Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I still won’t want to talk to you after coffee, it’s a beverage not a miracle

A coworker just asked if I had any “mouth water” and I am thoroughly confused by this

If I’m found dead in the bathtub clutching a toaster, check for Pop-Tarts before jumping to conclusions.

Girl: So, how many inches is it?
Pat: How many inches is what?
G: You know..
P: Uhhh, about 200 dollars long.
G: OMG, It’s so big!

I will do some shady shit for a mocha.

Thank goodness I have DoorDash for that!

My inability to pronounce Spanish names makes me sad, and I’m not even Jaoquin.

you’re not really anticapitalist bro i remember that lemonade stand

If you’re asking me to choose sides, I’ll always choose potato salad.

if a cop pulls u over play dead

Useful cooking directions would read: remove package from garbage, read instructions, repeat

[Speed Date]

Me: Hi. Could you show me on this Venn Diagram where alcohol & donuts overlap in your daily life?
Him: I..
Me: Too slow. NEXT!

ME: sit
DOG: [sits]
ME: good boy. roll over
DOG: [rolls over]
ME: good. now speak
DOG: [clears his throat] time is the fire in which we all burn
ME: bad dog. very bad

you have three unread messages

I don’t have a spirit animal. I have a judgemental chicken that’s followed me around my whole life shaking its head disapprovingly.

I peel my underwear off as you watch me & then hand it to you,

Smiling

You know what’s coming next..

It’s your turn to do the laundry

me: if you string several jason statham movies together in a row you’ll discover that they’re just one long commercial for kicking.
the priest giving me communion: have you tried becoming a mormon?

I’ve accidentally set up push notifications for the BBC science magazine and it’s like being followed about by an inquisitive but annoying child

If it takes a village to raise a child, why are my neighbors sipping coffee peacefully on their front porch while I do all the work?

me: thinking about getting into necrophilia

her: over my dead body

me: that’s the spirit

Australia: geologist beaten up by “angriest octopus” on beach

“What? Only 2% Milk? Then what’s the other 98%!?”
[bull walking confidently out of the factory]
Oh you don’t wanna know

Jesus needed to sleep in a cave for 3 days and he didn’t even have kids

[crime scene]

ROOKIE COP: but why would a chicken kill himself?

DETECTIVE: *lowers shades* to get to the other side

*rookie cop vomits*

I saw a spider crawl under my kid’s bed and was too tired to go after it, but that’s okay, no living creature can survive that environment.

I blocked her number when we broke up. But I never stopped waiting for her message ever..!

when steven spielberg was my age he was directing Jaws. meanwhile i am posting stuff like “drunk yoda be like ‘good to drive i am, give me the keys you will'”

Girlfriend: “I’m pregnant”
Me: “Really? Thats great.”
GF: “April Fo–”
*I’m already on a plane to a non extradition country*

it’s not tv, it’s hbo. but here’s the thing, it’s also not hbo

If you ever need to find evidence to prove someone’s guilt or innocence, always check the pudding first.