Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

they told me to make myself at home so i moved their silverware to the more logical drawer

throwing someone under the bus sounds hard, let’s just sell ’em down the river and call it a day.

Teacher: Can anyone give me an example of guilty by association?

The Horse I rode in on: *Raises Hoof*

I hired a roofer…

but then he came down with the shingles

Sure stepping on a Lego is painful, but have you ever twisted your ankle tripping over a cold and shamed Natalie Imbruglia lying naked on the floor?

When you were a kid, you said “But I’m not tired!” at some point, and you had no idea that it was the last time you’d ever utter that phrase.

I’m not an idiot, I’m an optimist which is kinda the same but like, waaaaay worse.

One normal thing I like to do on my my lunch breaks is go on Zillow with my 20 million dollar budget and my f***ing delusions

When buying presents I like to think, what would Jesus have got you?

So yeh, enjoy your fish sandwich.

Last Christmas, I gave you my heart, the very next day you told me you’re gay….

🤣

When attempting to make a good first impression imagine how important good grammar is. Wrong. Importanter.

Blackberry users thought of making a joke abt the Apple-Samsung battle, but before they cud tweet thr phone hanged n battery drained out

I broke up with my boyfriend last night because his wife snores too loud.

me: but “greetings” is a greeting

jimmy kimmel: do you honestly not understand that we can’t just say “conversations” back and forth for ten minutes

Me: I had a dream I cut the grass.

Husband: How short?

Me:

Husband: HOW SHORT?!

There’s no bigger backstabber than my dog giving me away during hide and seek.

I TRUSTED YOU, FENTON, I TRUSTED YOU!

sistine chapel

A date sounds nice but you’ll need to bring a friend for my parole officer.

Wolverine: [sharpening his claws] so what’s your super power?

Me: I am good at rearranging letters to form new words

Wine lover: [taking a sip of merlot] I’ll drink to that

I did not “try to rob a bank,” I just “aspired” to obtain more money.

Tammy is short for Tamuel

If a picture is worth a thousand words then why does everyone only buy Playboy magazine for the articles?

If I were rich, I’d buy stuff I wouldn’t even use. Like helicopters or soap.

I load up my Volkswagen Beetle just like anyone else: one clown at a time.

Your pancakes will never taste as good as the ones your mother made because those pancakes had a secret ingredient, which is that you were six years old.

how do i become less stubborn? i’m willing to try nothing

Following the leaking of nude photo’s of Kim Kardashian, her personal assistant has been sacked for the delay.