Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

waiter: any allergies i should know about?

me: uh, peanuts?

waiter: [disappointed] aw i already know that one.

Steps to getting into her pants:
1) Wait for her to fall asleep
2) Take her pants off
3) Put them on yourself
4) Find a top that matches

I’m getting targeted ads about chin fat and I’m offended by the relevance.

“What do your tattoos mean?” They mean I can sit still for a long time

HR: Do you use the visualization exercises from the anger management class?

Me: Yes, I picture a swarm of bees attacking co-workers.

Never mistake my silence for weakness. No one plans a murder out loud.

I see you keep your wallet and cell phone in your bra

Cute

*reaches into bra, pulls out an entire wheel of cheese*

So many great jazz musicians were hardcore drug addicts because they had to put up with listening to so much jazz music all the time.

[first day as a cashier]

*intercom* can I get a price check on…die john mustard.

So a 12 year old told me it’s a good idea to have a bourbon cake. I’ll take no questions at this time.

[creation of kangaroo]

God: give that bouncy dog a fanny pack

Angel: *hands bouncy dog a fanny pack*

God: no no like build it into its stomach hahaha

Angel: again with this shit

It’s so reassuring when your nephew asks for your birth year and then replies with woah, did you go to war?

About 17 years ago my coworker made me a cake for my bday and said that I could “lick the bowl later” and I just realized she may have been flirting with me

My wife said she got a life insurance policy on me in case something tragic happened and I was like wow she thinks my death would be tragic!

Someone wrote that today is like waiting for the results of a biopsy, except half your family hopes it’s cancer.

The dietitian told me peanut butter is healthy if I eat it with something low-calorie, so I chose a spoon.

i’m sorry but why are there new episodes of shark week? shouldn’t the sharks be on strike?

Don’t worry when I get to heaven I’ll put in a good word for you guys

[bank robbery]

Me: *passes teller second note* ok, now I would like to make a deposit

Me: Hmm, food is a splurge. Can’t afford it this week.

*sees a talking Batman cup*

Me: I absolutely need this right now or I’ll die

Honesty is a bit of a red flag for me. Like woah! What are you not trying to hide?!

My 3yo was so excited to go to his first yard sale! He had $1 to spend on a toy and carefully chose a large plastic shark head. I was relieved it wasn’t something messy! When we got home we discovered it was actually a toy carrier and there were THIRTY miniature sharks inside. 😑

I get it dogs, I want to scream F-bombs every time the doorbell rings too.

8 just said we should get her mom “something to do with napping” for christmas “because she likes napping” and I’m not sure I’ll be able to protect her through this

My twins both have hiccups at the same time and I’m over here hoping it’s not the eighth sign of the apocalypse

‘this never happened to me so it probably never happened’

– idiots

This is the coolest video you will see today.

I decided to clean my closet and found a tangled necklace so i spent the next 30min untangling it and then took a well deserved 2hr break

Shazam but for whether someone is mad at you

Extremely relatable.