Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

MOCKINGBIRD: Blah blah blah! Harper Lee is an idiot!
HARPER LEE: I just had a great idea for a book.

Quitting my job to pursue my true passion: not working

Daughter (5): “Daddy your tummy is big and bouncy just like our trampoline”
Me: “Well you’re short and can’t spell chrysanthemum”

I miss the days where someone would tell us shit like “Mick Jagger is Kesha’s dad” and we’d all just believe it for months because it didn’t matter if it was true or not

Realized I never said “unquote” after reciting a famous poem in 10th grade. Sorry if you thought everything I’ve said since is Shakespeare

My teen being nice to me is getting really expensive.

“Oh Shit, Was That Today?” an autobiography

I never understood why chefs wear white.

I go in the kitchen to get a glass of water and come back with five stains on my shirt.

Dear student loan, thank you for saving my life. I can’t think how I can ever repay you.

Someone praising you is also someone being judgmental. The difference is that you like the verdict this time.

Driver: My God… that weasel…
Onlooker: He just went… “pop”…
Weasel’s family: *sobbing*
Ice-cream man: I’ve got an idea for a song y’all.

Me *naked, singing into a shower head*

Karaoke manager: uh, we have a mic

Jewish friend asked me a very funny legal question: “Can you break your Ramadan fast during the eclipse since technically it gets dark?” I had to hand it to him, I didn’t think of that 😂😎🌞🌆

the average person eats three spiders a year, but as you’re about to find out, it takes an entire year for three spiders to eat a person

My boss: So… [dramatic pause]

Me, uncomfortable with silence: …a needle pulling thread?

it’s only anxiety if it comes from the anxious region of the brain otherwise it’s just sparkling nervousness

I’m smoking about a pack of Canadian Wildfires a day

The DoorDasher placed our drinks against the door, essentially trapping us in our home.

Me: Are you still wearing pajamas? Go change.
4yo: *Goes upstairs
*Comes down wearing different pair of pajamas

DAVID AYER: I wanna make a buddy cop movie

THEM: ok

DA: Will Smith is one of the cops

THEM: k

DA: The other cop is a shy, magical orc

THEM: no that’s crazy

EVERYONE AT NETFLIX: Hold my appletini

#BRIGHTMovie

Autocorrect changed “bible” to “bourbon” and that should tell you everything you need to know about me

INTERVIEWER: when u read a good book, wat kind of things do u pictur in ur head
ME: [pausimg for a split second too long] words

Sometimes I spend so much time on Twitter in the bathroom that I actually pee twice.

Honestly, the food pyramid seems pretty well balanced no matter what food goes on top.

I think one of the toughest parts about growing up is realizing that you don’t sweat blue if you drink blue Gatorade.

[after lover’s spat]
ME: Honey. Lamb chop. Sweetie cakes.
HER: You’re just naming foods.
ME: Pumpkin. Muffin.
HER: …
ME: Zucchini bread.

Trust my gut? The thing that tricks me into buying gas station sushi and roller dogs? No thanks.

I find that pregnant women stop asking me about my birthing story when I start describing the scene out of Alien

I went to the Army Surplus store and they didn’t have a single extra soldier for sale. Come on. False advertising much? Old Navy can take a flying leap too.