Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I keep banana skins within reach at work because you never know when you’re going to need to make a murder look like an accident.

Just as the siren’s song lures sailors to their doom on the rocks, the ding of the microwave calls the unwitting to destroy the roof of their mouth on the molten cheese of the Hot Pocket.

[10 PM]
If I go to bed now, I’ll get a full 8 hours of sleep

[3AM]
Siri what is a grape nut

Sometimes I’m just so exhausted I have to go to bed and scroll my phone for the next 2-3 hours

Jamie Oliver says there’s “nothing worse in the world than an undercooked green bean”

I’m going to go out on a limb and say he doesn’t watch the news.

I feel tired and weak. Probably just getting older and nothing is wrong. Well, time to read the news

My teen said my new shoes are dank, so now I need to google what that means and decide if I’m happy or mad.

there are some wounds only potatoes can heal

who wants to come over and snake my drain this weekend?

(this is not a euphemism I am standing in two inches of bathwater)

Professional cuddlers probably aren’t going to advertise on Craigslist.

I know this now.

*Walks away with a scar on my back and a missing kidney*

Y’all why did I join a Black and Queer meeting… I thought you could be one or the other. The ice breaker was going around the room asking about your queer awakening…

I had to tell them I was just here because I’m Black 😭 I’m so embarrassed

the first guy to ride a horse was all like GIDDYUP HORSEY and the horse was all like DAMMIT WHO TOLD HIM THAT MAKES US GO

[first day in the Mafia]

Me: I’ve taken care of your wife as you asked

Boss: great, where is she? Did she have a nice time?

Me: oh no

*being abducted by aliens*

Hey thanks guys it was getting pretty rough down there. What we got goin’ on, snack-wise?

“Damn girl, you look hot”

Really?

“Like a sexy little italian car”

DID YOU JUST CALL ME FIAT?!?

I don’t know what I’d do if a pen leaked in my mouth. I dread tooth ink.

people keep asking my pregnant ass what my cravings are. when you ask me that question my craving becomes a gun and a double shot of whiskey

(Adobe CEO’s house)

Like the new couch hun?

Update it.

What about the wallpap…

UPDATE IT ALL.

You’re scaring the ki…

UPDATE THEM TOO…

[8am, phone rings]

Hotel Desk: Ma’am we’re going to be turning off the water for about 2 hours this morning.

Me: No worries, I have vodka.

do u think spider-man ever shot a little of his own web in his mouth just to see what it tastes like

can’t catch a break

I’m not getting fatter. I’m increasing my content.

I think college costs are so high because at that point parents are willing to pay anything to get their kids out of the house.

grampa: no controversial topics this Christmas—

me: it’s not controversial

grampa: don’t start

me: Santa is more powerful than the X-Men

grampa: Phoenix would DESTROY San—

me: SPEED, OMNISCIENCE, FLIGHT—

grampa: HE CAN’T FLY IF SHE WIPES REINDEER FROM EXISTENCE!

Everyone’s a gangster until you have to chase a plastic bag that the wind took.

I had two naps today but every time I wake up I’m still at work.

Date: So what do you do?

Me: I’m a script editor.

Me: Are you any good?

Me: No.

[after a plane crash]

Pilot: are u guys mad at me :/

Cats sleep 18 hours a day and only get up to murder.

I respect that.