Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me to 8: Please stop growing bigger

8: YOU stop growing bigger

And just like that, a sweet moment was ruined

My friend got a job at the dry cleaners but he got stressed out because he always mixed up the orders and kept upsetting the customers.

So the boss sent him to do a course in hanger management.

I’m going to be an “adult” film star. You’ll pay $12 to watch me struggle to pay bills, cry uncontrollably, and lie awake in bed at night.

My cat caught me watching cat videos on the Internet so we now have a shared Twitter and Facebook account.

theres been a horrible success at the accident factory

Boyfriend is mad at me because he said people are silly to spend $300 on tickets to “Shen Yun: 5,000 Years of Civilization Reborn” and I told him that’s a great deal in terms of years of civilization per dollar

inventor of the bow and arrow:
I will now demonstrate my exciting new technique for pointing at someone who is very very far away-OH NO

the best thing to throw at your spouse when you’re having a fight is a croissant cuz he’ll try to catch it in his mouth but it comes back to you like a boomerang & that’s just a delicious way to end a marriage . you’re welcome .

“Have you seen my thumb ring?”

~ my proctologist

“Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?”

No sun.

Girl, is your name “Schedule” ?
Because I’m always running behind ya.

I think I was a horrible mom, bc when my kids refused to put on their shoes before school, they just went without shoes. I also might have laughed when I watched them get escorted to the office… while I stood there with a bag of shoes.

That pile of clothes on my bed, seems to have strange powers and gets higher on its own

Me: Wow, I would pay to see that.

Theatre Ticket Office: Yes Sir, that’s the general idea.

* Guy at board meeting pitching the idea for a Roomba
You ever notice how sometimes you’re too drunk to vacuum ?

Having kids has made me a better person, because I now have a constant example of how jerks behave.

“I took care of your clown problem.”

Sucks in stomach. Another chin pops out.

Me: My dad must be rolling in his grave right now.

Friend: Why, do you think he’d be disappointed in you?

Me: No. I had him buried in a cement mixer. It was way cheaper than a casket.

I remember when I could put my shoes on standing up and had that one legged balancing act perfected. It was one Saturday back in 1994, but I remember it.

if humidity has a million haters, i am one of them. if humidity has 100 haters l, i am one of them. if humidity has 10 haters, i am one of them. if humidity has 1 hater, i am that hater.

My neighbor just pulled into his driveway with a new washer and dryer and now he’s headed this way …. So this gives me about 4 seconds to dislocate my shoulder.

Stages of drunk:

– I’m not drunk.

– I’m still not drunk.

– Who’s trunk am I in?

*waits until you fall asleep*

*tests out his new retractable air horn*

the ability to go around and chit chat with anyone at work is a skill, i’m considered to be a local yap star

Never trust someone who acts as if nothing happened when you meet them right after you had an amazing dream about them.

centaur: *falls down* I broke my arm

doctor: it’s okay I can fix it

centaur: agh I broke my leg too

doctor: *cocks rifle*

I like my coffee like my men…not in my colon…

Kind of rude you didn’t wake me up before you went went.