But Katie, you weren’t even eating a croissant when I lost you…”
Trust me.
Every kid in my second grader’s class is assigned a “job” each week, most are things like watering the plants or sharpening pencils but one of the jobs is “tech support” because every 7-year-old knows more about technology than the teacher.
Them: ‘Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.’
Twitter: actually, we know a little bit about it.
Yesterday was 2/22/22. Don’t feel bad if you missed it. 3/33/33 is coming up
Lint Bizkit #LaundrySongsAndBands
The word “karaoke” comes from an old Chinese proverb meaning: “go home, you’re drunk.”
(Me playing guitar)
3: Daddy what’s this song called?
Me: Going Nowhere.
3: I know that but what’s this song called?
Burned by a 3yo.
I will disappear on you at a party and show up 3 hours later with bruises, no phone and a goat.
Pro tip- stick AirTags on your kids before you hit up the corn maze this year and you can drink spiked cider in peace.
Coroner’s Report: “Victim noted a subtle mannerism shared by his wife and mother-in-law.”
Women say they want a guy who can make them laugh. I’d probably have done better if they’d specified that they didn’t mean by tickling.
Why stop at clocks? I set my stapler forward an hour too. Told my shoes it’s Tuesday. My car still thinks it’s 1987.
People who wear cycle helmets with a little camera on the top can be quite intimidating, especially if it’s the first time you’re having sex with them
*calls child protective services*
PROTECTIVE SERVICES: Why would you name me this, mom?
Somewhere, a real Nigerian prince is sitting at his computer wondering, “Why oh why does nobody reply to my emails?”
Give your child a name with a creative spelling so they can spend their life correcting people.
“The best eggs are stolen,” I said.
“Poached,” my wife corrected. “Poached.”
[Me as a babysitter]
ME: *rings the parents* We have a problem. I picked up your son David from school and he seems freaked out
HER: My son is Robert
ME: We have 2 problems
Look kids, you can talk to me about anything, any time, it’s important you know you can tell me anything, but, for the love of God, stop snitching on your brother.
A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You won’t feel a thing.”
They were testing a machine that calculates your age based on your reflexes. Turns out I am 140 years old.
me trying to get a bartender’s attention
My life hack? If you buy a Rubik’s cube and never touch it they’ll never know you can’t solve it.
Don’t even talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
*never drinks coffee again*
This is nice.
Creep yelling from window: “HEY SEXY WHERE YO MAN?”
Me yelling back: “HE DEAD”
Him: “WHAT HAPPENED TO HIM?”
Me: “HE YELLED AT ME”
6y/o: I don’t want to be a hunter when I grow up. I don’t want to kill animals anymore.
Me: ANYMORE!? *googling serial killer warning signs*
Shapewear for women, but it’s a system of pulleys and levers so you can morph into different configurations, like “sexy Chrysler Building” or “new condos going up”
Why do people say “meteoric rise”? You know, meteors…those space rocks that famously don’t go up?