@Tmoney68

Look, if I offer you a bite of my calamari, you’re bound to offer me a bite of your food. Legally, it’s known as Squid Pro Quo.

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@Popehat

If you don’t think Colorado needs a wall then you’ve never met someone from Wyoming

@sonictyrant

ME (the manager): Lets get your barista name badge sorted. Do you spell Robert with a Q or a Z?

@BuckyIsotope

*puts leash around pet lobster*
I think there will be games and lots of friends to play with Pinchy
*walks into Lobsterfest*
COVER YOUR EYES

@McGrumpenstein

hear me out…

…lasagna-flavoured cologne

not lasagna-scented, i said flavoured

*licks wrists*

@

a:2:{i:0;a:5:{s:4:”user”;s:8:”Muath_tu”;s:5:”image”;s:62:”http://a0.twimg.com/profile_images/2620740096/image_bigger.jpg”;s:6:”id_str”;s:18:”325592944465809411″;s:7:”retweet”;s:2:”43″;s:5:”tweet”;s:75:”Smart and sophisticated till you like someone and suddenly you’re a donkey.”;}s:7:”retweet”;i:1;}

@MarfSalvador

me: I lost the boy
wife: where?
me: at the burrito stand
wife: how?
me: I turned around for a second
wife: yes?!
me: and then for a third

@thestlouisan

I’m 39 and I still don’t know where to look when the dentist is working on my teeth.