Look, I can either get over my ex or go on a diet but I can’t do both.
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*refills beautiful woman’s wine glass* haha I feel like I’ve been talking about corn dogs–and my love of corn dogs–all night
[interview]
HIM: have u ever bribed anyone?
ME: *pulls a package of OREO’s from briefcase and slides across table* depends on who’s asking
me, sober: ugh, i’m never leaving my house again, people are trash.
me, after 3 beers: *on a megaphone* ATTENTION EVERYONE IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD I WOULD LIKE TO PAY YOUR ELECTRICITY BILL THIS MONTH
NEVER LET THE PUBLIC NAME STUFF.
Therapist: What if you didn’t constantly hammer away at yourself in your head?
Me: Lol I know right
Therapist: For real though
Me: Can you imagine haha
Therapist: No. I am making an actual suggestion
Me: Wait, that’s an option?
son: I don’t think he likes me
wife: your dad just has a hard time showing affection
me: [holding bag of doritos] GOD I LOVE DORITOS
supermarket employee: can I help you find something?
me: oh no…I’m not shopping. I’m just here for the music
“Hi I’m Dave and I’m an alcoholic”
*uncomfortable murmur*
“I’ll be your captain today. Our flight time into Phoenix will be 3 hours and
When bears are around, try to look skinny and they won’t eat you.
If that doesn’t work, kick your buddy in the nuts and RUN!
I saw her biting her bottom lip so I threw her a cupcake. Poor girl must have been starving.
Shift.
I meant SHIFT!
Oh god.
What’s the deal with everyone liking unicorns? They’re horses with dildos on their heads. Dragons, people. DRAGONS.
*Neil Armstrong sets foot on moon:
“NO… BIG… QUOTE… PLANNED… AND… NOTHING… SPRINGS… TO… MIND”Houston: Did you say “That’s one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind”?
…
…
Neil Armstrong: uuuh, yes, yes I did
[First date]
Sarah: I’m a twin.Me: Do you know what each other are thinking?
*meanwhile across town*
Sue: Sarah’s date isn’t going well.
If you watch Jeopardy backwards it’s about 3 idiots who pay a Canadian to answer a bunch of hidden questions.
The eyes are the window to the soul which is why I’m throwing pebbles at your face.
Virgo: Today fortunes will be reversed! You will abduct an alien and none of its friends will believe you.
PROSECUTOR: never? Not once in all the time you have lived at the defendant’s house?
MY CAT: I have never been fed, your honor
*finally detangles ear buds
*plane lands
It’s not that I don’t like the roomba, its just that my expectations were set unreasonably high from watching the Jetsons.
Chinese military tactics are pure genius.
The group of water bottles in my room when I bring in another one
Stockholm Syndrome is a myth, I can confirm after polling all the ungrateful b*****ds I have locked in my basement.
Some of you Game of Thrones nerds clearly never watched Dexter drive a boat into a hurricane with his dead sister on board after leaving his young son in the care of a known serial killer so he could go become a lumberjack… and it shows.
Woman love a men with good grammar
Make there knees week by writing them a love letter or too.
“I got up at 4 am so I could bite my mom and eat a frog and pee on the floor right after I peed outside”
Please stop asking Santa for the perfect woman…….
3 times he’s tried to kidnap me this week
Waiter: Did you save room for dessert?
Me: Not really, I’m stuffed
Waiter: Ok, I’ll bring the check
Me: I’ll have the chocolate cake.
You’re the water to my grease fire.