Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Whenever I utter the word ‘sober’ I wash my mouth out with alcohol.

If someone overtakes me when I’m walking, I match their speed so it looks like I’ve got friends.

95% percent of forest fires are caused by someone walking in corduroy pants.

I had a dream I was making out with someone with really bad breath.

Judging by the look on my dog’s face, I’d say we had the same dream.

One of the best parts of marriage is having someone to hate the couples on House Hunters with.

My 8yo just said she’s “lactose intelligent,” so hit her up with any pressing dairy questions.

I act like Pacman at parties.

I walk around the room eating everything in site and avoiding everyone.

😂😭

It’s amazing how many errands I’m willing to run when family is in town. No, no you relax. I’ll go.

Aliens: “Take us to your leader.”

Me: “I would wait.”

How the hell did Charles Manson get like 16 people to murder for him? I can’t even get two kids to brush their teeth.

I was a teenager when “Go to your room” was a punishment and not the same as saying “Go to your arcade/shopping mall/video chat room/infinite music and video library/recording booth/photo studio.”

What if my cans are tuna cans or industrial school size cans of peaches in syrup or old rusty tin cans connected with string, can I still show them off? I heard people like looking at other people’s cans

Actually, I want to be a robot for Halloween

-my 3 yo, just before noon, October 31

Doc- it appears that you take everything way to seriously. You need to get your shit togeth… Oh no, what are you doing! No! Stop!

Honestly I don’t think I have any more new passwords left in me. You wanna steal my identity? Go ahead, I hope you enjoy debt and terrible posture.

if someone asks you about yourself say “OK, sit down, this is going to be a really long story” then just wander off

[house being raided]
[swat guy crashes through window, lands on slip n slide I placed there for this exact reason and slides out front door]

I inform my 4 year old that she’s going to a friend’s house 5 minutes before we leave so she only asks me when we’re going 6000 times.

If your name is Ella and you haven’t opened a seafood restaurant called Salmonella’s, what are you doing with your life?

God, I hate Apple. I updated my iPhone software and now I’m missing a bunch of photos, 30 bucks from my dresser and my favorite pants.

My 4yo thinks it’s fun to bring up special moments completely out of the blue. So all of a sudden I’ll hear, “mommy, remember when you forgot to water the plant and it died?” or “remember when daddy dropped the burgers on the floor?” Feels like we’re living with a tiny heckler.

An old white man in a beard bestowing gifts from the sky? Please.

“let’s put computers and keyboards in our cars. now let’s go catch all the people typing on tiny keyboards in their cars” – cops

my gf bought a table, a doily, and then a much smaller table and a much smaller doily

women at the gym use every other treadmill like men do urinals

Tried to touch my husband’s face and he tattled on me to his mother.

My dad is in Hawaii for travel…

Whoa. Wait a minute.

So those stick figures on your car aren’t for pedestrians you ran over?

Damn it!

*starts scraping off her stickers*

“If your father asks you to pick up 5 large bags of ice, the best place to put them is in the backyard in direct sun”

~My son apparently