Look forward to Chick-fil-A introducing their Only Some People Are Allowed to Be Happy Meal.
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He was a sperm,
she was an egg
can i make it anymore ovulous
Guys, if you forget your girl’s birthday, just look into her eyes and say, “I love you.” Then run, because that is not going to help.
the gym is my favorite place to go to listen to people count to 10
Ordered a takeaway and the driver forgot my milkshake, I asked for a refund on the delivery app and it’s asking for a picture of the missing milkshake… I-
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[driving on the highway]
My son, distraught: oh no. This is bad. This is very very bad.
Me: WHAT? WHAT IS IT?
Him: my Funyuns. I can’t find my Funyuns.
Twitter: Worchest… Worce… Woostishire, haha this word is so hard to spell, am I right?
Also Twitter: GIMME ALL THE SRIRACHA
#WhyDoPeopleThinkItsOkayTo replace letters in words with numbers….well now i don’t feel like reading the math equation you just sent me
me (hungover):
Why do I have a photo of me with a fire hydrant?wife:
Because last night you wanted a picture with R2D2.
When you’re feeling nice so you stop and get a couple dozen donuts for your crew. But then you gotta leave em in your car until the gravy sucking ingrate non reciprocating 1st shift crew goes home so your crew can actually eat them.
Welcome to your 40’s. Right after you’re done peeing, you feel like you need to pee.
ME: Can I buy you a drink?
HER: I have a boyfriend.
ME: {counting coins on the table} He can only get something small then.
me: stop calling me names!
bully: shut up names
Me: I want Botox.
Husband: What for? Your forehead?
Me:
H:
Me: What’s wrong with my forehead?
I’m tempted to start throwing glitter at people who refuse to wear masks. So sorry it got in your mouth and up your nose, I bet a mask would have prevented that.
[party]
ME: I’m uncomfortable
BF: Just mingle
ME: Do I introduce myself?
BF: We’re at your family reunion
it’s a beautiful day. I step into the sunlight, warm on my skin. wow it’s actually really hot. questioning my choice to wear a black shirt. damn it’s sweltering and humid too. I’m pouring sweat. all I’ve had is black coffee. oh my god this shirt is 87% polyester call an ambulance
before therapy: i hate people
after therapy: i feel good about hating people!
I like how Angelina waited to divorce Brad Pitt until Jen got married. Well played Maleficent…well played…
Mob Boss: Did you check the money for marks?
Me: Why would I, we’ve never had a president named Mark
Mob Boss: …
Me: *getting nervous* H-have we?
*whispers to dog wearing a ‘working dog, do not pet’ vest*
psst what time does your shift end?
Mall security asked me to empty my pockets.
My response was “you won’t find a better job or respect in my pockets”
Squirrels don’t want to wear shoes no matter how cold it is I tell the emergency room physician
if you can’t find a man on a dating app, store bought is fine
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Let’s settle this like men… men with bad judgment & unlimited water balloons
former classmate: i am happily married with four kids, a house, two cars, an rv & a boat.
me: i am a llama. i live in an enchanted forest with a squirrel wizard. we eat magical berries & those berries give us powers which we shall use to find & slay the evil dragon king.
I wish other people my age weren’t so old.
Don’t think of it as losing followers, think of it as frustrating bots to the point they go away
I’m only a vegetarian so people won’t invite me anywhere
I could have been a monk but I missed my chants
asbestos? I’m doing asbestos I can