“Look guys! No hands!”
-captain of the Titanic
You Might Also Like
ME: i’m writing a book about lame cars
HER: what’s it called
ME: sorry, no spoilers
Taurus: You have a big life choice to make so watch endless YouTube videos instead of thinking about it.
anytime anyone dunks on me on this app i’m like man :/ i bet if they took the time to get to know me they’d be able to dunk on me even harder and more specifically :///
All I want for Christmas is you.
Buried in my backyard.
Sorry I put black eyeliner on your baby, but honestly, look at how edgy it is now.
please god what the hell did i do to deserve all this *flashback to 12 years ago when i threw a flashbang at my own team in CounterStrike*
I found the cure to obesity, but then I ate it.
Me My dog
to make olympic skateboarding more realistic they should release kids with scooters into the park that the competitors must navigate around
My lighter has two settings:
1: Spark, spark, spark
2: No left eyebrow
Me: We should get a bigger car.
Wife: You’re not thinking we should have another kid, right?
Me: No, I’m just tired of being able to hear the ones we do have when we are driving.
[waits until purge night to illegally download music]
They say children are a gift from god. I’m totally wide-open to regifting.
I like to sleep naked. I don’t understand why airlines have a problem with this.
I’d use my best pan on you.
I used to quickly lick the tip of my pencil when writing my poignant thoughts but now I have to eat three or four pencils just to make a grocery list
ANCHOR: Now over to Mike for the weather.
ME: IT’S REALLY WEATHERY RIGHT NOW, CARL, WITH MORE WEATHER TO COME! THAT’S IT FOR THE WEATHER!
BREAKING NEWS: lost city of atlantis found in detroit pothole
It’s amazing how fast a baby squirrel can run when you’re chasing it through your living room.
My wife and I take turns going to our 11-year-old’s swim meets.
Two weeks in a row, when it was my turn, the meet got canceled.
Now our daughter always wants it to be my turn.
Looks like we all just want to stay home.
The urge to say “yeah you should do that”, especially when you have no clue.
Son: My Jurassic Park game stopped working
Me: So, E reptile dysfunction?
Son:
Me:
Son: Where’s mom?
The shopkeeper in my local store is such a nice guy and he often offers candy for my kids. I’ve resisted so far but if he throws in a quart of vodka too he has himself a deal.
Just had to persuade my child to eat something delicious because children.
I’ve watched this 17,467 times
The word Ohio looks like a tractor
[harry potter at an interview]
interviewer: it says here you found & destroyed seven horcuxes
harry: that’s correct, sir
interviewer: but no experience creating a powerpoint presentation, wow
Thief: Did u see me rob this bank?
Teller: well, yes!*Teller shot in the head*
Thief: DID U SEE ME ROB THIS BANK?
Me: No. But my wife did!
Johnny Depp could lose 250 hands of strip poker in a row and wouldn’t even have all his thumb rings off yet.
Them: ‘It’s a long story.’
Me: ‘How does it end?’