Look, I just feel like I shouldn’t have to bend over backward to get an exorcism.
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Me: You’re adopted
Ted: What? How long have I been a dop
Our son attempted to explain to his little sister why his mom and I are married, so he told her, “Daddy was the only boy who liked mommy!”
When the chips are down, don’t worry. The dog will get em.
If you have more than 4 kids I automatically refer to you as a hoarder.
It’s like the people who drive Smart cars don’t even realize that other cars are an option.
me: we should tell our son he’s adopted
wife: but he isn’t
me: I know but I’m bored
Him: So whattayou wanna do?
Her: I dunno
Him: So…You wanna play video games?
Her: No!
Him: So…You wanna watch me play video games?
waiter: wine?
date: I don’t drink
waiter: water?
me: she said she doesn’t drink pal
Easing back into Twitter is like slipping on your own shit
Horrifying, yet familiar
Everytime I spend $20 I think this is fine because I won’t do it again. And then would u believe
“Have you accepted Jesus Christ as your Lord & Savior?”
“No.”
“Why not, sir?”
“Because, it would make my rabbi sad.”
Can y’all please stop posting obi-wan spoilers? I’m not going to watch it I just don’t want to hear about it anymore.
My favorite part of The Bachelor is when a crazy emotional girl starts crying and he’d rather kiss her snot-nosed face than listen to her.
My toddler has discovered this new thing that makes her laugh uncontrollably and it’s watching her parents try to swat a fly
I was going to buy my wife a car for Christmas but then I remembered I don’t live in a commercial.
is this a warning or an offer?
In horror flicks, people say “hello?” when they hear something like a voice is going to reply, “oh hey, it’s me, the murderer.”
It’s great that doctors are now offering digital appointments, but my online gyno checkup was really awkward.
Me: your honor, my client is criminally insane
Judge: you’re representing yourself
Sent this guy 27 texts in the last hour and haven’t heard back so I guess I should probably drive over to his house and make sure he’s okay.
Well my ex canceled the Spotify premium I was using which unfortunately means I am revoking her Dads access to my Disney +. Good guy. Hate to see him caught in the crossfire
A romantic thing you can do for your wife is try to get a raccoon to come in your house
Sean Swordd: mighty
Sean Penn: mightier
Me: *flirts*
Anyone watching:
My husband started exercising and now I have to start exercising out of spite.
My brother’s so homophobic that if he dropped his keys in San Francisco he’d kick them to Oakland before bending over to pick them up.
Hell, YES, I work out. Somebody has to support the ibuprofen industry.
If you can’t spell, we can’t hangman.
All soups are gazpacho if you’re lazy enough
Corporate Email: To add professionalism to all company correspondence, please make sure to add a photo to your profile.
Me: Okay.
