Look, I didn’t mean to upset your grandma.
All I said the best place to be in a human centipede is in the front.
You Might Also Like
Robber: This is a stick up
Me: *clears throat* I’ll stick up for Larry. Pat called him an idiot earlier and although it’s true, it was mean
Ordered a takeaway and the driver forgot my milkshake, I asked for a refund on the delivery app and it’s asking for a picture of the missing milkshake… I-
What sort of drug abuse and debauchery has to occur in someone’s life for them to start liking Charmin Toilet Paper on Facebook?
gotta say, i love living by the sword. i hope there are no consequences from this regarding how i ultimately die
Welcome to your 40s. Your expensive designer shoes are prescription.
My favorite part of going on vacation is cleaning the entire house first so that my best friend that’s watching my cats doesn’t see how much of a slob she already knows I am.
Her: Your house has a lot of cool stuff in it… Who plays the piano?
Me: Pretty much anybody who is trying to get on somebody’s nerves.
Always take one positive friend & one negative friend on road trips. Then if your battery dies, you can hook cables to them & start your car
Mirror: If you break me, it’s 7yrs bad luck.
Condom: LOL
it’s only anxiety if it comes from the anxious region of the brain otherwise it’s just sparkling nervousness
so dumb when forks have less than four pokey things. who do u think u are. a threek? ha
I know you all think *I’m* the chaotic one in my family, but a baboon troop just broke into my sister’s house and stole two jars of peanut butter and her husband chased them off with a baseball bat, an event she relayed by dropping a video with no explanation in the group chat
This guy at my work is giving his wife a gym membership for Christmas.
His name was John.
How do you tell the gender of an ant?
Put it in water.
If it sinks, girl ant.
If it floats…
Someone accused me of being a coke addict and I was like oh my gosh thank you for thinking I have money
What they’re actually saying is “I can’t even [finish this sentence due to the complexities of being a white girl on the existential level]”
I don’t care if you’re black or white… old or young… rich or poor… male or female… there comes a moment in everyone’s life when you raise your glass and realize… the damn coaster is still stuck to it…
if money doesn’t grow on trees please explain the price of avocados
“hottie with a body” implies the existence of “hottie without a body”……how do i become HER
I successfully hid chocolate chip cookies from my children, making today’s parenting score:
Kids: 43,290
Mom: 1
There once was a man on zoom
Whose stomach had started to fume
He really had to toot
Forgot to hit mute
A problem when your living room is also the conference room
I told my 3-year-old the beans in her taco were chocolate jelly beans and she took 3 whole bites before she decided to never trust me again.
“Ostriches can’t fly” said the totally racist stewardess who made me dismount my ostrich & board the plane on foot like a lowly commoner
The American flags on the moon have been bleached white from 44 years of solar radiation. If aliens ever attack, we’ve already surrendered.
People always tell you that you’ll blink and your kids will grow up suddenly
How many times do I have to blink before they let me pee alone?
So to fix my shitty attention span I just need to read your list of ten different 400 page books on concentration…
*keeps applying antiperspirant until he can remember doing both armpits*
Since when is a sweater vest not business casual?
Work is telling me I can’t wear them anymore unless I have a shirt underneath.