Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I really hope that people are staring at me because they think I’m pretty and not because I slipped on ice and into a parked car.

If I were a manager at Stabucks I would be like, “You showed up latte for work today!” then when the laughing stops, “but no, you’re fired.”

(second date)
me: [eager to show off new tattoo] remember how you said you liked garlic bread

There are three stages in a woman’s life.
1. Pampers
2. Always
3. Depends

The best thing about being kidnapped is it’s like an automatic best friend who can’t let you leave or you’ll go to the police.

Group- “Can believe Jesus just turned water into wine?!”

Me- *cutting up lines of table salt* “hey um, Jesus… soo can you do me a favor?”

*walks up to cashier with paper towels*

Are these the largest tampons you have?

There are no sleep rules anymore. If you’re sleepy, you just sleep. It doesn’t matter if it’s an appropriate nap time or not. It doesn’t matter if you sleep 2 or 6 hours. Literally no one is policing this.

I do not want a robot dog. I do want some sort of high-speed Wi-Fi router mobile hotspot installed in my current dog

Since mask-wearing began, many of us have developed the ability to say “thank you” using only our eyes, as well as a few other phrases that end in “you”

Babies are like Starbucks because they’re expensive as shit and yet you still forget them on the roof of your car

I actually turned on the light so the Roomba could “see” where it was going, so I’m not exactly firing on all cylinders today.

At TGIF~
Caesar: I’ll have the salad.
Cleopatra: Me too. Its my salad day.
Waiter: Et tu, Brute?
Brutus *opens napkin*: Oh, great. No knife.

I blocked her number when we broke up. But I never stopped waiting for her message ever..!

Rich people go to parties. It’s what they do. And somehow we must all watch videos of it.

“To hell with it, thats good enough.” – every person after theyve ever tried to iron a shirt. Ever.

It’s really telling how society and Hollywood has been producing all sorts of content about others, but almost none about me, personally 🤔

Doctor: i’d like you to step on the scale.

Me: You first, pal.

[ bob ross paints over me with a tree ]

I forgot my therapist’s name so I just call him Dude

You can literally say “the night is young” at any time of day or night. Nobody is policing this.

FINANCIAL ADVISOR: What’s your net worth?

FISHERMAN: Which one?

I met a pet turtle at the park and I asked the guy if he brings it there to play on the swings and slides, and he responds: “No ma’am, turtles don’t use swings and slides”, and I can’t believe he called me ma’am

It’s a little bit tight did you keep the receipt?

Put the mosquitoes in charge of vaccine distribution do I have to think of everything around here

INTERVIEWER: what’s your greatest strength?
ME: I’m good at untying knots
INTERVIEWER: oh thank god can u get these running shoes off of me?

Airbnb should have an option if you just want to use someone’s bathroom for a few minutes

“HOW” – dyslexic owl

Is there anything more infuriating than the text you get confirming you’ve unsubscribed from the text chain you just unsubscribed from?

A friend cut me from their family Christmas card mailing list, do I send a thank you card or…