Look, I respect the skill. But no.
You Might Also Like
My tax refund was so big that I didn’t even have to dilute my body wash with water this month.
Considering you can be anything you want on the internet,
it’s amazing how many choose to be stupid.
M: I’m so glad school started!
12: Can you help me with my math?
M: OMG WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME?!
<••• accidentally splashes pickle juice in my eyes…
“Ow! I’m brined!”
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
9/10 students agree that someone got lost on the field trip
Guilt should be a condiment. It goes on everything.
I am SO DONE WITH MEN. Most of them, anyway. At least one of them. I am SO DONE WITH AT LEAST ONE OF THE MEN.
I want to know what the cat was doing that made the animal control officer be like, you know what, I think this cat just destroyed an 8-ball.
You can’t buy an umbrella. You can only inherit or steal one.
[courtroom]
Me: “I OBJECT YOUR HONOR”
Judge: on what grounds?
“LEGAL MUMBO JUMBO”
Prosecutor: he’s good
Judge: *slams gavel* case dismissed.
Everyone complains about the weather but noone’s sacrificing a virgin to change it either.
It’s important to remember where you parked the get away vehicle.
Girls on Facebook call it, “The Walk of Shame.”
Girls on Twitter call it, “The Strut of Satisfaction”
WAITER: Your meal comes with three sides.
ME (imagining a delicious triangle): Excellent.
I only make my food from the natural ingredients, like uranium and asbestos
interviewer: you have a 3 year gap on your resume that just says “vengeance”
me:
interviewer:
me: you don’t remember me do you?
I don’t know why people complain about growing out short hair. It’s a passive process. You just let it happen, and don’t look in the mirror for 10-12 months. Easy peasy.
My life these days is basically the “before” segment of an infomercial for a revolutionary new mop.
No Karen, you can’t return your
eclipse glasses tomorrow and
claim they “didn’t fit.”
“Happy Anniversary to you both, may you have a long marriage with many more years ahead” she hexed.
We need a “your body is changing” talk for people turning 40.
Waiter: Can I get you a drink and would you like an appetizer?
Me: Woah! What’s with all the questions?
Mom: I called you bc I was watching a TV show & thought of you!
Me: Ya? What show?
My Mom (laughing): A show about Aliens!Very funny Mom!
My parents: “the virus cannot survive in hot places so you need to periodically gargle boiling water and run a hairdryer at your throat”
Me: “…how did you raise me without killing me”
Skyped my dad today and had a great conversation with his forehead and nose hairs…
I never drank a day in my life. I almost drank 18 hours once, though.
If you see a woman holding Fifty Shades of Grey, smile and say “congratulations on your first book!”
I’d like to make a formal apology to whomever had to clean the Shake Shack restroom at HWY 35 and Pirate Cove Lane after my visit.
I forgot to pick up a 10mg gummy I dropped on the ground in my backyard last night and this morning it was covered in ants and I just can’t even imagine the day those little guys are about to have