Look, if I have to stop to explain the reasoning behind everything I do, I’ll never get anything done, so could you please just let me finish the construction of this banana cannon
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I waved at this lady who I thought was waving at me but as it turns out she was actually waving to someone behind me, so to save face I hailed a cab and had it take me home, now I’m doing the walk of shame back to where my car is parked so I can drive it back home too
[DOG COP TV DRAMA]
DOG SHERIFF: Drop the gun, Scruffy. Be a good boy!
SCRUFFY: I know a little secret *lifts gun* All dogs go to Heaven.
If you can pin an animal in the petting zoo down for a three count, you get to take it home.
Sure a sense of humor is important but marry you somebody who knows plumbing bc that’s forever.
pictures of spider-man
I’ve matured a lot. For example, I used to listen to Fall Out Boy and break stuff, but now I listen to Mozart and break stuff
9yo: Dad, how come you’re so good at Mario Kart but so bad at driving your car?
Me: Go to your room.
I dropped my soap in the shower. On purpose. Nothing happened. You guys are full of it.
ME: *holding my crying newborn son* There. There. I ALSO find myself very upsetting.
interviewer: what’s your greatest strength
me: you tell me
interviewer:
me:
interviewer: delegating?
me: that’s right
How do you end an argument with a woman?
Tell her to calm down.
You’re dead now but the argument is over.
Me: *lifts couch cushion*
6yo: what are you looking for?
Me: six thousand dollars
If you don’t want your kids to leave the bathroom light on all the time don’t ask them to wash their hands so much duh.
Fact: There comes a point in every man’s life that he regrets teaching his son about triple dog dares.
Being a parent will make you pay much closer attention to when songs have dirty lyrics.
In unrelated news, how do you get children to stop singing at the top of their voices in public?
Me: I wish my life was like a Disney movie
Genie: *snaps fingers*
Me: …what changed?
Genie: your mom was shot in the woods
I learned two important lessons today. I can’t remember the first lesson, but the second one is I have to start writing things down.
Google: and you want to represent us?
Me: yes, I am very qualified
Google: our file says you searched “how to pretend to be a lawyer” from the waiting room
Me: overruled
Watch celebrities try to hit a fastball? No thank you.
Watch celebrities get hit by fastballs? Yes please.
random dude: heeeeeeeeey
me: i know how to hide a body
My mom: why didn’t you say yes when I asked if you had a boyfriend?
Me: you asked if there were any “lucky men” in my life. My boyfriend’s life is miserable
[sees date shivering]
me: here, take my jacket
her: aw thanks
me: also, take my shirt
her: oh, u don’t have to-
me: [unbuttons pants]
“sixth cousins three times removed” is not related. i’m probably sixth cousins three times removed with a martian.
It’s OK, batteries…no one includes me either.
As the zombies swarm, I ask for one last selfie. By the time they realise their dead flesh won’t activate the touch screen, I’m long gone.
“I’ll see you in hell” should be followed with “and I won’t even stop to say hi”. Otherwise you’re just making plans with someone you hate
[Spelling Bee]
Her: Your word is consent.
Him: Can you describe the word?
Her: Yes.
🙋♀️
If a tree falls in the forest and no one hears it, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the trumpet.
Which word do you think would make a pretty baby name if it didn’t mean what it meant? I’m going with Omelette.