Look, I know you really miss her. But, you know what? Sometimes things aren’t meant to be. One time I really wanted this waffle….
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“You’re a rather handsome woman” isn’t a great opener on Tinder apparently
Eaten so many blue cheese stuffed olives today that it feels like France and Greece are waging a war for land in my intestines.
[Antiques Roadshow]
This mirror frame is a classic Victorian style, but the ghosts in the reflection are wearing Edwardian clothes so the glass was likely replaced
I just battle rapped my 4 year-old and rhymed “take a nap” with “piece of crap” so don’t tell me about your parenting skills.
Me: look at this stupid thing lol
Person I want to like me: actually I studied that thing at sea for 3 decades and it’s like a father to me
Oh he looks allergic to me. I’ll go sit on him
~ cats
Me: *Living in the US for 16 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
#TrueStory
Does anyone else start driving like there’s 4 dismembered bodies in the trunk when a cop is behind you?
Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant, I like to tell the diners coming in “I recommend the tandoori cat.”
Job Counselor: now that you’ve flunked dental school, what’s your plan?
Tooth Fairy: *shrugs* idk, buy em I guess
*sees lawn gnome cartwheel into room*
*calls to renew prescription*
I don’t mean to appear simple-minded but I don’t understand how snails made it to Noah’s Ark but unicorns didn’t.
“I want to feel like chewbaca, but only from the shins down.”
-women wearing uggs
Husband: I love you.
Me: Bullshit name 2 of my albums.
Wife: How many beers did you have while I was gone?
Me: Two.
4-year-old: It was nine.
Teaching her to count was a mistake.
Me: *looks at tupperware cabinet*
Tupperware cabinet: CRASH! BANG! CLANK!
Anytime I get something stuck in my throat, I drink some beer.
I call this the Heineken maneuver.
When someone accuses you of being defensive, you can’t deny it without sounding defensive. Just hurl a flower pot. No one expects that.
Sex therapist: Try swapping positions tonight
Me: ok[Later]
Her: Wanna have sex?
Me: No thanks
He has found a brilliant way to automatically keep all the horses warm, fed, and clean.
He’s a stable genius.
My resume is just an old VHS tape of the “Life Goes On” episode where Corky lip syncs “Fight the Power” for his school’s talent show.
Kids look forward to recess.
Adults look forward to Reese’s.
Mood: the first half of a paper towel commercial when the mom is ready to light her family on fire
remember: knives and alcohol don’t mix. knives are solid they don’t mix with anything. why where you trying to drink a knife anyways idiot
Wife: I’ve blisters on my hands from the broom.
Me: Take the car next time!
I just saw some idiot at the gym put his water bottle in the Pringle holder on the treadmill.
I see it’s garbage day on twitter again.
when girls eat strawberries it’s like sexy and hot but when i eat an entire potato in one bite like a snake it’s weird???? ok
16: They asked me for my email.
12: Email? That’s like something only moms use!
16: Ewww, I know!
*how my kids take a dig at me without even trying to take a dig at me
(My kid looking over my shoulder as I sign an email.)
Kid: You’re not a Dr!
Me: YES I AM! What do you think I was studying for all the time when you were little?
Kid: Oh, I thought you just liked reading books and crying.