Look, if I offer you a bite of my calamari, you’re bound to offer me a bite of your food. Legally, it’s known as Squid Pro Quo.

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If you don’t think Colorado needs a wall then you’ve never met someone from Wyoming


ME (the manager): Lets get your barista name badge sorted. Do you spell Robert with a Q or a Z?


*puts leash around pet lobster*
I think there will be games and lots of friends to play with Pinchy
*walks into Lobsterfest*


hear me out…

…lasagna-flavoured cologne

not lasagna-scented, i said flavoured

*licks wrists*


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me: I lost the boy
wife: where?
me: at the burrito stand
wife: how?
me: I turned around for a second
wife: yes?!
me: and then for a third


I’m 39 and I still don’t know where to look when the dentist is working on my teeth.