Look, I respect the skill. But no.
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Well, about your cat… There’s good news and bad news…
I’d say a good part of my day is spent trying to convince my dog that we’re not about to be murdered by the UPS guy, mailman, squirrels, or the ice dispenser
accidentally got decaf coffee beans or as my wife calls them, “grounds for divorce”
Asked him his height and he’s been typing for 2 minutes 🤨
Started making anti-inspirational greeting cards.
[reads chocoholic on tinder bio] Mmm I love chocolate, too
[reads workaholic] I work a lot as well
[reads catholic] I also am a cat addict
This poor girl dropped her salad in the parking lot, so I grabbed her hand and said “Lettuce pray”
I’m sure 4 kids fighting about who found the most eggs at 7 AM is exactly what Jesus had planned for today.
[Gets cut off by a Pruis]
*Speeds up to cut off Prius then drops a banana peel behind me**Prius spins out of control*
Thug life.
Our dog is a bulldog/beagle/pug mix and I’ve just discovered that all this time, my youngest and most confused child has thought he was a “baldeagle/pug” mix.
*pulling shredded cheese out of the bag one by one* they fw me they fw me not
Nobody:
My kid: I want my nickname to now be Hot Dogs.
Hey! So I have a new YouTube channel. It’s a desperate attempt to make some $$$ (survival reasons) – Think you could support and subscribe?
While we are here, if you have feedback on the new site design, please let me know – trying to address one by one. Someone told me that there are way too many ads now, I have reduced the number of ads and increased the no. of funny tweets per page. Can’t wait to hear from you!
Had a joint with my mate and she said “mad how the brain named itself” and I’ve fully had to come home and go to bed
Me: What did you learn on your first day back to school?
Granddaughter: Not enough. They said I have to go back tomorrow.
*snorting spilled coffee grounds off the dirty floor* I DONT HAVE A PROBLEM
For someone who hates the circus, I sure have dated a lot of clowns.
Doctor: I’m sorry, but it looks like you won’t be able to have sexual intercourse again.
Me: But I’ve only sprained my ankle.
What are guys wearing their sunglasses on the back of their heads hiding from us?
I don’t hate you I just wish your next period is in a shark tank
Don’t ask me for advice, i just waited over a minute for an elevator to move before realizing i had not yet selected a floor.
“Well this is silly”
– me describing a window sill
TRANSLATORS: we’re done, sire. 7 years. Every last word painstakingly translated into English.
KING JAMES I: call it the King James Bible
I tried some Dirty Dancing in a neighbour’s herb garden. I had the thyme of my life.
WOMAN: some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [placing my screaming son in her shopping cart] thank you
And for my next trick, I’m going to make this first date the last date.
BILLION DOLLAR IDEA
A giant cinnamon roll that you sleep in, that becomes warm and edible when it’s time to wake up
There must be so many advantages to being a president or a king, but I’d wager that the most exciting of all is never having to carry your own house keys.
My son is more polite to an Alexa speaker than his own family
Apparently, all it takes is knowing every dinosaur fact in the universe
The 80’s called and they want you to stop saying they called.