Look, don’t call it a salad “bar” if you’re going to tell me I can’t do ranch dressing shots.
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Pray Elon Musk doesn’t have a scandal.
Elongate would drag on forever.
Piers Morgan. RT @DavidPressman: Anyone else nude and crying?
Please stop calling it carpal tunnel syndrome. It sounds pathetic and weak . What I have is gamer stigmata
Raised by wolves. Sent to college by wolves. Moves back home with wolves. Learns to ignore wolf-mom’s worried glances.
Me: Who had two thumbs and just had a bandsaw accident? This guy
Doctor: Which Guy?
All my scars & bruises tell a story.
The story of a guy who falls down A LOT when he’s drunk.
When you need to go shopping but have to Kill Bill first.
I’m not saying she’s a tease, I’m just saying she’s like a weather forecast for a beautiful weekend on a Wednesday…
I thought my wife was super pissed at me, but it turns out she was only “disappointed” in me. Thank God, I definitely dodged a bullet there
I’m going to start an emo group called System of a Frown.
Your honor, my client wasn’t trying to stab the victim. He was checking to see if he was cake
“I like your tree’s earring.”
“That’s a tire swing.”
Before you fall in love with me, you should probably know that I will read the entire menu twice of a restaurant I’ve been to a hundred times only to order the same thing I always do…
My kids are trying to decide what sign they want to put on their new bedroom door, and so far they’ve narrowed it down to:
boys only
boys rule
no girls except at bedtime
sometimes girls
WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?
ME: Prince William should rent out some rooms in Kensington Palace to tourists. Call it Heirbnb.
HER: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’
you question the benefit of a $1000 stimulus payment and I challenge you to name a problem 1k donuts can’t solve
My neighbors have been calling for their cat for 15 minutes. I’ve been meowing out the window for 30.
employment counsellor: for your interview be sure to bring a copy of your CV, be on time and wear your best dress
me: [shows up in prom gown but on time]
[Picasso’s Blue Period]
Picasso: holy shit, call a gynecologist
I’m in that magical stage of parenting where I don’t need to change diapers or carry baby gear but I also don’t have to deal with teenage problems yet and my kids still think I’m smart and funny…how do I stay here???
I’m too Shreksy for my shirt
13yo Jesus: You’re not my real dad! I HATE YOU!
Joseph: One of these days boy, I’ll— [distant thunder] I’ll do nothing. Absolutely nothing.
I have more pictures of food on my phone than I do of my children.
I’m sorry I got you birth control for Christmas and said it was my gift to the world.
Someone once told me that I might have ADD, so I decided to look into it. After 5 minutes of research I found out that all the pandas in the world are on loan from China.
A man accidentally made eye contact with me on the train, so I left my shoe behind.
And now, we wait…
I made fun of a guy for still having a Nokia phone. He threw it at me and knocked me unconscious.
Decoding phrases used by employers when describing what they want:
“Believes in the company’s mission” = “willing to take less money.”
“Has great work ethic” = “willing to work longer hours.”
“Has a passion for this work” = “willing to take less money while working longer hours.”
I walked into our bedroom and stepped on my wife’s bra
It was a boobie trap