Look, if I have to stop to explain the reasoning behind everything I do, I’ll never get anything done, so could you please just let me finish the construction of this banana cannon
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What’s your favorite song?-Me, to a baby wearing a Metallica shirt at the grocery store.
If someone sends you a link marked ‘Madonna Singing Naked in the Bathtub’ don’t open it.
It’s Madonna singing naked in a bathtub.
Would the person who has been writing my horoscope please lighten up.
I’m just a girl, standing in a public restroom, begging someone, anyone, to install better ventilation
I invented a breakfast calzone this morning, hashbrowns as the double crust with an omelette in the middle. So now I have to marry myself.
[shower song] Im all outta Dove
Im soapless without you
I’ll never get clean
Now that you are all gone
*grabs shampoo mic*
IM ALL OUTTA DOVE
DOG BOSS: Any messages for me?
DOG ASSISTANT: just one from Mr. Agoodboy
DOG BOSS: who’s Agoodboy?
DOG ASSISTANT: *tail starts wagging*
me: help! that guy stole my identity!
also me: no i didn’t
When a cop tells you to “spread ’em” he is not flirting. I know this now.
Don’t complain to me about gaining weight until you’ve outgrown a necklace.
Hell hath no fury like a small child being told there’s only fruit for dessert.
My husband: If mushrooms can have a vocabulary of up to 50 words to communicate with each other, I’m pretty sure you can tell me where you’d like to eat.
Me: I don’t know, where do you want to eat?
I can’t divorce my husband right now. I just ordered a new cabinet from Ikea.
SCHRÖDINGER: I got you a present.
ME: If it’s another dead cat I’m going to be furious.
SCHRÖDINGER: *Trying to contain excitement* We don’t know until you open it.
“We’ve got to stop meeting like this,” I say to the neighbor’s cute golden retriever after climbing the fence to pet him.
Baker: what should we call these delightful little pastries
Hannibal Lector: lady fingers
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, but they stay for the intelligent discourse about Benghazi
Lady you have taken “hot mess” to a whole new level, you’re more a scorching havoc really
Anna: If you don’t wanna build a snowman I feel bad for you, son.
Elsa: I got 99 problems but the cold ain’t one.
mom: everyone has to learn to swim
kid: even jesus?
mom: of course
jesus: *sliding across the pool in heelys* lying’s a sin, brenda
My roommate thinks our house is haunted but in the 182 years I’ve lived here I’ve not encountered any problems 🤷🏻♀️
In Seattle, there’s a code that states when two people are walking towards each other, the one with the bigger coffee cup passes first.
My outfit today says “I’m going for a run in the fresh air and maybe do some yoga afterwards.”
My outfit is full of lies.
I’ve been eating this memory foam for weeks now and I can’t even remember why I’m still eating memory foam
What’s this thing called? I’m going with “boingy boinger”
A new level of troll.
The directions say take two of the One a Day vitamins and that’s why nothing makes sense in this world.
cover letters are so embarrassing. why am i writing a love letter to this email job
My dog probably thinks her name is Jesus Christ
This is me
