Look, if I offer you a bite of my calamari, you’re bound to offer me a bite of your food. Legally, it’s known as Squid Pro Quo.
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What’s the name of that movie with that actor in which the guy does that thing with that other thing in that place during that time?
Worm: These early birds are decimating our population.
Other worm: I’ve developed some tech that’ll impede their early rising abilities.
Worm: What is it?
Other worm: I call it “a YouTube rabbit hole”
Apparently ‘gravy’ is not an acceptable answer to the question, “What would you like to drink with your meal?”.
White Castle for the Win
What’s the etiquette for showing up to a party you weren’t invited to? Should I bring dip or??
*makes breakfast for two
*eats both of them
first you must answer his riddles
[science fair]
Kid: I made a volcano!
Judge: *trampling children* EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF!
On my way to Mordor
you nerds need anything?
Earth? yeah, I’d hit that -meteor
Moments before my plane doors closed this guy rushes on and goes “I MADE IT BOYS” and like 10 dudes scattered around the plane started cheering and he high fived them all as he went to his seat. Their boys weekend in Bozeman is about to be a feature film
Not to brag but I’m never late for work without a good reason. For example this week my boss is on vacation…
Dang, my 250 million year old salt has expired
*removing hair clog from drain*
Well wookiee here
Guy getting on elevator in my office building..” Going Down?”
Me: “No, but I’ve got time for a hug”
Yesterday my son told me I was the funniest person he knows which was so sweet. Then he asked for twenty dollars.
*bites a radioactive spider
*spider starts tweeting 18 hours a day
Her: I think my boyfriend’s cheating.
Friend: Oh no! Why do you say that?
Her: He’s passing his exams but he never studies.
Me: My eyes are up here
Picasso: I disagree
I often miss my train in the morning. And during the rest of the day. I never should have given away that train
i hate when adults say “tummy.” im a grown up. it’s my STOMACH that hurts because I had too many sweets without mothers permission
Doctors HATE this weight loss secret! (Photo of a woodchipper)
I’ve been experimenting with breeding racing deer.
People have accused me of just trying to make a fast buck.
This is the most amazing dad shit I’ve ever seen. Dude let the baby go, caught the ball, recovered the baby mid air, only spilled a drop of beer and the baby didn’t drop the bottle.
Legendary!
What did one elevator say to another?
Am gonna level with you
An Ontario woman completed a 40,000 piece puzzle, one of the largest in the world. And she’s VERY pissed no one told her the pandemic is over.
So good at ordering donuts my doctor is ordering me a special pill to take every morning.
Calm down mechanic guy. Just here for an oil change. If I wanted to know about all the other shit wrong with my car I’d turn the radio down.
Guys if ur drinking tonight please remember this; u can always use a frozen hot dog if u run out of ice. Ok stay safe & keep it real.