Look at you, putting your bag of popcorn into a bowl like the Queen of England.
You Might Also Like
I can tell you from experience that the “fake it till you make it” saying is true for most things in life, just not flying a helicopter.
If you want to stop being invited to the children’s birthday parties, buy all the littles an air horn for Christmas.
It’s Easter, I plan to count how many eggs each kid finds.
When they ask where stuff is I’ll remind them how good they are at finding things.
My 4yo daughter happily announced that it was “murder season” today, and it took a solid 10 minutes to realize she meant crape myrtle, not murder.
I dunno why but this feels like a trap
[wife walks in on me showering]
“Why are you wearing swim trunks?”
No reason.
[she glares at me]
SO MY TEMPORARY TATTOOS DON’T COME OFF OKAY
I got IDd last night, but as I was rummaging around in my purse for my ID, the dude saw my checkbook and said “nevermind” 😭😒🤣 FIRST OF ALL
If I had a yoshi I would ride him to work every day.
“Sup bob, see you got a new Kia, guess what I got, a fricken yoshi dude”
Why isn’t there an egg flavored Gatorade you cowards?
Being friends with introverts is hard sometimes. Did they die? Are they just recharging? Are they batman now? The suspense is killing me.
Whenever I want to feel like I’m at a house party again I play two podcasts at the same time and then sit on the floor in my kitchen and pet the cat
Connor Sadzeck Connor Happyzeck
I just want to know enough sign language to convince people to stop talking to me
My insomnia has it’s own toothbrush in my bathroom.
Just saw a tiktok of a family introducing their newborn to their cat and after it smelled the baby it went to another room and threw up LMFAO
This is one of the many reasons that I am chubby
My wife just got back from the grocery and apparently shopping for the virus includes two bags full of ice cream
My washing machine at noon: “I will gently wash these clothes.”
My washing machine at midnight: “I WILL WASH THE HELL OUT OF THESE CLOTHES!!”
Me: I wouldn’t miss it for the world.
Friend: It was yesterday.
Once I saved 10 kittens from a burning building and yes all the people died but look how cute they are
i like to try new things in the bedroom like getting a full 8 hours of sleep.
If I leave out a comma it’s because I don’t want you to breathe.
i love contactless delivery they just throw the slop at your door and i run out like a little pig
Triceratops seeks Tricerabottom
-Jurassic period Grindr
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
I am delighted to announce that endless online arguing is saving humanity
the funniest possible response to someone saying they were a gifted kid is to be like “really?”
Being trapped at Burning Man seems almost as bad as being trapped in a conversation with someone who went to Burning Man
imagine if we could only post our deleted selfies in our dating app profiles. lol omg we’d all die alone.