Look forward to Chick-fil-A introducing their Only Some People Are Allowed to Be Happy Meal.
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Good News: It wasn’t a colon polyp.
Bad News: somewhere, a craigslist escort is missing a press-on nail.
[showing date how to eat a lobster] pull the meat from the claw. good. now get your ketchup ready
My son asked me today how old Earth was and I told him over 4 billion years old. To which he then asked, “Ok so, how old were you when it was born?”
So if anyone asks, I guess I’m 4 billion and 40 years old.
Ugh, I hate when my bath sandwich gets all wet
Cookies from Best to Worst:
1. Chocolate chip
2. Girl Scout
3. Oreos
…
…
727. Browser
728. Tossed
729. Raisin
HOW TO DIAGNOSE ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION:
1) It’s not very hard
just once id like to see people talking about a murder victim in an average way. like yeah tony always hated going food shopping. decent guy tho
First person to build a clock had no idea how long it took.
Can you imagine being a cat and having to do this NINE times?!
Me: “Do you have any songs you’re really hoping to learn in piano lessons?”
7 yo boy, dead serious: “Well my main goal for being here is really to learn The Muffin Man.”
You got it, brother. 🫡
I’m not saying that my husband is trying to kill me….
… I’m just saying that if I die from walking into an open kitchen cabinet that he’s the dumbass who left it open.
Everything I know about dancing I learned from the Charlie Brown Christmas party
Throwing things off the table before my cat gets the chance to is one of my favourite past times. Eye contact is imperative for full satisfaction
Rent really don’t make no sense like why is my apartment getting a raise every year who is doing the performance review.
Oh you’ve jumped out of an airplane? Well, I’ve run down the stairs in SOCKS, so I think we’re even
“What does the fox say?” Whatever the Rupert Murdoch tells it to.
REALTOR: You’ll LOVE this home-
ME: My dog doesn’t like it.
REALTOR: But I-
ME: [holding dog in realtor’s face] I TRUST HIM MORE THAN YOU
Forgot to do laundry again. I bet everyone at work is going to love my prom dress.
Um my neighbor is operating a wood chipper …. at night👀
cop: if i were you i wouldn’t leave town
me: but if you were, what bus would you take
Science can’t explain why your bathroom is at least 9x further away from your bedroom at 1am
In the autumn there are two types of creatures who collect acorns: squirrels and toddlers.
After a heated discussion with Marie Kondo i’ve decided to throw myself in the trash.
“Are you okay?”
Me anytime I meet someone named Annie.
found my next D&D character name
Whenever I see a good looking firefighter, I stop, drop, and roll, so he knows I’m knowledgeable about fire safety.
I hate when recipes tell you to take something out of the pan and add it back in later. No way bro. It’s staying in there.
I’m not responsible for the things I say when you’re stupid.
People are so nosy. “What’s your name” “who is your primary care physician” “do you have health insurance” mind your beezwax