Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Bathroom stall doors should have peepholes so you don’t have to awkwardly knock if someone is in there

GIRLFRIEND: How am I gonna tell my dad I’m pregnant?

ME: Leave that to me.

[later, at dinner]

HER DAD: *grabs chest* I’m having a heart attack.

ME: Oh no! Grandpa’s 😉 having a heart attack 😉

Me: That guy is a bad apple.

6-year-old: He’s a person.

Me: I just meant he’s mean.

6: Probably because you called him an apple.

Friend: I got a job as a carpenter, but it sucks.

Me: No prob, just learn a few magic tricks and people will worship you as their savior.

Sometimes I need a break from myself but it’s like ugh everywhere I go there I am.

I forget how hitchhiking works- do I murder them or do they murder me? I don’t want it to be awkward.

As a joke I suggested to my 10yo that he was getting diapers for Christmas so he wouldn’t have to stop gaming even for a moment, and Reader, he hesitated.

no my tattoos do not have any meaning i am simply a child putting permanent stickers all over myself<3 stop asking pls

I’d pay someone to push me out of pictures when I’m drunk.

Just found out that umbrellas open up. I always wondered why my rain stick never kept me dry. We never stop learning do we.

I’m sorry baby, but me & you are not going to work out.

We are going to watch tv.

me: i’m just gonna switch the big light on for 1 minu-

british gas:

Vet: your dog has a virus, causing the weakness and lethargy

Me: oh no!

Vet: if you give him this medicine, he’ll get back to his usual energy levels

Me: OH NO!

I want to have the kind of hope my dog has when the kids walk around eating chips.

My Nissan uncomfortably seats 7 if any group of people wants to take an intimate road trip

*Turning off led flashlight.

Led flashlight: hahahahaha

Someone said “30 years ago”, and my mind went to the 1970s, but they meant 1994, and now I need to lie down.

on a walk around my neighborhood today i saw two houses across from each other with a “my neighbor is a karen” flag in their yard and i’m really interested if they hate each other or there’s a third neighbor who’s just a realllll b***h

*deals poker hand*

peacock that’s just looked at his cards:[giant feathers start spreading triumphantly]

everyone, at exactly the same time: fold

Son #1: Who’s your favorite kid?

Me: It doesn’t matter.

Son #2: Yeah, but who’s your favorite?

Me: Your Mom is my favorite, and I’d bury you both alive on her say-so. Remember that.

Our Ideal candidate:
-Minimum 3,000 years exp.
-Must have 8 PhD’s
-Speak Klingon
80 hrs a week
$7.15 an hour
Must be passionate about work!

Find a way to dress up as “accidentally liking someone’s Facebook picture from 2 years ago” and really scare people this Halloween.

Today my 3yo said that we should celebrate because today is my last birthday… WAIT YOU LITTLE NOSTRADAMUS SHIT WHAT DO YOU KNOW?

Me: It’s unrealistic that the Angels blindly trusted Charlie’s voice coming through a speaker, amirite?

Siri: I’m not sure I understand

Having hot lemon water every morning is definitely working. I’ve never felt more arrogant.

On Tuesday, my husband and I celebrate 19 years of marriage, and I need gift ideas. What do I buy for a man who already has an incredible wife?

Lois Lane: “Clark, have you given any thought to contact lenses?”

Clark Kent: *starts sweating nervously*

My friend told me her kids don’t get dessert every night which really confused me. Like, what does she use to bribe them to eat their dinner?!

HER: Do you have any funny dating stories?

ME: [thinking about the time I wrote 2007 when it was actually 2008] Just one

Genie: I grant you three wishes.

Bob: I want to be rich.

Genie: Granted.

Rich: I want a lot of money.