Look, I can still fit into my clothes from 10 years ago.
*pants split*
*buttons pop off*
*shirt seams tear*
Too bad the workmanship is so shoddy.
You Might Also Like
Sometimes a walk down memory lane is more of a blind, panicked sprint complete with windmill arms.
I question the people that blow their nose in a tissue and then look to see what comes out.
Were they really expecting gold or something?
If they’re going to advertise “Shots available now!” they really should specify if it’s needle or drinky.
Oh good, a gift card to Arby’s.
*waits for their birthday*
Them: Thanks Aimee for the…
*opens box*
(cat hair pasted to paper & framed)
Duck typos.
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: I’M RIPE NOW
Avocado: okay you were in the bathroom so I rotted
Dog: I will do anything for you
Human: drop the ball
Dog: nope
Me buying fruit and veg
My husband just called to ask me what aisle something is in because he won’t ask for directions in a grocery store either.
Yoga Instructor: and finally we move into downward-facing dog.
Me: you forgot updog.
Yoga Instructor: what’s up-
Wife: -NOOOO!
fred flintstone: I’ve got a problem with my car
podiatrist: let’s take a look
Does racism still exist? Let’s go to this panel of white people to find out.
“I see you’ve been eating whatever you want and not exercising.” -Clothes
Let’s bring back the word HOOTENANNY
I enjoy long woks to the Chinese place up the street.
Who comes up with this kinda stuff
Skrillex! It’s your cousin Marvin. Marvin Skrillex! Know that sound you’ve been looking for? I think I found it! *holds phone up to blender*
American Horror Story:
Walmart Bathroom
Those 11 British actors I watch on every single show must be so tired.
well well well if it isn’t my neighbor thinking he can sit on a porch better than me
Inkling sounds like a baby octopus
I keep having this dream that I’m being carried off by a giant squirrel. Does that make me nuts?
Hey boy, are you the tasks written on my whiteboard? Because I don’t plan on doing you
*Woman throws a drink in my face but I swallow it all perfectly*
I don’t know why I would want to “Keep Up” with them…
I don’t even know where Kardashia is.
(geography’s not my strong suit)
Apparently when a potential employer asks you “where do you see yourself in five years?”, “I’m hoping to have found Bigfoot by then” isn’t the answer they’re looking for.
Adoption Agency: it takes a village to raise a child
Hamlet: feels discriminatory but ok
Not to brag but my wife bought toothpaste because she thought it was almost empty and I squeezed out paste for two more months.
uber driver heard me singing along and changed the station…