Look at this
You Might Also Like
Me: Your dating profile said you’re looking for a girl who knows how to have fun.
Him: Yes! *winks*
Me: [starts taking kittens out of purse]
[Eating wings]
Pilot: This is a bad idea
ME: I’m always afraid the optometrist is actually showing me 2 identical lenses and then afterwards the whole office makes fun of me for thinking one was better or worse.
THERAPIST: Yeah I don’t know what to do with that.
She says, the kids want to go to the circus.
I say, that I just saved us $400 by jumping out of the kid’s closet wearing a clown costume.
I don’t even like sleep, it’s just the only way I can eat spiders
[first day as a fireman]
So you’re telling me my arms will not be shooting fire?
You’re telling me I’m paying nyc rent prices just to be on the same tectonic plate as Philly and Boston? I’m feeling sick
That looks expensive and breakable, I should play with it.
– Every kid ever.
[Genie] Last wish idiot, impress me.
[Me] I want Morgan Freeman to narrate my eulogy [drops dead]
[Morgan Freeman] He was an idiot.
They’re not gym clothes if you don’t go to the gym, they’re pajamas.
I’m developing an app that makes a cricket sound effect at the end of my coworkers’ stories.
My 7yo son is running away because I made him write a few sentences. I guess I shouldn’t expect any letters from the road.
Me to alien:
I, too, try to live among people undetected
Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.
Got thrown out of a funeral today for saying Bazinga during the eulogy. That’s OK; I can only pretend to be dead for so long.
I hope I never meet “the woman of my dreams” because that woman is neon green and nine feet tall and chases me with a weed whacker
Murder hornets don’t sting as bad as accidentally opening the front camera.
Don’t you just love arts and crafts?
I’m at the airport and apparently, someone has designed and built a plane that’s invisible.. .
Well… I can’t see that taking off…
LMFAOOOO
me: [tries to write “perfect”]
my phone’s swipe function: clearly you meant “prefect” since you often discuss student hierarchies in british boarding schools
If there’s a zombie apocalypse, I’m becoming a zombie.
Walking around doing nothing & eating non-stop seems like a pretty sweet deal to me.
Friends: Let’s roll a fatty
Me: I have a name guys and pls don’t
Simon: I wrote a song
Garfunkel: *reads lyrics*
Garfunkel: “I am a rock. I am an island” dude I’m like right here. I thought we were friends
Plays “In Your Eyes” on the kazoo outside your window, dressed like a potato.
AIR STEWARDESS [looks at ticket] just down that way
ME: You mean down the long thin tube with one walkway
A.S: Yes
ME: I’d be lost without u
*leans over uncomfortably close to you at a funeral*
“I get so drunk at these things. Who’s in the box?”
i just gave a homeless guy $20 but do u see me looking for praise (the answer is: yes)
Me *on phone to IT* it just says insecure and no special character
Him: ok so your password needs to be
Me: No no I’m doing an online personality test
Grant me the serenity to supernaturally change the things I cannot accept.