Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The baby spit up on my Xbox so I had to get rid of it…

I’m gonna miss that baby…

Back in the day, we didn’t have google just a drunk uncle.

Donate one kidney and you’re a hero. Donate a couple more and suddenly you’re a monster

The worst thing a woman can ask a man is “Guess what today is.”

[at therapist]

I don’t know, sometimes I just feel invisible

Therapist: WHO SAID THAT?!?

How high was Pac-Man tryin to eat ghosts? bruh

Me: You’re going to daycare today

3: Okay

Me: We’re almost at daycare

3: Okay

Me: We’re at daycare

3: *bursts into tears*

Me: Why are you crying?!

3: I didn’t know I was going to daycare

the problem is that the world is filled with an unimaginable amount of pain and suffering but also an unimaginable amount of delight and beauty and we must bear this in our souls at all times but also still find time to like do laundry and go to the grocery store

whenever i trip a skinny girl running in only a sports bra i feel like i’m doing god’s work

50% of raising kids is begging them to use their words.

50% is begging them to be quiet.

[First day as pig farmer]

Me: *hosing blood off of the plow* something about this doesn’t feel right

I used to do hundreds of press-ups a day when I was a lift attendant.

I love watching my 3yo and 2yo fight because they throw kicks and nobody makes contact and they say shit like, “you’re boring!” and “I have socks!” as insults and it’s amazing.

Check out this image, then fill in the blank:
“All these two cared about was ____________”

Finish the sentence here:

📷: elevasseur

HELLO COWORKER THAT I HAD NOT SPOKEN TO UNTIL I DREW THEIR NAME IN OFFICE SECRET SANTA PLEASE ENJOY THIS DEEPLY INTIMATE GIFT OF AN AMAZON GIFT CARD

This morning I packed nothing but a kale salad for lunch and now 1pm me wants to punch 7am me in the face.

I only have one sex toy. 7 if you search my house and get creative.

I hate cars with no Tint get me outta this water bottle 😡😡

This poor dog

*stranded on a dessert island*
Day 1: This is paradise!
Day 2: I have eaten far too much chocolate cake.

You don’t need to put “narcissist” in your bio.
This is twitter, that shit goes without saying.

Me: I’ll have an egg white omelette

Waiter: I’m sorry, sir. It’s after Labor Day.

*running from the cops at night* DAMN THESE LIGHT-UP SHOES.

fiancée: I’ve chosen a date for the wedding

me: WHO IS HE

Astronauts are cowards, why don’t you stay down here and face earth’s problems like a man

“Can I have a pound of onions please.”

“Sorry sir, it’s kilos these days.”

“oh, ok, can I have a pound of kilos please.”

My son told me he couldn’t wait to grow up…

So I took out my vitamin day of the week organizer and explained every one. Next we discussed every body cream I have. Then we paid bills for the month. He was crying at this point so we had ice cream while we did meal planning.

Me:Thank you, he’s so hot I don’t even know what I want to do first…Grandma: (interrupting) Okay, can someone else say the prayer please?

Hey guys, can so cleanse your timeline with a doggy trying to secretly steal its chewy from its sibling?

Thank you.

Credit: Imgur/bonjouretatsunis1776