Look, I can either get over my ex or go on a diet but I can’t do both.
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Every jogger is running towards cake or away from kale.
I’d … I’d rather not.
Guy who doesn’t respect the walkie talkie rules: Ugh, I’m so hungover
Guy who does: rlly 👀? Over
Oh you’re a fan of Oppenheimer? Name three bombs
You can be rough with me – the healthcare is free. #MakeCanadaSexier
put on my eevee cosplay and my mom said i looked like a squirrel and took a picture of me in our yard and posted it in our neighborhood facebook group saying that the squirrels are getting larger this year and that someone needs to contact animal control
I’ve never bitten off more than I can chew, but once I put too much mouthwash in my mouth and couldn’t swish it around.
Home Alone is my favorite movie about how child neglect and bad parenting is hilarious
My girlfriend and I are celebrating our anniversary tonight by breaking up six years ago.
sometimes I feel sad and then sometimes I go get an apple pie and vanilla soft serve from McDonald’s and mush them together so I can be fat and sad
Him: Why are you going in circles???
Me: I’m buffering!!!
The dog seemed okay with living in a Jewish household until we scheduled his circumcision
I have no problem feeding my kid something that fell on the floor, so I get it, restaurant employees.
Remembered my dad suddenly. I had an argument with him – said he saw a Dodo Bird once in the 1970s. I told him that was impossible. He said he saw the fucking thing. Our family thought we were arguing about politics or something. Nope. Dodo Bird. Anyway I believe him now.
Love this young dude soundtracking his Mum’s life with his trombone.
[Jeopardy]
Me: I’ll take common phrases for $200.
Alex Trebek: this comes before the fall.
Me: [buzz] what is summer.
Alex Trebek: sorry, the answer is pride.
Me: no Alex, I’m pretty sure it’s summer.
Nearly choked on a carrot and a donut would never do that to me.
they’re called hooves, dummy🙄
[last supper]
“Wine!” exclaims Jesus touching everyone’s water glasses. “Wine, wine, wine [arrives at Judas] Mountain Dew lol.”
I love you just the way you are.
Though I do have a few suggestions.
Interviewer: why do u want to work here
me: revenge
The Hallmark channel. Where else can you watch a two hour movie and not recognize a single actor?
HOW COME YOU NEVER HEAR THUNDER AROUND LIGHTNING BUGS?
Not only do I turn down my radio to find a house or a parking spot, but I also take off my sunglasses to hear someone better.
I started off my new fitness regime this morning with a run. It isn’t the only mistake I’ve made this week, but it’s certainly the biggest.
On the other hand however, hospital food’s much tastier than I expected.
Toilet won’t stop throwing up. I didn’t know it was Legos intolerant. SEND HELP THIS IS NOT A DRILL
[scrolling netflix]
Me: definitely not a movie, that’s too much time
Also me: *watches 5 episodes of Better Call Saul*
I’ve got a mind like a computer. Not like as “in quick information processing,”…. but like as in goes to sleep after 5 min of inactivity.
Hate it when I put on active wear and nothing happens.
Our descendants will have smart toilets that will alert them to internal illnesses and trends in their diets just from their daily constitutional. I’m so glad I’ll be dead by then.