At what point do they stop replacing the wobbly wheels and just send the shopping cart off to live on the farm?
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Everyone loves a picture of a good rack.
Everyone stop over reacting!
There was no Earthquake….
I slipped in the shower, these things happen…
I have no tolerance for people who refuse to give different voices to characters in a book they’re reading to their kid.
any boring old meeting can become a seance if everyone works together
I have precisely ZERO idea what people are doing when they inspect inside their egg boxes at the supermarket. But for 20 odd years I’ve dutifully opened the box, nodded appreciatively, and then put my eggs in the trolley without the faintest idea what the hell I’m doing or why.
Other parents don’t want to be friends with us once they find out our child folds his own laundry and doesn’t need braces.
Sex so good, my left hand is making my right hand a sandwich.
It’s all fun and games until you realize you’re the girl at work known as “how is she still employed.”
“Dad what IS the moon?”
It is cheese. Delicious cheese. Thats why rats come out at nite, to look at it. We must never let rats on the moon.
Whoa, whoa whoa…
I only lick people on the street when I need them to get out of my way.
Just got a Life Alert bracelet. Now, if I get a life, I’ll immediately be alerted…
AC changed “self-love” to “seldom love.” So my phone and I are now in couples therapy.
Learning how to square dance in grade school helped prepare me for all the square dance battles you get into as an adult
[inventing eggnog]
Exec: Gag them, but festively.
My dogs bowl has DOG written on it so my kids don’t eat it
Me: WHAT?! HOW?! WHY?!
My cat, after getting into the back of my closet, discovering a fishing pole & spare spool of line & then unraveling & tangling most of the line ALL over my bedroom: You’re so dramatic.
Welcome to your 40s: you’re not exhausted that’s just your face now.
When your computer’s memory runs out that’s ramnesia
Historian : Rome wasn’t built in a day.
Me : [Trying to impress the girls] He’s right, you know, it was built in Italy.
[gathers around casket and see’s it’s full of gatorade] uh oh, then that means
[grandma’s body is being dumped over the winning coach]
“Some people put a ton of research into their fantasy football team but I don’t get crazy with it” -my bf using two monitors with 3 spreadsheets and 10 tabs open
My pantry includes 12 different open bags of potato chips and 7 open boxes of Fruity Pebbles and 200,000 Walmart plastic bags.
When life gives you lemons, give the lemons back. Why were the lemons free? Is something wrong with the lemons? Are the lemons haunted? Be suspicious of the lemons.
Writing cuss words on the white space of textbook pages is marginally offensive.
St Peter: welcome to the afterlife
me: damn… there’s more?
The worst thing about marriage is how it makes you start snoring. I never snored when I was single…
Just bought a new umbrella for the person that finds it tomorrow.
Just got glasses for the first time in 20 years and holy shit everyone looks terrible
Waitress: ‘Do u have any questions about the menu?’
Me: ‘What kind of font is this?’
This EpiPen doesn’t write for shit. I’m not sure why this guy that handed me it needs it. He’s just flailing around grabbing his neck.