Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Started watching the latest James Bond film last night. He’s in Italy in the beginning. Didn’t see one Olive Garden.

REPORT: Box You Set Down for a Second to Become Permanent Decor:

coconuts are mammals. i know this because they are furry, they produce milk, and make excellent companions

My husband said we should have a ‘date night’

I wonder why he didn’t like it when I introduced him to my date? Husbands, go figure.

Tonight a woman showed me a picture of her 6’2, muscled up, super hot 21 year old son, and I calmly said, “What a handsome young man,” instead of “Holy shit,” even though I’d had 3 Cosmopolitans, if anyone is looking to hire a diplomat.

My brother dropped my MacBook and the screen got slightly cracked, so I’m giving it away for free if anyone’s interested

Specifications:
Age : 11
Weight : 25Kgs
Healthy so far.

So there’s been some misinformation going around about the “child stabbing machine.” I want to correct some misperceptions. To start, the machine is built to look like a fun party clown. It’s fun! Also (and it’s understandable if you weren’t aware) children love getting stabbed.

Answering: How are you?

“Good”
-lame
-probably a lie
-will have you ask “how are you” in return

“Not good”
-lame
-looks weak
-incites follow-up questions

“That’s confidential”
-inventive
-sounds mysterious
-allows to answer follow-up questions with “that’s confidential” too 😀

[at my dad’s funeral after he drowns]
ME: *places a wreath made of a life preserver on the coffin* It’s what he would have wanted…

mom: are you kids committing seppuku in there
me: [trying to scoop my guts back inside me] NO
mom: ok… no seppuku

I never had the birds and the bees talk growing up…I just had Chris Isaak’s Wicked Game music video with Helena Christensen and I was like yes please

How depressed are you on a scale from 1 to “regularly visits song lyrics websites”?

I like to diffuse situations with humor

And a machete

AT&T literally grounded someone of you with loss of telephone privileges.

dogs are toddlers

cats are teenagers

You can keep your romantic gestures like holding a boom box over your head or boiling a bunny. Real romance is your husband coming home with family size bags of Skittles and Twizzlers.

If the pandemic has taught us anything, it’s that everything can be done naked.

Walgreens guy: You still need to leave

I just want the courage to stick with my choice of medium sized refreshments after the cashier tells me that large is just 25 cents more.

You gotta wet it first, doesn’t work dry. The wetter the better.

-whistling you perverts

I wonder if the guy who came up with the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases.

I still have a landline. Or as I like to call it, Cell Phone Finder.

[first date]
Me: I’m a very reserved person
Me: [5 minutes later] if aliens abducted me no one would miss me

When a Midwesterner buys something at a significant discount it’s important to deflect any compliments about the item and explain how cheap it was

*getting attacked by a bear in France*

ME: Gnaw me like one of your French girls.

[3 am]
toddler *steps on my face trying to sneak into the bed*
me: You are the worst ninja ever

Welcome to middle age.

Only one nostril works

Married life be like, “I need you to explain what is happening in this show as if I haven’t been watching every episode for the last 4 seasons with you.”

I keep finding chocolate wrappers on the ground and I’m so disappointed in my daughter. I thought I raised her better to hide the evidence.

Imagine if a centipede had to cut its toenails.

How does the fire know to exit at those specific doors?