Look dude, I’m going to need to see alot more chest hair and jewelry if you want into my Disco party
You Might Also Like
My husband would NEVER cheat on me.
He’s too lazy
ME: mom we’re out of eggs again!
MOM: it’s ok, there’s cereal
[later]
ME: *throwing cheerios at the mean neighbor’s house* this sucks
Pet names convey familiarity and endearment. For example, honey pot, baby cakes, Succubus.
If anyone is living vicariously through me, you just bought yourself Flintstones chewable vitamins.
Calling out sick from work and then showing up anyway to establish dominance and confuse my enemies.
If you take a social media break don’t announce it. Just make your last post something fun like “I wonder what would happen if I jumped this fence and try to pet these cute tigers at this zoo?”
You’d be surprised how many times you can use the word succulent in a work email.
me: if you love something, set it free
wife: [stopping me from releasing our baby into the wild] don’t
Emperor: How are my elite troops doing on Endor?
Vader: They were all viciously murdered by teddy bears.
Emperor: That sounds plausible.
[plastic surgeon holds mirror up to my face]
ME: What happened!? I’m a monster!
DOCTOR: We had to postpone your surgery.
Me: *driving* Look, kids, it’s Godzilla.
Kids: Where?
Me: *pointing* There! The big giant lizard. You can’t miss him.
Kids: WHERE!
Me: He’s picking up our car.
Kids: WHERE?!?
Me: He’s hurling us through the air.
Kids: *crying* I DIDN’T SEE HIM!!
BEEKEEPER: *opens up beehive and finds a peanut butter and jelly sandwich* If that’s here…
KID: *opens up lunchbox in school cafeteria*
Don’t you hate it when you go into the bathroom at a party to sneak out of the window, and their bathroom doesn’t have a window, so you have to bust through the wall like the Kool-Aid Man?
︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎
When you go on vacation because your significant other wants to and you want to avoid a fight.
Placation.
Today a guy at the bus stop said, “Lovely weather, huh?” and I just started running cuz I didn’t know the answer.
Heartbreaking: Introvert sentenced to 100 hours of hanging out.
Give a man a roll of toilet paper, he wipes for a day
Give a man a CVS receipt, he wipes for a lifetime
[the best zoom meetings]
host: can you hear me ok?
everyone: no
host: let’s just reschedule
everyone: great
i hate when adults say “tummy.” im a grown up. it’s my STOMACH that hurts because I had too many sweets without mothers permission
Never ‘boop’ a police officer on the nose when he pulls you over for speeding; I know this now.
Dr: you have pneumonia
Hillary: what’s pneumonia
Me: *fighting off secret service* not much monia what’s pneu with you
5: Lucas said he would give me $100 if I go to his birthday party. But I would go for free. But I didn’t tell him that.
Me: I have nothing left to teach you, my child
your childhood ends the moment you learn it’s not called “duck tape”
I don’t understand interventions.
What’s the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of the reasons I drink in the first place?
doc: i think you’re dying
me: I want a second opinion
doc: i think it’s great
Like dad use to say, if it ain’t broke, obviously my kid hasn’t touched it yet.
Good times!
Never call it a guest room.
That’s just asking for trouble.