Look I wanna be friendly, but you have to introduce yourself to me 3-5 times in the wild
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The doctor holds the stethoscope against my chest and frowns. Perhaps I should not have eaten all those bees.
When I was 6 my uncle caught a moth in his mouth, walked outside, opened up and the moth flew away into the night. I think about this a lot
Wife: He keeps his friend close so he doesn’t lose him
Therapist: Not a bad thing
Me [yawns and a bee flies from my mouth]: Come back Alan
“What that moth do?”
– Me after hearing the bug lamp explode
[F*R*I*E*N*D*S]
ROSS {barging into Monica’s apartment}: OMG Rachel and I were walking along the San Andreas Fault and it opened up and swallowed her!!
MONICA: How could you let that happen, Ross?!
ROSS: WE WERE ON A BREAK
Wife: *comes home, sees backyard, leaves*
Me: *presiding over well-attended raccoon wedding* Will we see you at the reception!?!?
Current mood: Potato
Grandpa: “I was at Normandy.”
Dad: “I was at the Battle of Khe Sanh.”
Me: “I once went to Kohl’s on Christmas Eve.”
Everyone: *gasps*
Me: Enough with the reminders. I got it already.
Also me: Oh shit that was today.
Are black guys the ones with big dicks?
Because if so, I think I might be a black guy.
Pigeon: the distance a pig travels in one eon
“Quinoa” sounds like something a ninja would say before kicking you.
GENIE: u can’t wish for more wishes
ME: i wish u had permanent irritable bowel syndrome
GENIE: *sweating* ha ha then again rules are meant to be broken
When Kevin Bacon participates in a bake off, he instantly becomes Kevin Bacoff.
So apparently “You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not my real dad!” isn’t of much use when dealing with armed cops.
Psssst … Hey buddy … One hit of this stuff’ll take you right back to ’79
*slides over packet of Pop Rocks*
I get it, orcas! I, too, like to sink annoying children’s toys in the pool
BREAKING
Scientists warn that Earth could run out of conspiracy theories by 2025 if they keep coming true at the current rate
Sorry I yelled “GET A ROOM!” at your grandson’s wrestling tournament.
im the guy responsible for throwing the chicken in the air for fried chicken commercials. i will never reveal my secret method’s
When people shorten words for no reason it makes me want to commit murds.
Me: *levitating, a jumble of furniture swirls chaotically around me*
Him: so, you still mad?
ME: I got us a custom headstone!
WIFE: I’m not being immortalized in one of your dumb jokes
ME: Just read it
WIFE: “Tomb it may concern…”
Whatcha doing?! 😏🤣🐶
Preschool Registration form: What’s one word you would use to describe your child?
*writes in all caps: RELENTLESS.
Zoom meetings have reminded me that I’m generally not muted when you should be.
A little bit of chocolate just melted on my hotel room bed and the more you try to explain that to housekeeping the more it seems like that’s not chocolate.
i can see why people hate change, it’s heavy and jingly in your pocket, and people look at you weird when you use it to buy booze, i get it
Can I ask you a question without you getting mad?
-People who are about to piss you off
My wife complained I never buy her flowers. She should look at her prices, there’s a much more competitively priced florist just up the road