Look, I respect the skill. But no.
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Friend: “I grilled some chickens over the weekend.”
Me: “Did you get the information that you were looking for?”
2025
-All children are named Logan
-The most recent president is a ferret who came in 2nd on the Amazing Race.
-Betty White is still alive
(Auditioning to be a bird)
*accidentally walks into a sliding glass door*
DIRECTOR: Wow, she’s really good.
What if Fox News is just an 18 year long infomercial for teeth whitener?
Like a hot-air balloon ride above manure mountain I am over this shit and slightly unstable
Seems like an opportune time to resurface my favorite interview moment
Blew my nose…….lost 2 pounds of mucous and got an ab workout.
I know you have good intentions, but it’s cruel to set a Roomba free. For one, they’re raised in captivity and don’t have the skills to survive outside. And for two, nature abhors a vacuum.
shit just got real
Me: my shoulder is sore
DR: I told u stop throwing rocks at the Sun
[walking out of office] (looks at Sun) I guess ur safe *squints* for now
What I said: Brush your teeth!
What my 4yo heard: Chew on your toothbrush so I have to buy you a new one every week.
Local Singles 2.9 Miles From Your Area
*refresh page*
Local Singles 3.7 Miles From Y..
“no dont leave”
*refresh page*
Local Singles 7.8 Mile
I’m going to open a camouflage store at the mall and call it
inventor of the sword: [watching a sword swallowing contest] oh no. no no no
*finally detangles ear buds
*plane lands
today a customer had to wait for blonde roast and he’d had to wait yesterday too and i was like “so sorry this is happening again” and he turned his phone to me and i was like oh no he’s on the phone with head office but he was showing me a video of a rat taking a shower
I was bored and filled a spherical ice cube mold with milk. When I took it out it was perfect…until I dropped it and it broke in half. Now I’m crying over split milk.
My family doesn’t get together a lot during the holidays.
We see each other enough throughout the year at all the interventions.
Me: no way you could see that with your naked eye
7yo: *shocked* my eye is not naked
No thanks, cosmetics lady. I’m years past ‘bare & natural’. Save us both some time & show me the stuff you’d need to prep & refinish a wall.
Why do they call it a ‘reading of the will’ and not a dead giveaway?
Growing up I didn’t think the expensive addiction that would ruin me would be Heinz ketchup but here we are
God: you’re an elephant.
Elephant: ok.
God: you have a great memory.
Elephant: what does that mean?
God: you never forget.
Elephant: didn’t I lend you $20 last week?
God:
Elephant:
God: [opening wallet] yOu NeVeR foRgEt good one God.
I think my wife has been moonlighting at the north pole. That is only explanation for why her feet are so cold when she gets into bed
me: do you have anything for dry skin?
pharmacist: aloe.
me: um hi. do you have anything for dry skin.
HER: I’ve missed you so badly.
ME: *pulls hatchet from wall* thank god!
Me: I just want to meet someone like me. Someone interesting.
Them: well which is it?
Got fired on my first day working at the drugstore for calling my new coworkers my pharmily.
As I get older and continue to meet new people… I realize that swallowing should be more of a thing.
Wow your rib cage and hip bones look stunning !!!
Said No Man Ever