Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[taking baby’s shoes off & examining the soles]
“Oh look, completely clean. It’s almost as if you were carried everywhere.”

People in glass houses can throw whatever they want. They live in a glass house, I’m not expecting them to be practical

Son: Teach me to fight

Me: You don’t fight with these *makes fists* You fight with this *points to head*

[later]

Principal: Your son’s been head butting kids on the playground

Me: *nods sagely* Just as I taught him

Benjamin Button
Started off dead
Violets are blue
Roses are red

Went to HR to complain about my coworkers but my mom said she can’t fire my kids

Me: I’ve had a long day. Make it a double.

Nurse administering the Covid shot: What?

me at a restaurant

waiter: here’s ur cup 🙂
me: oh thank you
waiter: *puts down cup*
me: thank you
waiter: *fills cup up with water*
me: thank you
waiter: i’ll be back soon with your food
me: thank you

Kid: Where do babies come from?

Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.

Kid: Have you seen my harmonica?

Me: So when a man and a woman…

I get it, crocs and socks are not sexy at all, but I wasn’t getting laid in tennis shoes either and this is ridiculously comfortable.

you could tell me any fact about how dangerous animals are in australia and I’d believe you. they got vampire bees? of course they do. dogs don’t need a permit to carry a gun? I won’t even google it.

I don’t have a favorite vampire. If you ask me, they all suck.

We all suspected Tide Pods were a gateway detergent. Sure, they seem innocent, but the next thing you know, you’re mainlining Lysol.

[to the murderer hiding in the backseat of my car]
neither this car nor this murder will go anywhere until you put your seatbelt on, mister

Welcome to your 40s, you now don’t understand a single word anyone under 25 is saying

I absolutely hate being woken from a nap. There were other treadmills in the gym that dude could have used.

[aircraft carrier]

*paints a T on the helipad*

Captain: No it has to have an H

Me: Why?

*train sounds approaching*

Captain: Oh dear god

The Willy Wonka grandparents were connected under the covers, like a rat king.

Fan girl on the devil when you arrive in hell by telling him you’re a huge fan of his food cake

Sorry, Ghostbusters.

At best, I might email or text you.

My son has been awake for 3 hours and he’s been talking for 4 of them.

Overheard my daughter’s friend on FaceTime telling her Dad to please stop singing because he’s embarrassing her so obviously I did what any Dad would do and finished the chorus for him.

My favorite new hobby is putting on an orange apron and giving people horrible and incorrect construction advice at Home Depot

My kid convinced my husband to get her trail mix without the nuts and the dried fruit, so I confiscated the bag of m&ms and ate them myself

*Girl opens Xmas present*
“Why’d you get me carrots and lettuce?”
“Wait but that means-”
*Hamster at home wearing glorious diamond earrings*

The cat just yelled at the Roomba for making him get up and, as the father of two young kids, I’ve never felt closer to that feline.

My toddler found a roll of quarters and is throwing money everywhere. Is she Scrooge Mcduck? Am I rich?

I think they’ve made more Kung-Fu Panda movies in the last 20 years than they’ve made actual pandas

my son bet me that he could make a piece of paper fly farther than i could so he spent 10 minutes making the fanciest paper airplane i’ve ever seen. the look on his face when i crumpled mine into a ball and launched it across the house was priceless. sucks to be a loser lmao

wife: Can we get a kids menu?
waitress *brings one*
wife
me
wife
me [already doing the maze]
wife: Can we get 2 kids menus?