Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My son said he’d do something in a minute.

So far it’s been 185 days, 16 hours & 11 minutes but who’s counting.

According to HR, I have “a tendency to rub some people the wrong way”, which is disappointing, cuz I was aiming for ALL of ‘em.

ME *puts honey on toast*
SON: Daddy, did you know bees make that?
ME: Yeah of course

[Later]
ME [to date] Did you know bees make toast?

My daughter’s boyfriend left his wallet here. I put girls names & numbers in it. Later today I’ll ask my daughter if he has change for a $20

Not to brag but my family won’t have to argue about all the money I won’t be leaving them when I die.

ok, hypothetically, if I stop to smell the roses, will I have to bend down to smell the roses or are these roses already at nose height

My 12-year-old daughter has been watching Hallmark movies all day and eyeing me with increasing disdain

Making reservations for one at a fancy restaurant because every now and then, I like to be wined and dined before I take advantage of myself

*Usher and Lil John singing from the radio*: “Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah!
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah!”

My 7yo: What’s this song called?

I don’t want the baby mountain goat to die but I don’t want the snow leopard to starve. Why do we even watch these nature shows?

Marsupials have pouches and the good manners to keep children out of sight.

Fun fact: Whenever no one is looking at Mount Rushmore, the presidents’ heads all make out.

Thomas Jefferson’s dad’s name was Thomas Jefferdad. Really makes you think

*arrives in hell*
*Hey Ya starts playing*
haha nice love this song
*song ends*
…
*Hey Ya starts playing*
wait no

Dentist: How often do you floss?
Me: Daily
Dentist: *Pulls fully grown centaur from between my 2nd and 3rd molars*

“So sorry” – Actually sorry

“Sorry about that” – Not really sorry

“Sorry you feel that way” – Not sorry at all

“Sorry, but…” – Apologise to me

I’d rather fork than spoon.

Me: I like your Prince tattoo.
“It’s my mother.”
Me: Your mother is Prince?

me: [preparing to give eulogy] *takes jacket off*

priest: don’t undress the deceased

[300 consecutive hours sitting at the same table]

waiter: [out of breath] and those are our local craft brews

I was pretty nervous doing stand-up in front of a bunch of nudists but then I imagined the crowd in their underwear and it helped so much.

She says talking to me is like talking to a kid.

Therapist: And how many years has this been going on?

*holds up 6 fingers* This many

Is Ham short for Hamuel or Hamantha?

Googles *getting back in shape*

Google: back?

[stepping out of time machine]

me: well i sneezed on a dinosaur but hopefully the butterfly effect wasn’t too severe

giant butterfly in lab coat: you mean the human effect

if u hurt ur leg u can use the frozen veggies at whole foods as ice packs 4 free. hold on im getting an update from the manager. no u cannot

hi why am I like this

drive thru: can I take your order?

me: no I want it

I need a Waze app, but for my walks. Instead of “vehicle on shoulder ahead” it says “person on trail ahead” so I can detour to avoid any human interaction.