Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Luke, I am your father. Man you should see your face right now. It’s all like waaaaaat no way.

We have also removed your mother’s number from contacts because obviously you’re too busy to call her.

Alligators sewing little pictures of rich white people on their shirts.

i hate workimg at the lightbulb factory!! evrey day i hav to thimk of good ideas so they can harvest the lightbulbs that apear abov my head

Sponch

I don’t get spin classes, you do know they make bikes that move now too?.. and you can ride to somewhere and get a beer or a sandwich… it’s way more rewarding.

My wife working in our garden: How does it look?

Me: Well that’s the last place I ever expected to see throw pillows.

Of course I don’t have any skeletons in my closet

I know how to dissolve bones I’m not an amateur

*puts on workout clothes*

*opens a jumbo size bag of Doritos*

If you excel at something, people love it until they don’t. But you won’t know when that will be until after you take out a mortgage.

[first date]

Him: I love Asian girls

Me: [trying to act all Asian]
*smiles
*starts sweating
*attempts to pick up chopsticks
*fumbles
*chopstick goes flying
*stabs him in the eye

Him: No, not like that

I refuse to care about a royal baby in England while the Burger King remains heirless. Does no one remember the horrors of the Burger Wars

[first day as a detective]

cop: there were no footprints at the crime scene

me: *under breath* birds

My son made the mistake of telling me I was being overdramatic so I just changed the WiFi password.

We’ll see who’s overdramatic in about 2 minutes.

Cain was the first to call out Abelism.

“Ah yes, well, the laws of quantum mechanics” is what I’m going to start saying, very pretentiously, when someone says something I don’t understand.

Yup….perfect score!

I want hashbrown pills.

~the guy who invented Tater tots

When I say that I’m on low battery and can’t talk, rest assured I’m never talking about my phone.

I’ve been a YouTube creator for almost an hour, yet somehow I haven’t been monetized yet?

Top three meanings of “I was just joking”

3. I was just joking.

2. That sounded worse than I thought it would.

1. She looks angry, abort!

“I should probably start filling this thing out.”

-I say about my son’s baby memory book on his wedding day.

I was probably the first choice of the person who texted me, “Wanna go to a concert in 40 minutes?!”

Look, if Jesus had risen from the grave, it should’ve been how to tell us how to get boiled eggs peeled perfectly.

You collect clowns AND porcelain dolls??

Are you sure you don’t want some help filling out your dating profile sir?

Roadtrip thread:

We made it 2.8% of the way to our destination before being asked when we were gonna be there.

I do my part to help the community by honking and being obnoxious when rich couples driving audi 4wds are surveying “charming properties” along the back roads

I’m 43 years old, and 1995 was 4 years ago, but 2003 was somehow 30.

66% of Canadians were unimpressed with “The Revenant”, or as it’s known in Canada, “Pretty Average Day”