“Look guys! No hands!”
-captain of the Titanic
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[at preschool open house hearing nut allergy policy]
*raises hand*
What if I draw a peanut on her napkin?Wife: Please go wait in the car
The company CEO gives a few words of personal appreciation each year at the holiday party.
I got, “Oh, you’re still here?”
As his name is not “Biggest Bird”, we are to understand that Sesame Street is home to at least one, perhaps more, truly immense unseen birds
if one member of the motorcycle gang has to pee do they all stop or does he just have to catch back up?
*first day of umpire school*
Teacher: You seem disappointed, is there something wrong?
Me: *wearing fake fangs* no no it’s fine
Today I nearly met my end!…it was in a yoga class.
My son asked me
“Where does poo come from?”
I was a little uncomfortable but gave him an honest explanation.
He looked a little perplexed, and stared at me in stunned silence for a few seconds and asked, “And Tigger?”
Never have I ever… rushed out of my house pretending I had to be somewhere & drove around neighborhood to get somebody to leave.
I want my tombstone to read:
Don’t feel too bad, he really liked sleeping
Saying you like a lot of meat in your taco is received differently on Twitter than it is on Facebook.
I know that now.
Batgirl: I have a riddle for you, Riddler.
Riddler: Oh?
B: Notice anything different about me?
R:
R: *jumps to his death from 46th-floor window*
How does North Korea only have four medals so far?
We’re the best at everything.
We even fed our athletes this time.
[adoption agency]
Caseworker: Think you’re prepared to be a father?
*I perfectly execute the detachable thumb trick*
CW (taking notes): Excellent.
Reasons to have a landline phone:
1. To find your cell phone when it’s missing
2. See reason #1
You say lasagna. I say spaghetti cake. Because my 3 year old won’t eat lasagna.
At the self checkout I make small talk with myself and I wish I would just shut up
I don’t believe in reincarnation but damn my dog looks like he’s trying to crank over a motorcycle while he’s sleeping.
When you’re on a date that’s not going well, just start talking about genital psoriasis.
You’re welcome.
Boss: And you’re not showing the new people around until you stop referring to the washroom as “where the magic happens”
Wipes away your tears using three precise karate chops.
This pepper has seen some $h1t.
Leonardo DiCaprisun
I want a pet donkey that will kick people I don’t like on the command, “huh, interesting”.
3 fought tooth and nail over not putting on pants under a dress this morning. I explained it was weather appropriate.
3: How about I put them on now and take them off at school?
She’s going to crush high school.
[algebra class]
KID: This is so stupid
TEACHER: You may need it in your job
KID: What job?
TEACHER: …
KID: …
TEACHER: Algebra teacher?
“Did you just elect a pope in there?” he asked as the vape cloud billowed from her car window.
You’re in a work meeting and your boss asks, “Any questions?”
The answer is always, NO.
Wife- Don’t forget the trash.
Me *BATMAN VOICE- I’ll forget whatever I want.
Wife- What did you ju…
Me *Robin voice- I said, yes ma’am.
Me: It’s 2020, you can’t breathe without offending somebody.
Them: HE’S A MOUTH BREATHER!