Look, I can either get over my ex or go on a diet but I can’t do both.
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But I really needed water water water
I think one reason babies cry on planes is because flying sucks & babies aren’t liars like you & me.
[feeding baby]
Wife: here comes the airplane
Me whispering in baby’s ear as he swallows his food: that was a spoon. Her lies don’t end here
If anyone finds a twenty dollar bill, it’s mine.
Me: “if you eat toilet paper, does it save time in the end?
Interviewer: “…”
Me: “Oh you mean questions about the job!”
Cabin crew: Is there a Dr on board?
Me: I am a Dr
Cabin crew: Thank God. We have a question about the 18th century textile trade in Northern Africa
Me: Ah. I’m afraid my PhD is in the ceramics of Northern Europe, 1672 – 1701
😳😳😳☕️☕️☕️☕️🤪🤪
Coronavirus and Animal Crossing is like that one summer with Pokémon GO but like…..opposite.
Life is like a roller coaster: There are ups & downs, you often feel like vomiting, but in the end there are weird pictures of you for sale.
say whatever you want about twitter, at least it’s keeping you people off the streets
My little sister is bringing her black boyfriend to my grandparents’ house for Thanksgiving so I’m bringing popcorn and a comfortable chair.
Identify the lie(s) in my spouse’s statement:
“I just need to make a quick stop on our way out of town”
[opens GPS voice command]
FIND DOGS TO PET
the sky opens up and meteors begin crashing into the earth. dust and debris fly everywhere. “SORRY EVERYONE” this is obviously my fault. of course the apocalypse would happen today. i just had to wear my brand new white pants
We have 25 people coming over tomorrow for a bbq. 6 moms. 6 dads. 13 toddlers under the age of 4. My husband said if I took our girls out today that he’d ‘get the house ready.’ What did he clean in the 2 hours we were gone? The top of the fridge. He cleans the TOP OF THE FRIDGE.
“Just so you know, you’re coming home with me tonight.” I whisper to all the leftover food on the table from our dinner date.
What kind of a cult is this?
Sometimes I will do a very simple self-care thing like putting lotion on my hands before bed and be like “that was so easy, I will do this every day” and then forget that I even have hands for the next 6 years.
sry
Job interview:
“what would you say is your biggest achievement is to date”“I once wore a hat to bed and it was still on in the morning”
Despite popular opinion, you can eat fire. You just can’t eat it twice.
[ocean’s 11 music]
So here’s the plan,we iron me flat, then slide me into an ATM via the card slot. Once inside, it’s a cash playground boys
SOMEONE PARKED IN MY SPOT AT WORK. THAT’S IT. I’M GOING HOME.
The Mayan calendar didn’t end in 2012, they just sold the calendar technology to a billionaire from another continent who promised to make it “better”
Wedlock even sounds like a threat.
Used makeup concealer on a zit with an artistic precision that would rival da Vinci.
My kid is practicing his ninja moves, but he’s doing them right on the front lawn where everyone can see, so he might need more training
[best read with a French accent]
“I am so very sorry sir, without a reservation, there is simply nothing I can do for you.”
Apparently I pack an apple in my 5 year old’s lunch so it can get out of the house for a few hours.
Me: What are you going to be when you grow up?
4: I’m going to be a mom.
Me: That sounds fun!
4: No, it won’t be.