“Look guys! No hands!”
-captain of the Titanic
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Weather app: The dew point is 20.
Me, being lazy: The do point is 0.
We need more people like this.
Me: the floor is lava
Pompeii: everything is lava
If robots are so smart, why can’t my roomba beat me at chess?
Checkmate, science.
i thought i was being cool by telling a young barista that her t-shirt had my friend’s band on it, and she said, “oh i really respect the older generation”
*falls down several flights of stairs, breaking multiple bones*
ME: *into headset mic* I’m in
I’m a lot like a 3 legged table: I make dinner very uncomfortable
My can opener broke so now it’s a can’t opener.
me: i feel terrible
my doctor who is also a cat: have you been sprinting around the house at 2am and yelling for no reason?
me: uh, not really
my doctor who is also a cat: [scribbling in my chart] hmm yeah that’s not good
date: what do you do?
me: i’m a filmmaker.
date: oh what’s that like?
me: [shrugs] i inhale a lot of plastic fumes.
The best thing about humans is that many of the richest and most prosperous among us collect bottles of rotten grape juice.
You know what’s worse than someone’s phone alarm playing the tune over and over? Someone else who starts whistling along.
I need some sun. My legs are so white they just drove to Whole Foods in their Prius.
my first real experience with gang violence was the buttercream gang.
I showed my kids Pitch Perfect but now my 7yo is adamantly insisting we form a family acapella group and HOW DO I UNDO THIS????
“u should stop drinking” u should stop talking
Boyfriend is mad at me because he said people are silly to spend $300 on tickets to “Shen Yun: 5,000 Years of Civilization Reborn” and I told him that’s a great deal in terms of years of civilization per dollar
If you want to set up a company and run it then that’s your business.
I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.
If someone catches me staring I quickly look to my left & right so they think “oh that girl’s not looking at ME she’s looking at EVERYTHING”
WIFE: Let’s role-play
ME: OK
W: U be a teacher
*I get up & leave*
W: Where u going?
M: Do u have ANY idea how much paperwork I’ve got to do?
ME: it’s time for bed
*3 ducks excitedly appear at my window*
ME: bed guys, B E D
*3 ducks dejectedly disappear from my window*
If you run out of milk for your coffee just use cheese. Dairy is dairy. Stop making me solve all of your problems
I’ve started picking furniture up off the side of the road, restoring it, and then selling it on Facebook in order to finance my expensive new hobby, which is picking furniture up off the side of the road and then restoring it to sell on Facebook.
An AI comedian? The jokes write themselves.
My parenting style right now is like “gentle parenting, gentle parenting, gentle parenting, I’M CANCELLING CHRISTMAS!!!, gentle parenting, gentle parenting…”
Fecking hate sellotape should go sit in the wrong corner with everything else I hate ….
Has anyone ever had a polite awakening?
“Every action has an equal and opposite reaction.”
– Isaac Newton, observing me on a date
Huh… I wonder if I should tell my friend that his back tattoo doesn’t say what he thinks it says.