Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

there should be an opposite of valentine’s day where you post instagram photos of your enemy

Just found out there’s a bug called the tarantula hawk wasp and I’m like holy shit maybe just pick one terrifying predator to name it after.

It’s an epidemic…

My parent trap worked perfectly. I now have five parents.

If you’re afraid of a book’s influence on the young, banning or burning it is foolish. Assign it in an English class and you will destroy it within a generation.

Every DJ knows the best response to a request is “yeah sure” then not play the song.

Me: I wish I was the most beautiful person in the world.
Genie: done
Me: *looking in mirror* But I still look the same…
Genie: Just wait until you see everybody else.

If I had a dollar for every time someone got me to try a beer by saying it didn’t taste like beer, I’d call it my I͟T͟ D͟O͟E͟S͟ T͟O͟O͟ T͟A͟S͟T͟E͟ L͟I͟K͟E͟ B͟E͟E͟R͟͟ money.

The prize for getting up early is to eat a worm? Birds are idiots

Let’s talk about Sex Baby. I regret you naming our son that. You’re a real piece of shit, Tammy.

My soul is possessed by fried chicken.

I replaced all the fire extinguishers at work with confetti canons because I like to party

You can’t please me, you’re not the long straight block in Tetris.

I hate when people ask me if I’m all ready for Christmas. No Susan. I’m not even ready for today.

My friends definitely cannot handle their alcohol. Last night they dropped me 3 times carrying me out of the bar

“When I call your name say ‘omnipresent.'” – teacher to class full of Gods

goldfish mafia

[after my funeral]

Someone: hey remember in the Neverending Story when Artax the horse was in the swamp of sadn—

My disembodied spirit: NO. Still too soon.

Everytime a suburban white kid throws up a gang sign, an angel misses brunch.

Why do cows wear bells?

Because their horns don’t work

I find it odd that when someone dies we refer to them as late, my late Aunt Polly. Aunt Polly isn’t late, she’s not coming.

My favorite Tacobell menu item is the cheesy *checks google translate* little chubby girl crunch

I like waiters.

They bring a lot to the table.

I was in a band called Click Bait. You won’t believe the kind of music we recorded. Track number 5 will blow your mind.

it’s been 12 years since Shrek came out, I still can’t get over the fact that Donkey had sex with a dragon..

Dad: What do you want for your birthday?

Me: I want a gf thats not crazy.

Dad: You should ask for something more realistic. Like a dragon.

If by axe throwing, you mean throw all of my son’s body spray in the trash because he uses it so much, then yes I’ll go axe throwing with you.

Lots of people ask me why I’m still single and I don’t tell them anything, I just hang around them for a few minutes