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Me: Do you ever get a sharp stabbing pain in your head and groin?
Annoying coworker: No.Me, angrily throwing away the voodoo doll
To the twenty something year old girls who think forty something year old women are jealous of them- enjoy your next 240 periods!
If your girlfriend says “my pyramid is late…”
Know two things:
1. Your hearing is poor
2. That’s not your biggest problem right now
My wife said she for Lent she was giving up eating meat. I thought she did that after the wedding vows.
Teleportation seems like an awesome idea until Creepy Stan from down the street is suddenly washing your back in the shower.
still thinking about the time my bf told me I was “boring and unoriginal,” and the only thing I could respond with was “no, YOU’RE boring and unoriginal”
twitter users today:
Find someone who looks at you like Roger looks at a barbecue.
I’ve got a bag full of stick figure stickers, and when I see an SUV I add random dudes to their families.
New librarian said “I haven’t worked much with youth. How do you tell tweens from teens?”
“You know they’re tweens if they gather loudly around the computers and horse around in the restrooms.”
“And the teens?”
“You can tell they’re teens if they’re not here in the library.”
I’ll wear a neckerchief but I’m not calling it that.
I don’t like coconut so I don’t eat coconut. I don’t follow coconut around criticizing its texture or taste or tweets or sense of humor.
5:21am: I hope someone gets mad at me today.
5:22am: Oh good.
Parenting is watching a foreign object fly into your coffee, sink out of sight, and drinking it all anyways.
Dentist: No cavities, but looks like you’ve done some excessive grinding at night-
Me: *blushes* Well, my boyfriend is quite sex-
Dentist: Uh, of your teeth.
*turns on the passenger seat warmer, for the pizza
toilet is the exact right word for that thing bro all i do on there is toil
Whenever I skip a day on the treadmill, I add the 25 minutes to the next day. Tomorrow, I will be running until 2026.
emcee: welcome, contestants, to the world bodybuilding championships!
victor frankenstein: *looking around* i think i’ve made a horrible mistake.
Genie: you have 17 wishes
Me: isn’t it normally 3??
Genie: yeah but *vaguely gestures to me* lot of issues here.
I hate when people ask me HOW I am doing as if I KNOW THE ANSWER?!
TEACHER: do you know what estimate means
STUDENT: not exactly
TEACHER: yes you are right
STUDENT: about what
TEACHER: also correct
STUDENT: …i guess
TEACHER: wow you really know your stuff
[Listening to Hungry Like the Wolf]
10yo: When did this come out?
Me: Hmm…’82?
10: 19 or 18?
Me:…
everyone telling you that you’re beautiful on the Internet is an escaped convict.
@funTweeters OH MY GOODNESS!! THANKYOU SO MUCH!! I JUST STALKED YOUR SITE!! LOVE IT. AM HONORED!! <3
I got pulled over ONE TIME when my daughter was with me and now whenever she sees a police car she says her own special little prayer of “please god let my mom drive normal”
Sometimes I lie and tell my husband I spent $300 at Costco so he’ll stop talking to me.
It isn’t alcoholism if you’re a method actor training for a role as an alcoholic in a movie that doesn’t exist.
BRB YOU GUYS, I GOTTA DO THIS FACEBOOK QUIZ TO FIND OUT WHAT BREED OF CAT I AM