Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

over-40 lifehack: if you go every 6 months instead of annually, they only give you a semicolonoscopy

you should always wash your sheets once a week in case they are really ghosts and need a shower

Someone tweets “pizza,” I want pizza.
Someone tweets “donut,” I want a donut.
Someone tweets “kale,” I want pizza and a donut.

Coworker: How did your review go?

Me: I don’t know…I thought playing “Epic” by Faith No More was a strong symbolic start…

Coworker:

Me: Apparently putting a live, flailing fish on her desk was lost on her too.

I got all my coworkers condoms and bibles for Valentines Day because I’m praying they get laid

According to hotel AC, the difference between 72 degrees and 73 degrees is 40 degrees.

Me: I’m going to turn the fan with this screwdriver after you push that button, okay?

Friend: *reaching for button, pausing* Um, this won’t electrocute us both, right?

Me: Probably not.

Friend: PROBABLY?

Me: It’s an imperfect world. Now push the button, please.

if they didn’t want me to take the coins off a dead man’s eyes they would have moved the gumball machine further away.

*panicking* 3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3

I took my dad to the gym with me today. The man clocks a mile on the treadmill before I could hit the Start button.
I’m not taking him with me again.

I’m starting to think YouTube hasn’t done a very good job of raising my children.

10 out of 8 mathematicians recommend improper fractions.

Just wrote “except for you, spiders >:(” on my Welcome mat so that should be the end of that

CEO: It’s got wheels
Inventor: It’s the best we could do
CEO: You had 30 yrs
I:
CEO: Put “may not hover” on the box and get out of my sight

Me: baby, with you every friday is good friday

Wife: aw that’s sweet

Jesus: wow

dinosaur: omg a meteor

t-rex clark kent: *desperately trying to remove his glasses with his tiny arms*

I wish No More Tangles shampoo would work on Christmas lights.

I called the neighbor boy a ruffian, and now I’m writing a terse note in calligraphy to send off to his mum via carrier pigeon.

I’m really scared society will collapse soon and there won’t be any more Doritos.

boss: can we talk?
me: sure
boss: people are afraid of you because you’re obsessed with the devil
me: okay, first of all his name is lucifer

When someone says “women like you” to me, I assume they’re referring to extremely powerful wizards.

Me: I don’t think this YouTube video is appropriate.

5-year-old: If you’re scared, I can watch by myself.

You ever released wind at the bank and accidentally deposited loose change?

I’m not buying it that each village only had one idiot

I noticed my mouse problem is back an I yelled at my cats for being lazy and not doing their job like I was in a Tom and Jerry cartoon

HIPSTER COP: I pulled you over because of the volume
ME: *turns down stereo* Sorry
HC: Not that. What products do you use in your hair?

I stepped on a plate of wet cat food this morning so no I don’t care about taking off my shoes at the airport

Scientist: You left the cage open and 349 frogs escaped.
Me: I guess I FROGOT 🙂
Scientist: *rubbing bridge of nose* They were poisonous.

Just slung my bra off & threw it to the other side of the couch where there are already 2 other bras. If my math is right, it’s Wednesday.

When my pc crashes, I go to the guy with the most action figures in his cubicle for help.