Look, don’t call it a salad “bar” if you’re going to tell me I can’t do ranch dressing shots.
You Might Also Like
Ever notice that women say “scare you to death” while men say “scare the pants off you”?
Well played men, well played…
What is a magic bullet?
A. A theory about the assassination of Kennedy.
B. A fancy blender
C. A fancy blender that assassinated Kennedy
“Іs that a ripped up shirt in your hair?”
Іt’s called a SCRUNCHIE dad. 🙄
My fear of cockroaches started when I hit one with a rolled up magazine and it held up a tiny ‘LOL’ sign and ran under the fridge.
guys are so hard to buy for
like what do they like besides other girl’s pictures??
today my sister said “I thought of you because I saw the stupidest tweet. just the dumbest freaking tweet” this went on for ten minutes
About to go out and make some foreign dude’s night by butchering the pronunciation of the food I’ll be ordering.
If you made her sweat, sweat till she can’t sweat no more, perhaps you should have taken a water break. Dehydration is dangerous.
Break up by making swimming motion arms every time they want to hold hands.
how does a Matrix movie work in 2021? I’m supposed to be scared of living in a fake reality, trapped forever in 1999? Shit frost my tips and log me in
I don’t care if you’re here to murder me – we take our shoes off in this house.
Me: Do you want some more toast?
3yo: Yes
Me: Pardon?
3yo: Yes
Me: Yes, what?
3yo: ……
Me: What’s the magic word?
3yo: Abracadabra
i slap your apartment floor and ask you what year it was made. you don’t understand so i do exactly the same thing again
Pancakes are just waffles that
decided to go off the grid.
I may have bags under my eyes, but they’re Versace.
If you drink a lot of water, you won’t have time for other people’s drama because you’ll be too busy looking for a bathroom.
I’m not a doctor, but I play one on eHarmony.
Imagine the havoc if raccoons could fly. Rotund shadows grow larger over a pizza guy moments before he’s swarmed by snarling, handsy demons.
just gave your address to some spiders
If I ever get murdered, I want two white women with a podcast to solve it in their free time
My son found me crying in the kitchen, wrapped his arms around me and whispered, “Is it because of your hair?” Now I’m crying for two reasons.
In the Target toy aisles-
“No, please put that back”
“I said we aren’t buying anything today”
“You already have dozens of Nerf guns at home!”
– and that’s just me to my husband
The wife surprised me on my birthday by coming to see me at work, so I surprised her too by having Brenda from Accounts sitting on my lap when she arrived.
dream blunt rotation
Me: my wife says I catastrophize everything
Therapist: *chuckling* how is she doing?
Me: I don’t know she hasn’t returned my texts for over five minutes I think she’s dead
Those guys who came by the office to ask for protection money kept breaking things. Like I’m going to pay people that clumsy to protect me!
Grandma found out I’m single so I have roughly an hour to find a gf or Ill be getting the ‘have you thought about being a priest’ talk again
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: What’s your net worth?
FISHERMAN: Which one?
I always carry a jar gripper with me in case I’m ever stranded on a deserted island with a jar of salsa. I also always carry a jar of salsa.
It takes only one person in this world to make you smile. It’s called a plastic surgeon.