Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Let me make this abundantly clear

– window makers probably

How did ppl describe the size of hail before the advent of sports?

We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.

[7 AM at the grocery store]

Me: Wow all the old people are out early.

Me [realizing I am out with them]: Dammit.

The great thing about having pet insurance is that while our dachshund is at the vets, they’ve given us a courtesy poodle to hang out with.

Flatulent: (n.) a small apartment in Brooklyn you let a friend borrow

My wife’s biggest fear isn’t that we’ll die from Coronavirus, it’s that we’ll die from Coronavirus and the kids will go through our stuff and find out that mom and dad were into some really freaky shit.

I like doormats that say ‘Welcome’ but they don’t go far enough. I want a trail of doormats saying ‘Welcome’, ‘How was your journey?’, ‘Can I take your coat?’, ‘How’s the family?’, ‘Well, it’s getting late’ and ‘Thanks for coming’. Automate the whole process of entertaining.

I don’t know how my parents avoided boredom before the internet. My 13 brothers and sisters don’t know either.

When people complain that all Cristiano Ronaldo does is score goals, I don’t understand.

What do you want him to do?

Fry yam?

When I got the vaccine they asked me how I was feeling and I said I feel kind of updog and they put the syringe back in and took the vaccine out of me

couple beside me in restaurant are on a blind date; they both love dogs, sushi, and looking at Tinder while the other one is in the restroom

Daylight savings is not enough. You need to be daylight investing.

Ginny Weasley: so like what are we?

Harry Potter: [slowly reaches for invisibility cloak]

ah shit, i accidentally left my gender reveal pressure cooker on a crowded train

I like you, but I don’t “give you a roll of my toilet paper” like you…

Just had my biannual teeth cleaning like some barn animal.

Sadly, no one came and cleaned my house while I was on vacation.

I once had a broken tooth repaired in France. I still chew with a slight accent.

I’ve received so many Viagra emails my laptop opened on its own.

Catch a baby opossum, give it a 12-hr sedative, and hide it in the glove compartment of the car of the person who’s dating your ex.

[Dentist waiting room]

Me: [chanting] teeth, teeth-

Other patients: teeth, TEETH

Secretary: [pounding her clipboard] TEETH, TEETH, TEETH!

6yr old: (screaming in terror) there’s a giant spider in the bathroom!!!!!!!!

Daddy: I’ll get it. (Runs in bathroom). Don’t worry, he’s dead now.

6yr old: YOU KILLED HIM???? (Falls to the floor, sobbing)

Me: I’m so tired. Can’t wait to go to sleep.

Body: Hold up there. Need to test nerve endings. Here’s a random shooting pain in your hand.

Me: No.

Brain: Here’s that weird jerking thing when you start to fall asleep!!

Me: Please stop.

Body: Itchy back!

*Werewolves spot a group of teens smoking pot around a campfire*

Werewolf 1: Edibles!

Bruce Willis should host a baking competition called Pie Hard.

Lawyer: so tell me, why was my client’s mouth bleeding?
Dentist: he doesn’t floss
Me: You hit me!
D: [puts lips on mic] bc you don’t floss

The guy in the stall beside doesn’t know he can shut off his camera shutter…..

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: the Bible is 100% accurate. Especially when thrown at close range.

Son: Did you know Alligators can live 100 years?

Me: Must be why you’ll see them later.