Look, I just feel like I shouldn’t have to bend over backward to get an exorcism.
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Had a nightmare I’d gone blond and woke up with yellow hair. Turns out if you dye in your dreams…
9-year old: Dad smell this. You licked a puss.
Me: [mutes TV] what
9-year old: it’s so good. Smell it. You licked a puss.
Me: …
9-year old: [hands me a candle jar]
Me. It’s *eucalyptus*
Gets pulled over:
” it’s because I can’t see isn’t it?!”
Never play hide-and-seek with a 4yo in the mall. I know that now.
Apparently in my absence my husband has hung cat-level wall art. So sophisticated 🧐
If Home Depot doesn’t want me doing body rolls in the lumber aisle then they shouldn’t be playing Gloria Estefan.
Me: I want to be like Hemingway.
Friend: a writer?
Me: no. An alcoholic.
*drops exactly one thinly-sliced piece of ham in each child’s Halloween bag*
went to this place once that claims it’s a brewery that doesn’t brew any of the beer it serves and the bartender was like “yep we are the first of our kind” & i didn’t have the heart to tell him that he opened up a bar, that’s a bar, bro
It’s only August and I’m already tired of watering my plants. Makes me wonder how my daughter has lasted 18 years.
ME: it’s spelled “kevin” but pronounced “kev-a-vin”
INTERVIEWER: you’re fired
ME: you haven’t even hired me yet
INTERVIEWER: you’re fired
Parenthood is so weird. I don’t know why I say thank you to my 3yo every time she gives me her booger.
If you’re a doctor, don’t look up from my lab results and just say, “Six months,” when you mean, “COME BACK in six months.”
HER: what’s with all the finger pointing
ME [sharpening my other pinky]: tradition
[husband and wife decide to try swinging]
Wife: I never should’ve agreed to this, it’s only fun for you
Husband: PUSH ME HIGHER! WEEEEE!
Genetics are weird. Like only 1 of the kids got my hair color but all of them got my husband’s inability to fully close a drawer.
Curious, how many years do you keep a mismatched sock before you can get rid of it? Is it like taxes? 7years?
*Tries to warm up car*
Car: I have a boyfriend
DOCTOR: “You sit down too much.”
ME: “I understand.”
DOCTOR: “Exactly.”
Me: *holding a baby* How do you reboot this thing?
Me: *walks to counter* One large fry.
Cashier: Sir, there’s a line.
Me: Oh, they’re not with me.
when i see someone at the grocery store buying a super common item like mayo i like to walk by and in passing say “oh that stuff is really good i highly recommend it”
[on Ferris wheel]
ME: This is going great.
MY DATE: This is so weird.
UBER DRIVER: Let’s get cotton candy next.
Last night I read that it takes people an average of 7 minutes to fall asleep. And then I laid awake the entire night thinking about that.
DOG: she keeps using heart emojis when we text
DOG FRIEND: which color heart?
DOG: *shows friend phone* the gray one
DOG FRIEND: omg
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: *slams fist* only a super villain would ask that!
*walls fall over revealing secret lab*
*Meets new person, forgets their name two seconds after they say it. Spends the next ten minutes hoping others in the conversation will say their name so I don’t have to ask.
Boss: Have I made myself clear?
Me: No, I can still see you.
Boss: Shakes head.
My sister borrowed my favorite shirt without asking again, so I changed her Facebook profile picture to a positive Clearblue pregnancy test.
Me: Welcome to my home! Make yourself confit!
Her: Thanks! *grabs a blanket* Wait… did you say “comfy”?
Me: *setting a tray of duck legs and bucket of duck fat in front of her* I did not.