Look at this
You Might Also Like
When faced with a challenging situation I calmly ask myself “what would the hulk do?”
Then I rip my clothes and smash stuff up!
Every time I go into the freezer I ritualistically sacrifice at least one piece of ice to the kitchen floor gods.
I have to fast for 48 hours for my upcoming colonoscopy. My husband is not having a colonoscopy, but he will be fasting for 48 hours as well. He just doesn’t know it yet.
Captain America: ok Avengers, we can defeat Ultron if we work as a team. Remember, no man is an island
Island Man: oh come on not this again
[before Toto]
Rain down in Africa: *sneezes*
I love the smell of cut grass and the sound of unknown footsteps in my attic.
My husband accidentally texted mewting instead of meeting. Now I can’t stop picturing a bunch of kittens in a conference room.
*Brings a hammer to a thumb war.*
Password insecurity questions:
1. What was your highschool nickname? 2. How would you describe your breath? 3. What’s wrong with your toes?
I closed all the windows and curtains in the house. I don’t know where all this stupidity is coming from.
Barista: can I get a name?
Me: sure, you can be “ugly coffee maker man”
Barista: no for you
Me: I’ll be “handsome coffee drinker guy”
Flock of geese
Murder of crows
Mistake of beers
I thought stacking Oreos and displaying them in a decorative jar was a great idea, but I’m just eating them instead.
Microwaving fish is an office faux pas. I roast mine over an open flame in the bathroom
So it turns out that fat bearded man whose lap I was sitting on at the mall wasn’t Santa. LOL drugs.
If the British had won, today we’d all be celebrating the Fouurth of July
Just saw a large group of 20 yr olds saying a blessing before eating.
Then I realized they were all just looking at their phones.
[internet meet up, 1999]
Maybe I shouldn’t go. They might murder me.
[internet meet up, 2019]
Definitely going. Hopefully they’ll murder me.
Now that Christmas is over, don’t forget to be thankful for all the children in China who made your kid’s toys.
Playing catch with my 8yo, I missed a high throw and said “could’ve got that in my 30s.” He replied “oh yea when you get old you get shorter.”
An alien makes contact. I take it home, give it a sandwich. Then ice cream. And then, to show we’re an advanced race, an ice cream sandwich.
My cat just winked at me and now it’s awkward because I only see her as a friend.
The scariest moment in the world is when a 3yo looks at you and says CLOSE YOUR EYES AND OPEN YOUR MOUTH
30% of parenting is making yourself the bad guy so your kids will unite against you and get along for a little while.
The deadliest weapon is the mind. Unless you got a sword or something. Or a gun. If you have a gun, that’s definitely the best choice.
Girl, if you’re into rocks, I promise you’ll be
Waitress: Is everything ok?
Me: WHAT HAVE YOU HEARD?
If dolphins are so smart how come I managed to trick one into investing all its savings in my phoney pyramid scheme?
Me: Take my pic *hands him camera & giggles*
Him: What’s funny?
Me: Nothing.
Him: *presses button, explodes, dies*
Me: Ha! Photo bombed!
I just walked into my bedroom and the window was open, so the door accidentally slammed shut behind me. That should keep my family sufficiently terrified for the next few hours.