Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My obituary will say “He always found himself being lured into uncomfortable social situations by the promise of food”.

Anyone who says “Let’s all put our phones down and talk with each other,” is just running out of battery and needs a charge.

The bad news is, I accidentally took the wrong medications this morning

The good news: Guess who is now protected from fleas and heartworms for the next 3 months?

Netflix needs a notification that says ‘Do you want to watch something or not?’ for when couples are taking too long to decide

“I have toddler-like reflexes.”

“Don’t you mean cat-like–?”

*laughs, cries, falls on face, eats Cheerio off the floor*

“No.”

I’d throw you a flower, infact, I’d throw you an entire plant.

Lawyer: do you watch people use the bathroom?
Defendant: no
Lawyer: spell “ICUP”
Defendant: I-C-U-P
Judge: *softly* omg
Jury: *whispering*

I’m not saying that asking your kids to clean will always make things worse, but I asked my 4yo to clean his muddy shoes and found him standing naked in a full bathtub polishing them with his toothbrush

Everyone knows the correct use of a comma when it comes to your bank account statements.

Be thankful for Twitter. The way gas prices are headed, we’re never going to meet real people ever again.

Piss me off in the grocery store and I’ll get in front of you in the checkout line and pay for a single tomato with a personal check.

I miss the days when people thought I was gross for liking cottage cheese. Now you guys are blending it up and eating it with raw Brussels sprouts and mustard? You need to cool it. Right now.

One time I saw this guy on his knees in a bar begging his girlfriend for forgiveness. No idea what he’d done. Anyway, I shouted “OMG, HE’S PROPOSING” and everything went quiet as we all awaited her response. Really awkward

Normalize asking the spelling bee moderator to use it as a safe word. Wait huh

my parents support me pursuing comedy but they also think the big bang theory is peak comedy so i might be doomed

How about daylight saves us for once

Fun Things

It’s not illegal to tell a ghost story when a cop shines a flashlight in your face

I find that the secret to not being insecure is to just be better than everybody at everything while being incredibly good looking.

What happens in the elevator stays in the elevator.

[1st date]

HER: I love the idea of marriage. What are your thoughts on it?

ME: [trying to impress her] I have 6 wives

I get it, Kevin McCallister. I, too, sometimes wish my family would disappear and leave me home alone with my own cheese pizza.

My husband refused to get glasses. But that was before he brushed his teeth with Preparation H.

It’s incredibly hard to keep engaged in a conversation while you know a plate of biscuits is about to be offered to you. You can sense the biscuits making their way up the table. You can hear other people pretending to be surprised by the biscuits by saying “ooh, biscuits!”. And here you are, pretending to speak to someone, feeling like an extra in a film. You can’t look at the biscuits, that’s not part of the game. Just have to fix your eyes on the person you’re speaking to, just have to hold your nerve steady until… “ooh, biscuits!”

If you’d like to be left alone just carry a doll everywhere you go.

Fighting fire with fire but in the marital bed we’re just fighting wind with wind

5: Mommy, we can eat something if we not allergic?
Me: yep
5:right now?
Me:sure
5:BROTHER! Mom said we can have ice cream!
Me: sonofa…

This day in history. 1999. Eminem’s mother sued him for 10 million dollars acting on behalf of the family swear jar.

When someone says they were shook, I presume they meant as a baby.

don’t we all