Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

excited for next month when the “hide likes” feature breaks for 11 hours and dozens of politicians have to navigate public apologies / divorces

1.25pm: Do you love me more than football?

4.25pm: Yes, of course.

There are two types of people in this world. Those who make fun of Wordle. And those who can solve a Wordle.

Stop hating yourself for everything. Be specific

date catches me googling “how to hamburger” when she asks if i can cook

Someone rang my doorbell twice this morning, so I guess I’m having lunch behind the couch.

[45 minutes into Charlie and the Chocolate Factory]

7 year old: how does he still have a job?

Me, looking at Met Gala outfits: But how do they go to the bathroom in that?

my girl’s so sweet she always texts me Disney lyrics when she’s away with our mates like “you’ve got a friend in me”

The First Rule of Menopause Club:

We don’t talk PERIOD.

I think the problem is that I’m 20% stud and 80% muffin.

God: Don’t eat that Apple. You can smoke this plant I made instead

[20 min later]
Adam: Sooo hungry
Eve: Me too
Adam: That apple looks good

BOSS: You’re late again today

ME {still using the Mayan calendar}: We’re lucky to even be here you know

Brain: Great workout, here’s some endorphins

Me: Oh nice, I’ll feel good for-

Anxiety: It took you a full minute to figure out the treadmill buttons and I bet people noticed

Me: … that long

Life coach: don’t sweat the small stuff

Me: you mean like microscopic germs

Life coach: no you should probably worry about those

Me: choking hazards

Life coach: that’s not-

Me: killer bees

Life coach: *drinks from hip flask*

Me: I think I broke my arm. Take me to the hospital.
That one friend: I’ll make you a tincture with frankincense & eucalyptus. Then grind some Spanish moss and nettles in my mortar and pestle. You’ll be right as rain.

Why yes, I do live under a rock. It’s called the moon.

BREAKING NEWS: North Korea may test a missil on April 10. They just need to find a gigantic bottle of Coke and a huge Mento.

My parents think im a virgin. My boss thinks Im an excellent employee. The government thinks Im an outstanding citizen. Where’s my Oscar?

you ever try to cook with friends who swear up and down they don’t know how to cook from scratch? you kind of laugh it off at first (just follow the recipe how hard could it be) and then you realize they don’t know how to chop a tomato

Cops have a new radar that lets them see through walls into our homes but imagine if this technology fell into the wrong hands! Oh wait…

Midwest trash talk

Me: *high af* omg is this an intervention

Wife: no it’s your birthday

In addition to the usual teeth cleaning pain, my wonderful dental hygienist heard “Runaway Train” come on and said “oh I haven’t heard the Goo Goo Dolls in years” and it was like 5 excruciating minutes before I could sputter “Soul Asylum”

Why the hell would I use turn signals? I know where we’re going.

If you do not brick up your chimney this year to keep Santa out, you’re not taking this virus very seriously.

Noam Chomsky is a crazy name like you sound hungry as f***

Every week, my parents invite me over for a Sunday roast. Then, after that, we all enjoy a meal together.

I don’t mean to brag, but I’ve received a lot of emails that find me well.