Look, ice cream has eggs in it, therefore it is a breakfast food.
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If you really want people to notice you, be a typo.
Toddlers LOVE to help. Then they get older and are actually able to help… Which is when they start to roll their eyes and complain.
I’m always there for my friends when I need them.
Since you’re not a dentist and you’re entering my mouth with a pair of pliers, repeat after me: “I swear to pull the tooth, the whole tooth, and nothing but the tooth.”.
Woke up feeling not too shabby for a 55-year-old. The only problem is I’m still in my 40s.
Even if you’re really tired, never try to hold your eyes open using toothpicks. DAMN YOU 1970’S CARTOONS AND ALL OF YOUR FALLACIES!
According to this grocery list I’ve written on my hand, I’ve invented a new language.
Every great and accomplished chef had to start somewhere.
Magic words that make my children disappear:
3) Bath time
2) Who did this?!
1) When I was your age…
How do you call a meerkat?
C’meerkat.
what is cheese if not milk persevering
Coworker: Good morning
Me (suddenly realizing this is my first interaction of the day): How are go?
Game Show Host: if you were stranded on an island with no people, what–
Me: omg yes
I’m eating strawberries in the bath while watching a spider kill a ladybug. I feel like I’m in a silent French film about sex and death.
My girl knows I’d never cheat on her because she would need to arrange it and remind me 37 times so I don’t forget
As he stealthily slid the paper with my balance on it, I nodded at my bank teller for protecting my 12.03$ from the 2 old women behind me.
my computer is organized exactly like my brain, which is to say that I just found a photo of a baby weasel alone in a folder called “good”
12yo wants to stay home from school because her foot hurts, like that’s a legit excuse that I didn’t use on my own parents to try to get out of school.
playing too much GTA. starting to see traffic as “options.”
I never understood why chefs wear white.
I go in the kitchen to get a glass of water and come back with five stains on my shirt.
Revenge is a dish best served cold. Unless revenge is a meatloaf. That you should heat in the oven for forty-five minutes at 350 degrees.
Handsome Stranger: Excuse me, but you’re..
Me: Gorgeous & you’ve been mustering up the courage to speak to me?
HS: ..blocking the pickles.
Since summer is almost over here’s a list of all the places I got to visit:
1. Work
4: I didn’t know lizards were cold
6:
4:
6: BLIZZards
Me: [Making an alarmingly bad decision after making a lot of good choices for a while] treat yourself
Wife: Whatchya thinking about?
Me: *Thinking about how dogs understand more English words than I understand dog words* Science stuff.
[stopping the tattoo artist 15 seconds into my “feel no pain” tattoo] ok so you’re gonna laugh
[first date]
Me: I’m a very reserved person
Me: [5 minutes later] if aliens abducted me no one would miss me
putting lotion on isn’t making your skin any less dry because you’re only addressing a symptom and not the source of the problem. You gotta drink that shit
Dear commercial pitching me how much my funeral will cost,
It’s not going to cost ME anything.