Look, don’t call it a salad “bar” if you’re going to tell me I can’t do ranch dressing shots.
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Pretty sure I could never successfully get away with a crime. I shed as bad as the cats! 😹
[Speed dating]
Me: “Toilet paper, over or under?”
Her: “Und..”
Me: *flips table* NEXT!!!!!
Wanna know my secret to rock hard abs? I ride the mechanical duck outside the grocery store 300 times a day.
This was a bad idea all around
Since wine is made from grapes its technically accurate to say I did a fruit juice cleanse for New Years Eve.
9 out of 10 men prefer a girl with a big rack. The 10th prefers the other 9 men.
Intel’s responses are magic:
– There’s a design flaw in Intel CPUs.
– Intel: no, they work as designed.– It allows stealing of passwords.
– Intel: no, it doesn’t corrupt data.– There are three bugs.
– Intel: we’ve fixed both.
Do I speak Spanish?
Oui!
My toddler is throwing a tantrum because I changed the pictures in my bathroom…a year ago
I’m not actively avoiding you. I don’t actively do anything.
Me: I don’t think I belong
Therapist: Do you think you be short?
Me: so you know how people just throw away dog poop?
Her: I already hate where this is going
Me: I’m gonna collect it and sell it as fertilizer. I’m gonna be an—
Her: *softly* no
Me: entre-manure
Her: I’m staying with my sister
I always hear people bragging about weightlifting. In my opinion, if I have to grunt to pick something up, it can just stay where it is.
[opens jar of olives and pours them in my garden]
“Now grow to be a restaurant”
I wonder if husband spiders get annoyed when their spider wives use all the hot water in the shower shaving their 8 legs.
Top 5 things to ditch in 2017
5. Debt
4. People you don’t like
3. Facebook
2. Drama
1. The bodies
I still remember taking down that bullying 12 year old on the playground like it was yesterday. My Dad was so proud. Ah, to be 30 again!
can’t believe alcohol is the legal one. when I get too drunk I want to make the worst mistakes of my life. when I get too high I want to mix all the dipping sauces and be a better friend
Sorry but I’m not taking lessons in communication from a baby
Thought I would never find true love until a beautiful woman stole my heart.
And my kidneys, and my corneas, and my lungs.
Oh I can’t, my doctor said I should cut back on people.
My doctor said avocados help with depression but so far it’s just sitting there on my counter doing nothing.
Donald Trump’s campaign is basically that thing where you say the wrong answer in Pictionary then just keep saying it louder and louder
My sense of humor can best be described as “Are you okay? Did someone hit you in the head?”
[Checking into hotel]
WIFE: Please tell me you didn’t use your stupid alter ego name when book-
ME: Reservation for Troy Awesomesauce please
You can’t fix everything, you’re not a giant asteroid.
My 5yo, asserting his independence on the last day of school by coming downstairs dressed in fleece pants on a 90 degree day. I’m sweating just looking at him.
Genesis is my favorite rock group who’ve been around long enough to write a chapter in the bible.
I’m too rational for astrology. Why would I ask a goat in the sky to tell my fortune when I can consult the entrails of an actual goat right here on Earth?