Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m not saying your dumb. I’m saying you’re dumb.

Yeah, I don’t think this is how it works

I get pissed if Alexa doesn’t understand my commands with a mouthful of mashed potatoes.

On Average, ovulating women prefer rugged & masculine men.

Menstruating women prefer men duct-taped and on fire.

Me: do you love natural peanut butter, but hate stirring it?

Construction Boss: I’m not questioning the concept, it’s just not your cement mixer

I definitely thought I would have shot the lock off of something by now in my life.

Replace someone’s MRI with a dancing skeleton gif once, and you’ll never be asked to deliver bad news again.

I just cleaned out my purse. So, I’ll be having a garage sale later this afternoon.

Sent an email to my Mom. Now I’m at her place showing her how to open it.

It’s amazing that every single kid on the planet is cunning enough to know that “I’m thirsty” has the best odds of delaying sleep. Think about it–between dinner & bath water they’ve had PLENTY to drink. Over time they’ve played every card & independently found the ace of spades.

… then, I hit the salesperson with “do you know who my father is?”, their attitude changed after that

[Bee diary]
Day one: met a really cute queen bee
Day two: queen bee is now my gf
Day three: my gf cheated on me with my 40,000 roommates

I just want the courage to stick with my choice of medium sized refreshments after the cashier tells me that large is just 25 cents more.

I had a 77 Datsun pickup. I came out of the mall and drove home in the wrong 77 Datsun pickup. The key worked.

My 3-year-old said she wished we had a pet. I reminded her we have a dog and wow the genuine surprise on her face as it dawned on her that our dog is a pet and not just some other guy who lives here.

I’m at my most ninja when slipping on my seat belt as a cop car pulls up beside me.

WIFE: Where are you off to?

ME: Shits & giggles.

WIFE: What?

ME: I’m gonna read funny tweets on the toilet.

Nothing says you’re over your ex like showing up at his wedding with a bride and groom voodoo doll.

Sorry that I took a picture of my armpit and tried to pass it off as my thigh gap.

I’m doing the vacuuming..
It doesn’t need doing but it’s a legitimate way of annoying the kids

JEDI WHO INVENTED LIGHTSABER: ok its a destructive laser sword so maybe we shoudnt wear anythig too flowy
JEDI IN CHARGE OF COSTUMES: …OORR

M: If someone calls you the wrong name is it rude to correct them?

Interviewer: I meant questions about the job, Kim.

M: Well, I’m Ursula.

you’re damn right i have

no. that was two husbands ago. my great, great ex husband

Wow, you’ve got a lot of hickeys Kris.
Me: Busy weekend *winks
*remembers wrestling that octopus at the aquarium for giving me side eye.

JOSEPH: who did you name me after?
ME: you were named after my grandfather
GREGGNOG: what about me dad?

my boss: here’s your raise

me: thanks

my landlord: he was talking to me

Me: Why don’t we have a nice, romantic bubble bath?
Him: Sounds amazing

*flash forward*

Him: I thought we’d be taking the bubble bath together
Me: (from the other tub) My tub is too small for two, you know that. And say “over” when you’re done talking on the walkie, babe

me: can I buy you a drink?
girl: sorry [holds up martini] already got one
me: [spits in it] How about now?

Husband: Do you want to go for a run today?

Me: *drawing a giant pumpkin on my stomach* Nah, I’m good.