look detective, we’re ALL looking for a hot 5’ 10” guy with athletic build and strong follow through instincts
You Might Also Like
Day 3 in quarantine. My mom made me check my 11 year old brother’s search history. He has searched “how tall is goofy” and “why do Mormons have so many trampolines.” For his sake, I almost wish I found something bad
There are two rules in life:
1) Never give out all the information.
“Yes, I need to check in.”
“Sir, this is a burn unit.”
“Yeah, I got hit hard with a series of jokes about my mom, and I had no comeback.”
When your spouse comes to you excited about a toilet seat, it’s best to remind yourself this person will most likely decide when to pull your life support plug someday so you get excited with them about that toilet seat.
The worst thing about being struck by lightning is knowing you deserved it
Star Wars (1977, PG) a group of terrorists enlist the aid of a drug smuggler and a religious fanatic to bomb the seat of governmental power.
Interviewer: So you say you think you’d make a good addition here at our aquarium. Can you expand on that?
Puffer fish: Yes. Yes I can
“Ok, I know this is creepy af but check this out..”
-first taxidermist
So basically what I’m saying is that Face Off is misleading and the movie should be called Ha Ha Got Your Face FBI Man
she’s a 10 but Excel thinks she’s October
I just ‘borrowed’ $20 from my teenage daughter.
She’s such an idiot.
Dinosaurs never could’ve survived til the present day. Could you imagine a stegosaurus in a Honda Civic? It’d be totally ridiculous in 2017.
[revenge plan]
*invent miniaturisation machine.
*shrink to tiny size.
*crawl all over sleeping spider’s face.
Never throw sunglasses in an argument. If they land perfectly on your opponent’s face there is no known comeback.
genetics is so weird, like i got my mom’s eyes and my dad’s talent for tax fraud
I don’t know how many capes and tutus are the maximum one person should own; I just know my daughter doesn’t want to discuss it.
[job interview]
-Describe yourself to me in one word.
-poor
I think college costs are so high because at that point parents are willing to pay anything to get their kids out of the house.
the problem with being nice to people is you end up getting invited to their wedding.
What do you call a potato/corn crime fighting duo?
Starchy and Husk
How do you milk an almond?
the ghost that shares the upstairs bathroom with us would like a word
I wonder what the rest of this day has in store because I just spent 30 seconds looking for my car keys while sitting in my car with the engine running.
band: THANKS FOR COMING OUT ANY LAST REQUESTS
crowd: [shouting songs]
me: HAVE U SEEN MY KEYS
MY DOG’S VET: who’s a good boy? who’s the handsomest boy? does you wanna cookie? does the handsome good boy want a cookie? does the handsomest best boy ever want a cookie?
MY DOCTOR: you look fatter and paler than I remember, sit down
You have CrossFit, I bathe 3 children in one evening.
ME: *hands a hundred dollar bill to a dog groomer and points at my head* just try your best
{In class}
ME: Uggh! When will I ever even need to know this?!PRENATAL INSTRUCTOR: Again, when your wife has the baby.
When I’d go to church as a kid I’d always wonder why there were so many seats reserved for Usher
[during sex]
Him: punish me, baby
me: *tells him everything I had to eat that day*
Him: wait, stop
me: hang on *hands him the phone* my mom wants to talk to you
Him: *dies*