Look… don’t end your presentation with “Are there any questions?” & then get all pissy when I ask if you can ride a unicycle.
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If anyone is thinking of fighting me, just know I cook bacon topless.
They called me hysterical, and I laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed
Toddler boy: worry about them eating enough.
Teen boy: worry about them leaving you something to eat.
The Internet is good for two things
1) People without clothes
2) Animals with clothes
(finding some nice fresh limbs) nice… these will be perfect for my frankenstein
People belittle the internet “talking about a dress” as if we’re busy solving problems otherwise.
Stop blaming everyone for all of your problems. Pick the one person you really hate and blame them for everything
To subscribe to the NY Times, all you do is enter some info online.
To cancel your subscription, all you have to do is call them, ask to cancel, be re-directed to the canceling department, enter a special code that was sent to your phone, do 20 jumping jacks, and die a little.
A selfie stick is very useful…..
.. as a prod to keep people out of your personal space.
My daughter has written a homage to the chicken kebab. I am delighted. I wonder how my vegetarian husband feels about this..
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*wakes up in hospital*
What happened?
“It was a heart attack”
Will I be ok?
*a big heart outside slowly taps on window with a bat*
“No”
Just made some home made Mac n cheese, so cheesy and buttery that you have to sign a medical waiver before taking a bite.
The best thing about lockdown is that we’ve been able to potty train our 3 year old.
No pressure to go anywhere
Can stroll around freely with no underwear
Lots of rewards and stickersAnd the best part is all this applies to our 3 year old too
Friday the 13th is still better than Monday the 16th.
It’s so ridiculous how I watch 1 documentary & falsely feel like an expert. I just know if someone yelled “OH NO! Can anyone interpret these ancient Mayan hieroglyphs?!” my brain would react like “It’s okay, everyone! Stand back! I saw a documentary once! I’ve got this!”
i’m pretty sure chicken soup was meant for a bowl, not your soul
Ugh what’s with all the free range organic baby food crap? My parents fed me Wonder bread and jelly and guess what, I miraculously grew into an adult. I mean, not a functioning one. But still.
“When I’m done shitting on your car I’m going to watch your wife undress through her window”-Birds
I wonder how many hobbies you have to suck at before you take up bird watching.
If Kevin Bacon didn’t acknowledge his kids as “Bacon Bits” I’ll be forever disappointed.
Man: Who are you?
God: Your god.
Man: What’s your name?
God: I can’t tell you.
Man: No way!
God: Jahweh!
Man:
God: Doh!
I’m like Beyonce if Beyonce could not sing or dance.
landlord put a coin-op pay box on the laundry a month into our stay so I’m looking up the manufacturer and buying a replacement key for it to steal my quarters back.
When God closes a door, he opens a window. Our heating bill is outrageous & six raccoons got in last night. Please God, this has to stop.
It’s offensive when people unfollow me just because I unfollowed them. My tweets are still good, yours are not.
For the record I support all forms of pizza. Deep dish, thin crust, large folded, all good. Delivery? Yes. Home made? You bet. A man covering himself with sauce and cheese and standing outside my window singing Air Supply? It’s a yes from me, pal.
Sneaking out of the house is a skill I’ve used way more as a mom than I ever did as a teenager.
Texting random numbers “It’s done.”
#ImNotWorriedCuz I’m into this
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If I’m eating at a restaurant and see a movie star, I always take a pen and paper over and ask “Will you pay for my meal?”