Look at this fly rubbing his hands together, what is he up to?
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[sees woman reading]
“Gone With The Wind? Great book! I love how the *clenches fist* tornado takes Dorothy & Toto to the Land Of Oz.”
9: My room is clean.
Me: You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.
Got kicked out of the flat earth bar for offering to buy everyone a round.
Me [gasping]: Man, this stationary bike is harder than it looks.
Trainer: Now that you’re finally on it you should probably start pedaling.
Damn, girl. Are you King Arthur and the Knights of the Round Table?
Cause I just Camelot.
let me get this straight… your last 2 wives “accidentally” got their heads chopped off
SCHRÖDINGER: So son, theoretically your cat is neither dead or al–
WIFE: Tell him.
SCHRÖDINGER: Your cat’s dead.
A sports bra implies the existence of an academic bra.
“Hey dude, my eyes are up here, and over here, and over here too.”
-a potato
“Yay Springtime” I say to the wasps busily building their nest on my patio.
Sorry for nicking your car w/my door, but you didn’t leave much room. It’s small, but I circled it with my key so you could find it.
[phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u?
ME: Well…u know that shop where u saw that ring you love
W: OMG YES
M: I’m catching Pokemon near there
So Beyonce had a strict diet prepping for Coachella..no dairy, no carbs, no alcohol, no meat, no fish, and no sugar. I know some women with that same diet prepping for a wedding. You are marrying a guy name Dan who eats chicken pot pie at diners, ya’ll can have some bread.
Every 2020 wine has to be bad. You can’t open a cabernet in 2026 like “oh, 2020. That was a good year.”
I’m part of a mom group chat which means I can read 3,000 messages to learn my kid has a science project due tomorrow.
It’s hard to explain to people who love Facebook that I am not on Facebook because of the people who love Facebook.
Me: I can’t believe we have $900 for Christmas gifts this year!
Fridge: I don’t feel well. I think I have a fever.
Are rhetorical questions really necessary?
I present to you: Stupid things White people have said to me, but with a “live, laugh, love” font, because I’m petty, a thread…
Hi… So do you like really chunky lower legs and stuff? I kick strong!
~ Me, clearly not impressing the girls when I was in High School.
dracula: [busts into my room] ima suck that blood!
me: oh yeah? [does 10 quick shots of delicious Stoli Vodka] how bout now?
dracula: aw what the fudge dude i gotta drive home
me: [vomits on my duvet] checker mate bro lol
I’m sorry I said your head looks too small to power your body.
How to apply mascara:
Pull wand from tube
Open your eyes like a haunted doll coming to life
I thought the brakes on my car were squealing but it was just a Mariah Carey song on the radio.
Good morning to everyone except the parent in my 6yo’s class who paid out ten dollars as the tooth fairy.
When did the tooth fairy stop leaving four shiny quarters per tooth? In the same glass the tooth was in? I’m not busting into my kid’s college fund to hire an event coordinator and pay an imaginary glitter witch to be invisible for five minutes.
i think muppets being in horror movies would be better than the original: a thread
That thing where I write “I” when it should be “me” because I’m not sure but I think “I” is always the smarter sounding option but it’s just flat out wrong in this situation and now I’ve exposed my stupidity to smarter people than I.