Look forward to Chick-fil-A introducing their Only Some People Are Allowed to Be Happy Meal.
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Me: “I like you.”
Date: “I like you, too.”
Me: “Well this just got boring.”
therapist: would some music help you feel more centered?
me: no thanks, I’m self-centered
therapist: again, that’s why we’re here
You think you’re cool and then you see a video of yourself running.
addams family is funny because it was meant as a subversion of regular western family values, and so the wife and husband both like eachother
My new table from Ikea is actually just the unopened box with a tablecloth thrown over it.
As spooky season approaches, my very interested toddler has been asking “WHAT HIM NAME?” when we see a skeleton or other ghoulish figure on someone’s lawn, and since “I don’t know” is unacceptable to people who are almost 3, I have been spitballing names of people I don’t like.
I bought 28 items at the grocery store today and the bagger managed to strategically fit them into just 21 bags.
911: What is your emergency.
M: I need to report a home invasion. This woman looks like my mother in law but she’s smiling. Please hurry.
I’m getting really good at raising my eyebrow to communicate the concept of “that’s not six foot”.
I learnt it from various women who were communicating a similar message in a very different context.
I’m a great babysitter. If you’re interested, I can offer an above 95% survival rate.
The person in that bathroom stall would not survive ‘A Quiet Place’
Sometimes I go to the store for a battery, and come out with cotton balls, spray paint, cereal, and a lamp.
The existence of Kylo Ren implies the existence of Kylo Stimpy.
me (on desert island): good thing i was able to grab this CD player & my 5 fav CDs
other survivor: I saw you put down bread & pick those up
Nobody ever says “OMG I saw your twin!” and shows you a picture of somebody attractive. It’s always like “OMG I saw your twin!” and then it’s a picture of a half-eaten sandwich in the garbage
if there’s anything parenthood taught me it’s that weird ppl have kids too & their kids may become friends w/ ur kids culminating in all around awkward small talk at bday functions
18-22 is a confusing age. I got friends getting married, some in prison, and some still have to ask their parents to stay out past curfew.
Disney: okay i guess we’ll close the parks but ONLY because it’s above a category 3
Dear 6-year-old me: As an adult you won’t need to know cursive but you will need an ability to type with your thumbs. The future is weird.
*doorbell rings*
me: go away I’m social distancing
voice: pizza delivery
me: *opens door*
COVID19: hehe, got’em
I’ve been listening to Pink Floyd for the past 2 hours. I’m about to just go ahead and skip to track 2.
As my cheeseburger and fries arrived, the woman next to me told the bartender she’s absolutely starving, and then asked for a glass of champagne, 2 olives and a fork.
Licked a frog once.
He didn’t turn into a prince but he did turn into an ambulance ride.
My home security system growing up was my parents telling me not to open the door for anyone.
And now begins the yearly tradition of writing the incorrect year on everything, for the next 3 months.
Telling your child their sibling is still asleep a very effective way to get them to practice their instrument.
Gravity is just the earth being really clingy
I think adulthood is realizing that I’m single because of everyone else’s shortcomings
me: Guess what? Your dad’s going to be on the radio!
7yo: What’s the radio?
My 8-year-old has been explaining his video game to me since 2003