let us all return to a simpler time, such as when i believed astroturf was farmed in space and brought to earth
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[very obviously being hit on]
hahaha ok well, see you around[4 days later, cutting open a cantaloupe]
wait a second
The way my kids use sunscreen they’ll never get a sunburn on their bathroom floor
When the aliens decide to show up from whatever other dimension they are really from, can they please return all my lost socks and bobby pins, thaanks.
sweetie, she doesn’t mean anything to me. please look at me
adding to the discourse
Kid: Mom, the light’s on in my closet.
Me: That’s weird. The monster must be looking for something.
You have to love a boss with a sense of humor. Mine just sent me a 7am meeting notice on Outlook and I’ve never laughed so hard…
Scooby-Doo gave me unrealistic expectations about how often a human, dressed as a monster, would chase me.
“Listen to your body?” dude my body reflexively blows on yogurt just because I’m eating it with a spoon
Received a resume today that listed gap explanations which included such hits as “skydiving accident”, “temporary blindness” and finally my personal favorite “cartwheel incident”
All I ask is to be buried with a walkie talkie, just in case.
waiter my bone broth tastes like a boiled bone
*rap battles you for the last chicken nugget*
My husband’s coming home from a work trip, so I’m putting dishes in the sink to make it look like I didn’t eat toast on a paper towel for five days.
Cop: you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You thought I was black?
Cop: Haha. Yep. You’re free to go sir
Your call is very important to us. So please enjoy this 40 minute flute solo.
<enter password>
chicken
<password is weak>
chickensoup
<password is feeling a little better>
Ladies, if you think being clumsy is cute, I once stabbed my date in the gums with a fork trying to feed her a bite of spaghetti
I get it Bryan Adams. It was the summer of 69, but what year?
Finally, somewhere I can take my Croissant Bernard.
Guy on Tinder: I speak 12 languages
Me:
Guy on Tinder: I made my niece a yacht out of chewing gum, balsa wood, and macaroni
Me: *plays the kazoo perfectly with my left nostril
Absolutely destroyed my bed last night… I cuddled those covers so hard
[on a first date]
Me: sure, I’d love to see your basement
I’m no fan of watching a train wreck, unless that train is pulling boxcars full of delicious delicious Raisin Bran®️
The new Disney Pixar movie sounds wild
Every time I talk about milk, I clarify “not breastmilk.” It’s unnecessary and it makes people uncomfortable.
Instead of the death penalty they should make prisoners nice and comfortable and then tell them that the remote control is across the room.
Haha no way, you’re an 1/16th Polish AND a 1/3rd Irish???
Damn I must be part goldfish bc I don’t remember asking 🤷♂️🤷♂️🤷♂️
If you’re head of the CIA and can’t hide an extramarital affair it means it can’t
be done. Case closed, fellas.
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: In a mirror! Well any reflective surface really, windows, shiny cars, puddles…