Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I love that Twitter is so international. I can hit “send” & be misunderstood by people all over the world almost instantly.

Coworker: “I hate when I forget to eat”

*Me, wiping peanut butter off of my eyebrows*

“Same”

“I’m gonna sneak some candy”, my 4yo announced loudly.

Today I learned my laser pointer can go all the way to the bar across the street.

Drunk people still think there’s a sniper somewhere.

[finishing last sip of wine]

waiter: would you like another glass?

me: no just refill this one

There aren’t too many jobs where you sit around the break room and say “Today I got gonorrhea, and last week I got syphilis,” unless you’re library workers talking about recent reference questions.

*looks back seductively*
[walks into doorframe]

Why I update my apps
:-For the new features ❌

:-for the notifications to go away✅

Going out with a girl who works in cyber security next week so I’m gonna print out all my passwords and ask what she thinks

me: how can I impress your dad?

gf: he’s really into cars

me: ok

[later]
her dad: nice to meet you

me: let’s talk about pixar’s finest movie

j o i m p

I’ve been looking for the lid for this Tupperware container and somehow I’m now three weeks late for work.

I gave up going to work for lent.

None of the scenarios in which I would require a watch that works 200m underwater are situations in which my watch would be my main concern.

I just bit into a dorito and had a piece of cool ranch seasoning fly into my eye and blind me and make me scream like I was being burned with acid so maybe don’t let me on your apocalypse survival team

tattoos are a great convo starter. So as an introvert I kinda regret getting them

[Speed dating]

Me: “Toilet paper, over or under?”
Her: “Und..”
Me: *flips table* NEXT!!!!!

QUESTIONS YOU CAN ANSWER BY PEEING ON THINGS:

1. Am I pregnant?
2. Does my boss have a very forgiving nature?

FIRST GUY TO EAT A BANANA: hey this is good come here and try it

FIRST GUY TO SLIP ON A BANANA PEEL: ok

If, by chance, I ever overthrow a government in an English speaking country, my first act as new leader will be to un-silence the p in coup.

Watching this Dahmer show on Netflix this guy doesn’t seem too bad I mean he’s just oh wait yep ok there it is wow my god Jeffrey

I always cut my 6 pack rings so they don’t choke any dolphins. If I’m gonna choke a dolphin, it’ll be with my bare hands.

“You’re so chill” me: *in a coma*

2008: i guess i’d prefer a candidate with a few more years of governing experience

2028: i voted for president bruno mars by scanning a bottle of mountain dew with my iphone

I’m smart, but not “I’ll stop talking while I’m still ahead” smart.

Show me someone who says they haven’t used chemistry since school and I’ll show you someone who doesn’t ignore warnings on bathroom cleaners

My kids have pulled out the NERF guns. What could possibly go wrong?

My husband’s sole purpose in life is to have me explain the entire plot of a TV series while I’m trying to watch the last 20 minutes.

I was walking into the store and some man said, “Hi beautiful,” and I replied, “Hello yourself.”

…. that’s when he pointed to his Bluetooth.

My wife told me the one thing she really wants for Christmas and I have to say I hope she gets it because I’d really like to meet Jason Momoa.