Look, ice cream has eggs in it, therefore it is a breakfast food.
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[First date]
Her: I like bad boys.
Me: *trying to impress* I have it on Blu-ray.
How is the witch who imprisoned children that were eating her house the bad guy of the story?
cop: can you describe the suspect
witness: he was no more than 6 feet
cop: [crossing out spiders] thank god
If anyone asks me about a movie, I say I only go to movies for the popcorn.
The key to doing well at wordle is to think Britishly
If I were British I would carry around a monocle and drop it whenever I was horrified
The Flo Rida song Friday bothers me so much
“I wish every day was Friday.”
The magic of Friday is the anticipation of the weekend, and if every day was Friday there would be no weekend.
No one let this man make a wish on a monkey paw.
My teen said she wants to go to the mall with me so we can spend time together, and then the credit cards in my purse laughed and laughed.
them: here’s 10 potatoes. eat them all.
me: seriously? i can’t do that. it’s too much food.
them: here’s 10 potatoes that i mashed up and added butter, salt and milk to
me: that’s better
I don’t understand Christian heavy metal. Like why are they so angry for Jesus?
Marriage only works when both partners listen. Not to each other; god that would be horrible advice.
[Dragging 3 whining kids through mall] No thank you, mall kiosk employee, I’m not interested in trying “something amazing for my hair.”
I get Grumpy when I run out of Dopey.
The first charcuterie board was just improvisation by some dude who didn’t have enough snack bowls.
It’s settled. I’m measuring everything in comparison to the size of an American alligator.
“Wow you’re one of the nicest old ladies I’ve ever met!”- me, loudly to a random old lady so my mom can hear
🤣🤣🤣🤣
Insurance company: We need you to fax us the paperwork.
Me: Sure. Let me jump in my DeLorean and drive back to 1987.
Seth Rogen and James Franco having their movie pulled due to terrorist threats sounds like the plot of a Seth Rogen and James Franco movie.
Difference between Jenna Jameson & Mitt Romney? One does disgusting, amoral things for money; one’s a porn star.
only three people know my grandma’s secret tuna casserole recipe & two of them have been missing since 1957
My husband told me yesterday that his co-worker said I’m gorgeous and considering that I dreamt last night that James Hetfield asked me out, there’s a chance it went to my head.
my back wasn’t made for hard labor*
*getting out of bed.
Tom and Jerry fooled me into thinking dogs bullied cats when it’s the opposite in reality
Me: when is your birthday
Her: March 1st
Me: *walking around the room* when is your birthday?
The distorted faces and primal noises I made during labor do not even touch my husband’s performance when he’s in the throes of a toe cramp.
Me: (to my kid after I see her empty plate at the dinner table) I guess you need to learn how take your plate up
My Kid: I’ve already learned that skill.
Me:
My Kid: I don’t need any further practice on it.
Me: 😑
I could make a sandwich before a British person finishes saying “et cetera.”