Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If they can put a man on the moon they can make a pair of glasses that scream before you sit on them

People keep tagging a random person instead of the incoming British prime minister and she’s rolling with it lol

Doglike cats are some of the sweetest, most adorable creatures on the planet. Catlike dogs emerged directly from a portal to hell

after my son won his soccer game, his teammate invited us over to celebrate. it was father, son, and the goalie host

The History Channel; because where else are you going to learn about how aliens were instrumental in the development of humanity?

I wear workout clothes to get Burger King breakfast so the drive thru lady thinks I worked out first. Dont be afraid to live your best life.

Have you ever accidentally ended a business call with “I love you?” Oh yeah me neither.

i love playing rock paper scissors they never expect me to pull a glock out of my pocket

“Oh, no. No, no, no. Are you kidding me?” -First thing I would say if someone raised me from the dead

aesthetic

We have a big clock on the wall of our living room and now my toddler, who can’t say her L’s very well, loves pointing out other “big clocks” everywhere we go

Just watched a vid about the benefits of couples vacationing together and I’m wondering how I missed the train where couples vacationed separately.

whoever named the meatball absolutely nailed it

i will avenge u mr van gogh

[stabucks]
barista: can i get a name?

me: sure. you look like a Tiffany

barista: no i mean a name for the order

me: oh! we’ll call this “coffee from Tiffany”

Australia is touted as a great model of gun control but no one mentions our unlimited access to boomerangs.

Dog pulled my shorts down, and now there are no secrets between me and the guy who delivers dog food

“Forgive me, I’m a terrible flort”

“Don’t you mean flirt?”

*starts florting*

“OMFG. WTF is that?!”

You guys know your secrets are safe with me. It’s the people I share them with you can’t trust.

Sees friend from highschool. Gives friend a big hug. Refuses to let go of friend. Becomes siamese friends.

ME [explaining Daylight Savings Time]: yeah, you can just do crimes. that entire hour DOES NOT count. legally speaking

They offered me money to promote a product in my Twitter account, but my dignity is strong, as Axion “The true grease stain remover”

My son just said, “Peace on Earth, goodwill to men,” and shot me in the face with a Nerf™️ gun.

I am 5’3. I have a date this week with a man who is 6’4. How many ibuprofen will I need for my neck from having my head permanently tilted up if this goes anywhere?

robber: give me your wallet
me: do your thing patricia
girl im on a date with who’s profile said she enjoys karaoke but I read it as karate: what?

Read that again implies that I read it a first time, which I most certaintly did not.

Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: In a mirror probably unless new technology exists.
[interviewer thinking] holy smokes he’s good

[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the sock puppet at home tomorrow

I don’t trust rain…
Nature giving away free water like a damn hippie, instead of charging $2.99 a bottle like God intended?
Something doesn’t add up and it feels like communism

Me *putting honey on toast*

Son: do you know bees make that?

Me: uh yeah I’m not an idiot

[Later]
Date: tell me something interesting

Me: bees make toast