I apologise if I offended you.
And if I haven’t yet, just give it time.
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[several months ago]
BEYONCÉ: Kim Kardashian might be having a 3RD baby
JAY-Z: How many we got
BEYONCÉ: One
JAY-Z: Not a problem
I dont know about you guys, but I am amazed Pringles is able to constantly grow the same shaped potato. Science.
Pro tip: Get two photos that are ten years apart and label your before photo as your after and your after photo as your before.
Grandmother: “So what is Skype?”
*Explains in great detail on how it works*
“So do I need a computer for it?”
“I JUST…how’s your cat?”
Me: I’m not the same person I was when you met me.
Him: we met six seconds ago.
Me: I’m a strong, capable woman who can manage a little road trip by myself
Also me: *scream crying to my GPS* Why are there horses everywhere?! This was supposed to be a highway!
okay, i admit it. you’re wrong.
After he loses, everyone who supported Trump should have to spend a year on an island where he gets to make all the decisions.
If I was on the Titanic I would have told the captain “Do not hit that iceberg,” saving millions in the process
mood
“I’d love to go to the moon” I said “but on a full moon day of course, no point going all that way when only half of it’s there”
My parents ruined my childhood by not moving to a small town with a dark secret that i could uncover with a group of misfits
Welcome to your forties, when you start saying things like “This store isn’t open yet? It’s almost 7am!”
sorry about the last 24 hours California, i brought back a mysterious relic from overseas but i’ve destroyed it now
21st century kid on Santa’s lap-“Yo santa, some more insta followers would be real dope for Christmas. Thanks bruh bruh”
Husband: What is today?
Me: I’m in no mood for your riddles today.
Of course I care about the environment. I spray air freshener every time I leave the restroom don’t I?
Boss: [to coworker] print out that document, and in the meantime-
Me: [from the other end of the office] DID SOMEONE SAY MEAN TIME?!
boss: oh God
Me: [stands up on Barbs desk] your kids are ugly as shit, Barb!
mario, from under the sink: yeah i see the problem, you got living mushrooms and turtles walking around in here. jesus buddy you got multiple castles back here. i’m gonna have to fight a dragon
Me: We start with 20 primary teeth and end up with 32 permanent teeth.
Squirrel: ours never stop growing
Walrus: and growing
Rat: and growing
Elephant: and growing
Groundhog: and growing
[being chased by a murderer] can we slow down i’m not wearing a bra
I’m gonna try this if it ever happens me.
Welcome to Gullible Victim Club.
Lol. I can’t believe you showed up. Now gimme your purse or I’ll stab you.
might be residually stoned but i keep reading “moonfall” as “moo ‘n fall,” which sounds like the cow version of a slip ‘n slide, and god as much as i love disaster movies i’d much rather see cows having fun
Your baby’s got pink eye, bronchitis AND a double ear infection?
Are you even trying to keep him alive?
Me: *returns from bakery with a bap, bagel, bun & cob*
Wife: What are these?
Me: The synonym rolls you asked for.
Wife: CINNAMON.
who called it a toilet and not an IP address
My kid comes into our room every night to sleep and he usually brings a comfort toy with him. Tonight he chose to bring a harmonica. I am losing my mind.
Thank God the conventions are over because now we can get back to the real issues: FOOTBALL.
“I’m going to enter you now,” I announce to an elevator to the bewilderment of everyone who is already inside. A lady clutches her purse.