look for my book on Amazon: What To Do When Your Teen May Be Abusing ADHD Meds But Goddammit His Chores Are Actually Done For Once
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Did you breast feed him as a baby?
“Lady, I didn’t have breasts when I was a baby.”
friend: what day is it today
me: it’s mar 10
friend: like mario!
me: itsa mar 10
People on the Internet always trigger my restless-fists syndrome.
*Tucks shirt in*
“Goodnight, shirt.”
Oh, to be a rat with a pancake
You know that one cow in the field that’s like 200 yards away from all his cow friends just doing his own thing? That’s me. I am that cow.
Mountain Goat : )
Every single headline could read: “Idiots Continue To Do Stuff”
Had no idea why my salad was $175, ’til the waiter explained that they only use Beets by Dre.
trying a new Pudding recipe:
– Milk
– Eggs
– Proof
– Butter
[accidentally calls teacher “mom”]
MY BRAIN: shit, play it cool. say something.
ME: what’s for dinner tonight
BRAIN: what
If Satan isn’t real then why am I in a group text with my family
Forgot to turn on the grill, burgers been on there for half an hour, I know cause the tv show I like’s over & nothing’s on fire.
I don’t understand people who don’t have kids. Imagine having absolutely nobody to blame when you’re late.
I’ve been trying to figure out why I overslept today. Just realized drunk me set my calculator for $7.30.
Woman came up to me in Target & whispered, “You have toilet paper hanging out of your shorts.”
I said, “Well don’t you have nerve. No one EVER bothers me about my tail at the WalMart.”
If you’ve never baked pot brownies in an Easy Bake Oven… then you’ve never wrote an apology letter to your sister with an Etch A Sketch.
I saved a ton of money on cool sports cars, vacation getaways and NFL season tickets by having children.
SON: Daddy, I keep hearing noises from my closet. I think a monster’s in there.
ME: Yeah, why do you think mom and I chose the other room?
My phone got an “extreme cold” alert that said to check on the elderly, and like 5 minutes later the kids next door checked on me. Brutal.
Therapist: so you pop pills all-day, eat random fruit you find on the ground, and see ghosts?
Pac-Man: *deep breath*
captain: hand in your gun
me: *staring down barrel* the most I can fit is a finger
7yo: You count to 20 and I’ll hide.
Me: Ok. [Starts counting.]
[Goes downstairs to drink coffee and eat cookies.]
6-year-old: Santa’s not real.
Me: That’s right.
6: So I can be bad.
Me: That’s wrong.
Oohh, you play bass, as in the guitar. I thought you played bass, like the fish. I would’ve paid to see that.
I could never do time in prison – The handshakes are way too complicated.
I try to ask my child questions instead of directly telling him things. I guess he’s picked up on it because yesterday a little voice from the back asked me “mama, what is the speed limit here?” and when I failed to take action he followed up patiently, “is 68 bigger than 65?”
school taught me a lot of useless stuff but nothing tops state capitals. if i’m ever in a career that depends on me knowing where Delaware’s governor works i have made some serious missteps in life
LIBERAL PARENTS REFUSE TO GIVE NAUGHTY TEEN COAL:
“fossils fuels cause global warming”
“billy woke up to solar panels in his stocking”
Having kids is like continually cleaning up after a huge party that you didn’t attend.