Look, I know you really miss her. But, you know what? Sometimes things aren’t meant to be. One time I really wanted this waffle….
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[Job interview]
Them: “So what will you bring to the role if we choose you”
Me: *whips out kazoo*
Them: “NOPE”
Give a man a fish, he’ll eat for a day.
Teach a man to fish, he’ll contribute to the global overdepletion of the ocean.
So give him a salad, maybe.
Waiter: All our wines are hand selected.
Me: As opposed to what?
HER: do you own any firearms
ME [trying to impress]: no but I have some hot legs
When I trip I always look back to see who or what did it because it couldn’t have possibly have been my fault.
little girl: he was a gift
horse dentist: then I cannot help you
My seven year old just said, “I kinda want to experience being a dad but I kinda don’t want to get married” Should I ask him more questions.
date: do you like reading?
me: *holding menu upside down* is it spicy?
Baker: Is there a problem?
Cannibal, returning a mincemeat pie: You’re damn right there’s a problem!
Airport receptionist: anything to declare?
Me: how bout these guns? *flexes*
Her: OH GOD HE’S GOT GUNS!
Me: wait.. I was..
Her: HELP!! AGH!
If you’re already in the cop car, I really can’t see how puking in it could make things any worse.
If you say “it’s twelve noon,” I assume you eat cow beef and didn’t do well at education school
[First date]
Him: What’s your favorite dish?
Me: The one that holds the most food.
Hansel and Gretel is a timeless tale about the importance of killing old ladies.
When a woman has her husband’s last name, my first assumption is that they got married in their 20s. I feel like by your 30s, you’ve absolutely maxed out on paperwork.
I hate gender stereotypes.
Sometimes I give my son a drink in a pink cup and my daughter a drink in a blue cup, just to test their reactions.
Turns out they don’t like whisky.
we call em houseplants like thats where they belong but its just where we put em thats like if u threw me in the sewer & called me sewer boy
When I am served half an egg at a restaurant,
I wonder to myself:
Who has the other half of my egg?
Two strangers;
Living their lives;
Sharing an egg.
*at the bakery*
Baker: “I’m sorry. We’re out of buns, but we have other baked goods.”
Me, with my pet anaconda: “Listen, hun…”
just like to remind everyone that if you wear a stylish belt with your bathrobe it becomes a dress
i know that the frontal lobe is not developed before age 25 because i got married when i was 24 and decided to get my first ever spray tan spontaneously on the day of my wedding.
Not sure where I went wrong, he said he liked “it wild” so I crawled through his window dressed as Pennywise and dragged him into the woods but; maybe he’s not into redheads.
[At Restaurant]
Server: Hope you are hungry.
Me: I am
Server: Is this your first time?
Me: No, I’ve been hungry before.
Reintroducing spiders into my friend’s apartment to get rid of her cockroach problem. I’m sure she’ll thank me later.
my boyfriend just said “i encourage you to try all things” to our cat who was licking up buffalo sauce
83% of white folks stressing about their court dates are referring to tennis.
They just got engaged at a hibachi restaurant — and the chef wrote their initials in rice!
“Lethal Weapon” is my favorite movie about how to fix a dislocated shoulder.
“Murder most fowl!” I scream as the cops pull me away from the many duck corpses. They explain I misunderstood Hamlet while arresting me.
[trying to open a packet of hotdogs but I can’t because I refuse to slow down on my run]