Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[cop writing me a ticket]

me: cmon can you just give me a warning?

cop: sure *leans in* warning, you’re about to get a ticket

I hate it when I’m outside & an insect lands & crawls on my glasses & for a split second I think aliens have invaded.

Just seconds before we make the jump to light speed the captain nears my console to check my calculations. I minimise solitaire just in time

“Why did u jump off that bridge?”

My friend did it too

“Well if your friend jumped off a bridge would u?”

Yes. I literally just said that

[pregnant with first child]

Wife: our daughter is only going to eat organic, non-gmo, non-processed foods and drink volcanic rock filtered water from the island of Atlantis.

[two years later]

Me: our daughter just licked Cheeto crumbs off the floor.

Wife: she’s fine.

[Struts in lookin fly as heck in my speedo, shower cap and armfull of baby dolls

struts out with new understanding of the term baby shower]

“I’m in the middle of an Adam Sandler movie” isn’t a good excuse to get out of anything.
I know this now.

If you’ve ever wanted to reconnect with people you haven’t seen in ages, take a quick trip to the grocery store looking like complete shit.

Me: Sorry, I can’t tonight. I already made plans.
Him: That’s too bad. There’s going to be open bar and–
Me: What time should I be there?

Very irritated daughter stomping all over the porch…

Me: What’s the problem?

Her: Dad asked me to bring him a Phillips screwdriver AND ALL WE HAVE ARE STANLEYS!!!!

One thing I like about hiking is taking an uber to the woods and saying thanks and getting out of the car and disappearing into the trees as if I have an appointment somewhere deep in the forest

If you are attracted to both men and women with muscular arms, you’re bicepsual.

Me: Guys, enough with the trash talk. Who called this meeting?

7 raccoons on Zoom:

Me [double-clicking a word to select it]

Microsoft Word: are you trying to select this entire sentence?

Me: no, just the one word

Microsoft Word: ok are you trying to select the entire paragraph?

Me: no, just that word…

Microsoft Word: ok I’ll just delete this entire page

My 8 year old told me a boy proposed at school and she accepted and honestly this will be her second marriage so I told her she’s going to get a reputation.

I believe it was Gandhi who said “never create passwords for apps when you’re shitfaced”

Never go to bed angry. Stay up and finish the argument like an adult

🤣

People be like I forgot to eat today meanwhile I’ve eaten 4 times since I started this tweet.

Why not call baby pigs “hamlets” ?

This staff meeting could have been a haiku.

Does the 5 second rule apply when you accidentally say “I love you” during sex?

*Goes to the gym. Takes a selfie in front of the weights. Leaves.

Doglike cats are some of the sweetest, most adorable creatures on the planet. Catlike dogs emerged directly from a portal to hell

[ Mt. Everest camp ]

First climber: hey where’s your buddy?

Second climber: idk he must have gotten up on the wrong side of bed.

You see when you ask for nudes specificity is key. I have a whole camera roll of sphinx cats and I’m not afraid to use it.

You know you’re from New Jersey when going through security & they only wand your hair!

Possible Tic-Tac-Toe results:
a.) it’s a tie
b.) you’re an idiot

the earth is not round nor flat. the earth is chicken tenders