Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: I want a tattoo

tattoo artist: where?

me: how about over there on that chair

tattoo artist: no, where on your body?

me: on my skin, dude

tattoo artist: this is not funny

I see Paris, I see France, I got a great new pair of binoculars from an overpriced sporting goods store today

*opens front door to see Christmas carolers singing

Please, I have a family

*Lysol kills 99.9% of germs on my counter*

LYSOL: “Hey .1% germs…

( -_-)>⌐■-■

(⌐■_■)

Tell your friends”

Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I didn’t notice a new piece of furniture for two months.

[classroom]
Nietzsche: whoever fights monsters should see to it that he does not become a monster. Any questions?

Me: [googling how to fight a dragon] I have a few

Actually, until you cut into it it’s chocolate *magma* cake. If you could just bring me a menu with the proper nomenclature that’d be great.

The first time I tried to repair one of my kids toys, I thought it was important that they stand back a bit, and verily, I say unto you, it was from there that they watched me superglue the skylander to my hand.

Notice how ghosts never wear fitted sheets?

If you want to keep a secret from me, write it down and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.

Sometimes after a long hard day at work, it takes me 4 bars to get home

*rubs lamp/genie appears*

*makes me listen to ads before each wish*

I don’t need a home security system for my safety because as soon as someone breaks in and hears me moaning in the hallway from falling out of the bed, they’ll just turn around a leave.

*holds Snickers under bathroom stall*

Does this smell funny?

To level the playing field, online dating sites should require using the picture in your driver’s license.

Showerhead Self-Conscious About Single Jet That Sprays Sideways #OurAnnualYear2019

Just heard local reports of a stalker, which is funny because I watch everyone through their windows and none of them look suspicious

me and who

teacher: where is your assignment?

me: my dog ate it-

[i see my dog standing outside the classroom window. he draws a line across his throat]

me: i mean there was a fire. a homework fire.

[interview]
BOSS: So you have zero experience?
ME: Hire me & I’ll give u a sweet nickname
B: That’s absurd..
ME: Lazerwolf
B: Welcome aboard

I made HUGE surprise plans for my wife’s birthday tonight–dinner, dancing, champagne, the works–but the babysitter just cancelled & now we can’t do anything!

Did that sound believable to you guys? If you were my wife would you suspect, hypothetically, that I didn’t make plans?

no april fools jokes for us as we are in the middle of a pandemic. having said that, goofy has died.

My goal whenever I open my car door is to have a bike rider crash into it and hope that they are escaping from a crime scene.

I keep seeing studies finding fecal matter on things. Anyone considered that perhaps it’s the scientists that aren’t washing their hands?

You know how people play video games by pushing all the buttons at once?

That’s how I’m handling adulthood.

I thought I might be pregnant.

It turns out I’m just three months fat.

“Hey, watch your mouth!” I yell at the woman in this park that’s just letting her pet mouth run around all willy nilly.

Just vacuumed for the first time in a really long time and apparently I have hardwood floors?

My ex sexually identifies with Ramen noodles, he’s done in 3 minutes