Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ve cut my fingernails too short and now I can’t open my shower gel. What’s the point of being well-groomed if I can’t smell like mangos?

When people ask if I’m being serious or if I’m joking, my answer is always yes.

“I’ll fix the roof myself,” I said, “save some money” I said…

I wanna see a video where professional dancers break out into nursing.

How are they running out of oxygen if they’re breathing it right back into the submarine

WIFE: He never pays any attention to me. All he cares about is that dog.

THERAPIST: is this true?

ME: [sewing swim trunks for the dog] is what true?

Boss: And this will be your desk. Make yourself at home
Me (pulling a rotisserie chicken from my purse & putting it on the desk): Thanks

“You can’t stand there.”
“Not there, either.”
“Nope that spot’s taken, too.”

-Ground hogs

Remember when getting a babysitter for the night meant ordering a pizza and 20 bucks and not 25 an hour and not asking about their ankle monitor

How can I say no to this ?

Him: I’ll hold your hair while you throw up

Her: *throws up*

Him: *throws up in her hair*

going to the bottom of the ocean anyone want anything

Sure reading a book under a tree is peaceful but imagine how stressful it is for the tree to see a bunch of it’s dead friends in your hand.

For Mother’s Day, I told my teens, I’m going to reenact every detail of each of your births.

9yo son: The difference between moms and dads is that when you say “I’m hungry,” moms say “go eat something” and dads say “hi, Hungry, I’m dad.”

Who, you ask, turns the AC on during a polar vortex? Sociopaths, fascist dictators, my boyfriend.

friend: you should be more spontaneous

me: *opens planner* when?

I once followed a puppy home on the off chance that I’d forgotten where I actually live and that he was, somehow, my dog.

But, yeah, let me raise two kids.

Karen: Are we ok?

Me: [removes earbud] Yes.

Karen: It’s just that you named a Spotify playlist “LET’S GET DIVORCED”

Let us pray for my Facebook friend who not only has a headache, but her bus is running a bit late too. 

This guy in my living room must think I’m an idiot, he says he picked my lock but I distinctly remember choosing it at the store by myself.

Programming Skills: PRIMARILY RUBY AND PYTHON BUT I CAN USE ANY TYPE OF GEM TO CONTROL ANY TYPE OF SNAKE

“I just got engaged!”

— Starship Enterprise

It’s my emotional support 16 unwashed coffee cups in the sink

Working front desk at Motel 6 wasn’t paying the bills so I started dealing meth to the housekeepers. It was an Inn side job.

ME: [walking down the street clearly counting with my fingers]

WIFE: you could just-

ME: I’m not paying for another Fitbit, Jenn

My son is on guitar, my daughters are on drums and harmonica, and I’m on my second ibuprofen.

My girlfriend and I started dating after her car ran into mine.

We met by accident

Actual warning I saw in a pamphlet:
“You may be at risk for throat cancer if you have a throat or mouth.”
Oh shit….