Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If Vanilla Ice was a priest:
🎶If you have a sin, yo, I’ll solve it / read the Good Book while my DJ absolves it! 🎶

Soft pretzels come one of two ways:

– no salt

– enough salt for ten miles of roadway before a snowstorm

Self awareness can be great but it likes to roast the shit out of you when you try to sleep

This Valentine’s Day, make sure to make it extra awkward by playing “All By Myself” on full blast in your car while eating and sobbing into a bucket of fried chicken when you’re waiting at red lights.

I successfully avoided the red-eye flight and got the much milder pink eye flight.

waiting for the right context to watch oppenheimer (about 5 years from now on a 8 inch screen in an intercontinental flight)

My favorite word in the English language is “Amen” because when I hear it I know you’re finally done asking Me for stupid shit.

If two pieces of pizza share the same pepperoni that is one piece of pizza. Don’t let anybody tell you differently

I just switched my phone to airplane mode and a small child appeared and started kicking me in the back.

Happy St. Paddy’s Day, everyone. I stayed in tonight. I’m not allowed to go out on St. Paddy’s Day anymore. It’s too much.

IKEA challenge: assemble anything with drawers

IKEA double challenge: add cats

IKEA triple challenge: now wine

[pizza delivery]

Girl: Is there an other way I can pay you? *bites lip*

uh HELL YEAH!

*pulls out phone*

see that RT button?

Netflix needs to stop asking if I’m still watching and start asking if I moved the laundry to the dryer yet.

[Creation]

God: “Give them hair up their nose”

Angel: “Hair? But why?”

God: “To catch their snot”

Angel: “Snot?”

When the client says “make it pop”, I can’t help but wonder if it’s my sanity or the website design they’re talking about.

see you in hell you stupid fruit

I remember when a computer didn’t automatically connect to the internet, it used to make a screaming noise. We should have listened.

[in front of fire]
DATE: I’m still kinda cold *she looks at my jacket*
ME: Oh! Yeah *I take off jacket & throw it in fire* That oughta do it

I don’t think the church is going to let me pick music for the bible group again. In my defense, the band name “Lamb of God” is misleading.

My daughter wakes up everyday at
2:30, and moves from her room to the game room couch. She wants to be sure to see her brother leave at 5:00 for swim practice. It’s not to wish him a good day, but to see what he’s wearing so she can copy his outfit.

[Courtroom]

Judge: Have you been up before me?

Convict: I don’t know, Judge. What time were you up this morning?

I no longer dislike Mondays, i’m mature now… I dislike the whole week.

If you have nothing mean to say, say it in German.

This old lady in the grocery store was just giving me the weirdest looks and the worst piggy back ride of my life

Big shout out to the three people still trying to do jokes.

How long does Chewbacca take to shampoo his hair?

Me: is it ok if we have sex right now

Girlfriend: yes, also thanks for asking

Me: yeah consent is important, don’t u agree

Mom, also at the dinner table: absolutely, you’re such a gentleman

husband: you’re so sweaty. did you work out?

me: [just ate half a block of cheese] yes

That time I tried to clap while doing a push-up and almost died.