Look, I didn’t mean to upset your grandma.
All I said the best place to be in a human centipede is in the front.
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[standing at urinal]
me: *shakes*
guy next to me: stop that
me: *shakes*
guy next to me: i said stop that
me: *shakes*
guy next to me: KNOCK IT OFF
me: *puts down tambourine*
I am HOWLING at this
My boyfriend woke up this morning with a huge smile on his face. I love sharpies
I was the only one wearing a mask in the supermarket this morning, so I made everyone empty their pockets.
Mario: I killed all your turtle troops.Bowser: Turtle what?Mario: All the turtles that work for you.Bowser: What turtles?Mario: Uh oh…
*gestures to my unmown yard*
“I’m choosing to let my yard grow wild, to help the pollinators.”
*waves at a stack of dirty dishes*
“This, too, is for the pollinators.”
*trips over a pile of dirty laundry”
“Pollinators.”
Boss: You’re
Me: Doing great?
B: No, I’m letting you
M: Have the corner office?
B: go.
M: Why?
B: Constantly completing my sentences wrong.
My husband just left town for a work trip. I didn’t want him to miss out on anything so I made him a mixtape of the kids whining.
Melted butter is an essential oil, right?…..right??
I have literally never asked anyone where was the library in Spanish. What other lies did I learn in school?
Just show up everyday and be consistent.
Toddlers make it easy to do that especially when they come to your room and just show up in your face, silently, at 3 am staring at you.
I’m hungry what’s for dinner I ask but there’s no one home except for the dog and he isn’t cooking so kibble and doggy biscuits it is.
“on your left u see fred in camo, on your right is bertha, she has ridden many miles on that electric cart.” If walmart had tour guides.
One minute she’s saying “put yourself in my shoes” and the next it’s all “well you’ve gone and ruined them now, you idiot”
I don’t mean to brag but I’m pretty lonely for a girl with an extensive action figure collection AND a fear of rocking chairs.
People think I’m a good listener but I’m really just solid at nodding
Nothing is more important to me than my family. They’re the only ones who get my references.
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of relaxing during weeknights we can go to seven practices and relearn algebra.
When another writer is telling you about their latest script deal.
Whenever I get up my cat gets up too and then yells at me like it’s my fault she decided we have to do this together
How did they call Deadpool’s dog ‘Dogpool’ when ‘Deadpoodle’ was right there.
Daughter asked who the princess of France was. When told there wasn’t one her eyes widened and she quietly asked if she could do it
NAZI: Some of us Nazis got hurt too
ME: Thoughts and bears
NAZI: Don’t you mean “thoughts and pra–
ME *releasing grizzly bear*: Nope
If dogs can eat raw chicken, so can I.
– dead people
Robber: If you ever want to see your family again do exactly as I say. Now hand me that bag!
Me: *sets bag on fire*
Someone gave me a gift and I just found it on a Gifts for Grandma list. This hurts.
You shouldn’t underestimate the number of places that you can’t put your finger after you’ve been chopping chillies.
Finding $5 you didn’t know you had is awesome til you realize you’re 34, it’s 2011 & $5 won’t even buy enough gas to drive you off a cliff.
No chill.
My husband just asked the neighbor where he can get a grill like his for our toddler to practice on and now I know how dad’s feud