Look, I respect the skill. But no.
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Him: Why are you here?
Me: Why am I anywhere?
My pics are real.
I don’t use any filters.
I don’t even use coffee filters.
I eat coffee straight outta the container like a man
Don’t ask me for advice…I advocate breakups and crime.
I only Googled how to make a bomb so I can be sure I don’t accidentally have bomb making equipment in my house that would get me arrested in a surprise police raid.
Cop: And yet, here we are…
” I made my famous dip for the office party”
You’re a regular Abe Lincoln.
“But he wasn’t a chef”
Exactly
My dog is really picky on where she poops. For instance, she will only choose a lawn where the homeowner is outside to make eye contact with me.
Does your cat do that thing where he refuses to eat the stale bowl bikkies so you take the bowl up to the kitchen counter and shake it around a bit and then they think you’ve swapped it out for fresh bikkies and they happily crunch it up ehehehe what a tiny idiot
I used to be God’s gift to women but now I’m God’s gift to the clickbait advertising industry.
Anything can serve briefly as a boat. The key word is *briefly*
overrated: crying in the shower
underrated: using the shower rack for all the assorted condiments for your shower tacos
This frozen meal expects me to know what wattage my microwave is like I’m some kind of wizard.
[at the vets]
He’s really bad. He can’t fly.
“He’s a cat though.”
[very sarcastically] oh I’m sorry is this the vets or the excuses clinic?
Me: It’s not how often you fall down, it’s how many times you get up that matters.
Cop: That’s not how field sobriety tests work.
One minute you’re young and carefree and the next you’re stuck on a park fence you thought you could still jump over 😬🤭
I brought my Beats headphones to work, and instead of being left alone, I’ve had 7 rap battles and am in the finals against A$AP Carol.
Friend: What do your kids like to eat?
Me: Anything that is on my plate, even though it’s also on theirs.
coworker: you’re 37? you look younger
me: i let a demon possess me in exchange for external youth
coworker: ha ha *leaves*
demon inside me: you gotta stop saying that someone’s gonna believe you
me: meh. i’m going to the break room for a donut
demon: ooo get a maple bar
Me: I choose Truth!
Him: What is the most time wasting app on your phone?
Me: …I choose Dare!
Dear dogs, thank you for sleeping at night.
Dear cats, what the hell is your problem?
Rejected Pixar Movie Titles:
House Float
Find My Fish Son
Automobile People
A Rat Cooked This
Ugh, We Gotta Find Another Fish
4yo: Do you want to play pretend?
Me: I already am.
4yo: What pretend?
Me: Shh, you’re not here.
Judge: Have you any words before I pronounce sentence?
Me: Yes. Could you also pronounce Worcestershire?
(sheepishly putting my arm around pitbull) so is there a mrs worldwide
My ex-husband’s mother invited me to lunch for my birthday and tbh, I’d rather be torn apart by wolverines and thrown into a vat of acid so naturally, I told her I’d check my schedule.
Ghost haunting my house: Okay, I’m just going to clean up your TINY, SHITTY, Apartment while you’re gone because I can’t not-live like this!
Actually Jennifer, diamonds are a girls best friend, so technically I slept with your second best friend
Ugh. My bed is infested with children.
ROBIN: How come you wear dark colors but make me wear a bright yellow cape?
BATMAN: [under his breath] It’s called a bullet magnet.
ROBIN: What?
BATMAN: What?
Hot Hot Hot
buy a fitted sheet one size bigger than your mattress and start living your life