Look, I respect the skill. But no.
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Me: *screaming along to death-metal*
My child, who I forgot was in the car:
Christmas Warning:
Every guy dressed in red that asks you what you want while you sit on his lap, is not Santa.
Neighbors having their yearly Xmas party. Not invited again. So don’t tell me the screaming drunken outdoor fights don’t pay off.
“I’m not falling for that again” I say as I’m about to fall for whatever that is, again
Her: tell me want I want to hear baby
Me: your order is on its way
Her: oh god, yes!
Seriously considering telling the CDC I have Ebola, so they’ll clean my house.
[shark tank]
ME: it’s a belt with a clock on it
SHARK: this is a waste of time
ME: *waist
Four men having a little fun at an airport 😀
HUSBAND 911: what your emergency?
ME: my wife hears everything
HUSBAND 911: do I?
ME: what?
HUSBAND 911: what?
All women really want is to be treated like you treat your iPhone.
Dr: Read the chart for me please.
Me: Needs immediate psych evaluation?
Dr: Ma’am, I was talking about the eye chart.
“Eat your dinner so that lamb didn’t die for nothing” – will ensure you get your daughter’s helping, too.
Her: Do I look fat?
Him: Do I look stupid?…
The real world does feel a bit like the state of Batman comics right now.
You beat one grinning evil, two more show up, and while you’re fighting them, the first one is resurrected and pretty soon you’re banging the cat lady.
Nobody:
My husband: That’s it. I’m going to bring back jean shorts.
Just bumped into Gloria Gaynor’s ghost!
At first I was afraid, I was petrified.
Ghost Hunter is a cool job because as a kid I always thought how fun it would be to play make believe and get paid for it
“Siri, show me justifiable homicide.”
7YR OLD: dad, why do feet smell but noses run?
ME: are…are you high right now?
I was so devastated by my divorce that I barely finished the eleventh grade…
“want to go grab some dinner?”
*lights cat on fire* sorry I can’t my cats on fire
Carson: No it wasn’t a friend it was a close family member. And I didn’t stab her I froze her heart.
“Sir, that’s the plot of Frozen.”
Me: [sneaks off to lay by pool cuz kids are finally playing]
7yo: HERE I AM MOMMY SO YOU DON’T HAFTA BE ALONE
Me: [sigh] Thanks bud.
Pro tip: never take a laxative and a sleeping pill at the same time.
if you ask your child what the magic word is and they say ‘please’ then i guess well done. but if their eyes become blackholes and they speak in ancient mysterious rhymes then also well done and good luck
EMTs showed up at my house unexpectedly, so I guess the neighbors did see me when the bee landed on my head
God: It’s time to speed up the apocalypse.
Angel: But people are basically good. Give them a chance!
God: The Baby Shark people just released a “Wash Your Hands” song.
Angel: Never mind, go ahead.
Lionel Richie: hello.
Adele: it’s me.
Lionel Richie: is it me you’re looking for?
Adele: I was wondering if after all these years you’d like to meet?
Lionel Richie: holy shit *covers phone* now what the hell do I say?
if you actually do the calculations, it turns out movies always give the wrong answers for equations because otherwise they owe a royalty to math