Look guys if The NY Times wanted to be serious journalism they wouldn’t have pivoted so hard into cooking and games, ok?
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Why did the cup of tea I made you explode in your face?
I used Michael Bay leaves.
I’ll leave.
Nobody invites me to spa day…
Just because I ate the cucumbers off everyone’s eyes and used their face cream as dip ONE time.
I always feel a little guilty when a bum catches me eating food out of the garbage because I want to, not because I need to.
I am eggnogstic as in eggnog is my lord and savior
I hate snakes because they have no feet. You could say I’m…
lacktoes intolerant
*opens another beer*
The 9:50 from Paris has been diverted. Nothing to do with the weather, we just don’t like the French.
i thought lingerie was a type of noodle
Spanish Government: Anything further to report?
Shakira: No.
Shakira’s hips: YES!
When you start taking vitamins to improve your memory but keep
forgetting if you took them today or not!
me: it’s weird there are so many stoners in high school now. the whole time I was in high school, I never even saw a beer, and no one did drugs
my children:
me:
my children: mom, we don’t know how to tell you this, but they did, you were just a nerd and they didn’t tell you
Eating vegetables is how to achieve inner peas.
Last week my husband made a delicious chocolate mousse. Today he confessed that it was made with tofu. I’m doubtful our marriage can survive such deceit.
“Morning guys”
“HOLY SHIT IT’S SUPERMAN!”
– Clark Kent’s first day at work wearing contact lenses
For what I lack in imagination, I more than make up for in something else.
Iron Man’s cat is a Fe lion
sergeant: we drop in at 0800 hours.
me: HOOAH!!!
sergeant: and let me remind you these are highly trained insurgents this will be no picnic.
[places wicker basket back in locker]
me: *tearing up* ʰᵒᵒᵃʰ
Boss: Did you have anything to add?
Me: I totally agree. That’s why I only buy real butter.
Boss: Do… do you think this meeting is about the company’s gross margarine?
Donate one kidney and you’re a hero. Donate a couple more and suddenly you’re a monster
That moment when Exam Invigilator looks at your answer sheet and address whole class
“Students, please make sure that you are reading the questions carefully”
Add mushrooms to any salad for that farm fresh taste of dirt.
I told my son, age 11, to clean his room. He’s 22 now. Will it ever happen?
*Taking my mom to a place she’s never been*
My mom: Are you sure you’re going the right way?
Doctor: i’d like you to step on the scale.
Me: You first, pal.
I spend 60%of my day worrying that I might have mustard on my face or clothing. The other 40% I am eating mustard.
Chipotle server: Quackamole is extra
Me: lol, you said ‘quackamole’
Chipotle server [who is a duck]: Please don’t make fun of my quackcent
gonna make a bumper sticker for my car that says “MY KID IS SMARTER THAN YOU’RE KID” just to troll the grammar nazis behind me
[ first day of 5th grade ]
Teacher: Carly?
Carlie: Here
Teacher: No the other one
Karrlee: I’m Here
Teacher: Not you
Qar’leigh: Me?
Teacher: *chugs spiked coffee*
Sat in the waiting room at the vet and a lady just came walking in and goes “oh f**k, I’ve left the dog at home” 😂😂
21: Falls off second story balcony, laughs it off
51: “I’m no doctor but I’m pretty sure it’s not supposed to hurt when you button your pants”
It all started when I realized that we didn’t call whiskers on rodents “mouse-taches”
THERAPIST *pushes intercom* Deb, cancel my 3 o’clock.