look bro it’s not gay, i just wanna sleep nestled into your arm because it allows me to angle my head at the perfect 37 degree angle that relieves my nasal congestion
is getting good sleep gay now
is it homosexual to be alert in normal daylight hours
I don’t know much about physics, but I do know that cookout smoke will blow in whatever direction people are sitting.
Want to make a nerd’s head explode? Go to any site that posted the new Star Wars trailer & write “Where’s Captain Kirk?” in the comments.
Not gonna elaborate, but I just found out the hard way that the phrase isn’t “self defecating humour”
ME: I’ve eaten a lot of spicy food
GF: If u eat too much of it, u lose your sense of taste
ME [watching Adam Sandler] haha he is so funny
I think “How the Grinch Stole Christmas!” has given my youngest unrealistic expectations. Today, we talked about putting away the tree, and he said, “No, WE don’t have to. The Grinch is supposed to come to our house and take it away.”
I’ll grant you this, missing our scheduled call because you “had to chase and catch your pet pig” is the best reason I’ve ever heard.
So sick of all these stupid rules
If you’re feeling too good about yourself, go ask a 5 yr old to guess your age. That should even things out.
Girl, are you any art project I made as a child? Because you don’t look great and my mom is having difficulty pretending to like you.
make your kid’s birthday party a special one they’ll be talking about in therapy for years
Preacher: CAN I GET AN AMEN?!?
Me: [from back row] MAY you get an amen
[dinner at my parents’]
my gf: thank you for having me
me: they’re not your parents weirdo
Never go to sleep after making me angry
An elderly poodle just passed me on this run so my post-apocalypse survival rate is very low.
ew if literal: let me be clear
anime mfs be like “i promise it gets better just wait till episode 561 bro”
Had a dream that someone was gently rubbing my forehead with sandpaper. Woke up to find my cat gently rubbing my forehead with sandpaper.
A spider crawling along the wall suddenly fell off and kept crawling on the floor like it wasn’t a big deal, so I said out loud, “I saw that.”
I just had a guy explain maps to me. He handed me a map and said, “This is a map. You use it to locate things.”
I didn’t know what to say so I replied, “These are my shoes. I am going to use them to walk away now.”
That awkward moment when I give a guy a fake phone number and he tries to call it in front of me.. #OhShiiiit
POTATO MAGICIAN: is this your carb
I may not be the brightest crayon in the tool shed but at least I’m great at analogies.
Muppet Screams
“Let’s play 21 questions”
Nigerian Girl: how tall are you?
Nigerian Guy: Rice. What’s the worst thing you’ve done with a guy?
People who walk while looking at their phones and expect me to get out of the way… LOL.
He’s cranky this morning
You know when someone’s all “ugh this smells terrible” and they want you to smell it too? That’s what sharing political news is like lately.
@Holy_Mowgli @funTweeters Glass repairman: I’m shattered
I hate it when my 4th grader doesn’t get an 100% on her school project.
I mean, I really worked on it.
Do you think when Spider-Man gets stoned with Batman and the Hulk he sometimes thinks the spider on his chest is real and freaks out?
