Look, if I offer you a bite of my calamari, you’re bound to offer me a bite of your food. Legally, it’s known as Squid Pro Quo.
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House 4 Sale: older home w/ character & charm. Lovely bookshelves. Ignore Matthew McConaughey, we don’t know how he got trapped in the wall.
Let’s put the delete button next to the most important, most used button on this app, lol
~App developers probably
me, at burger king: before we begin this transaction i would like to introduce you to my hamburger advisor
cashier: okay, what would you like to order?
my hamburger advisor: {whispers to me before turning to the cashier} we would like to see the hamburger first
If women would start naming their periods like hurricanes it would be alot easier for us men to remember which argument you are referring to
i wonder how many time-travelers accidemtaly went back in time instead of forward but then saw a knight & thought “wow look at this robot!!”
Wearing high heels and releasing doves at weddings are so last century. I’ll be wearing running shoes and releasing chickens at mine
I love you just the way you are.
Though I do have a few suggestions.
my sister is about to have a baby and my brother showed up to the hospital in a suit because “first impressions matter”
I just found out it only costs about $100 to change your name!!!
Say hello to Ninja Firequeef!
I’ll be tweeting telepathically today, so if you think of something funny, that’s me.
Siri do my hangover for me tomorrow morning.
“I’m married to a raving lunatic.”
– Actual quote from my husband, yesterday, confiding in our neighbor’s golden retreiver.Joke’s on him. That dog tells me everything.
I think we should send notes to our bosses like when we were in school seeing if your crush liked you but it’s “will you give me the raise I deserve check yes or no”
Sure, I’d take a bullet for you, but how does robbing an ammunition store prove my love?
party idea: “DUI or IUD?” u can only invite people who have one or both and u CAN’T divulge which
I’m going for a run. I have some severely unused sexual energy and tension I need to pound out.
I should be back in about eight days.
At 2am, nothing creeps me out more than the shadowy silhouette of my 3 year old.
All I’m saying is when I’m drunk in the backyard I still put my shirt on just like everyone else, one leg at a time…
Van Gogh: take my ear as a symbol of love
Girl: ew I don’t want this
Van Gogh: I’m glad you like it
Girl: can you even hear me? This is gross
Van Gogh: I love you too
Role playing didnt go so well last night. She was the hot sexy teacher and I the rebel student..so I ditched class. Cause schools for nerds.
Amazing coincidence how the things I agree with are objectively true and the things I disagree with aren’t
Today’s affirmation:
I am open to recieving pizza. I deserve a life that is abundant in pizza. I surround myself with people who have pizza. Pizza.
normal person: 9+7=16
me: if 10+7 is 17 and 9 is one less than 10 then 9+7 must be 16
I bought a small box on amazon and unsurprisingly it came in a large box
the twelve days of christmas is completely unrealistic there is no way that you’re still accepting gifts from someone after four days of birds
[trying to fall asleep]
SHEEP: count us
ME: im good, thanks
SHEEP: *louder* count us
ME:nope
SHEEP: *yelling* count us
ME:*sighs* one, two, thr…
SHEEP: follow us*one hour later*
ME: *knitting a scarf* this is so relaxing
Christmas Eve is good because you can shout “DON’T COME IN HERE!!!” and people assume you’re wrapping their presents, rather than just wanting to be left alone.
David Attenborough, the confusing early years
*first date*
Me: They keep saying we’re destroying the ocean, but you know what the ocean is? Just one big toilet. Two parts water, eight parts feces. All that marine life taking ten craps a day then swimming in each other’s shit for a lifetime.
Waiter: Madam, your sea bass.
When I visit my family’s houses and use their wifi I usually get suggested ads with what they’re buying me for Xmas