Look, if Jesus had risen from the grave, it should’ve been how to tell us how to get boiled eggs peeled perfectly.
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Treadmills:
The only thing worse than running, is running and going nowhere.
going to ask seven friends for advice and then execute my original plan
I let my hair dry naturally after swimming in the ocean and now I’m the star of a Whitesnake video
10 wants everyone to know i’m a horrible parent who never lets him have a friend spend the night tonight. even though he and his friend have spent the night at each others houses back and forth since Monday. kbye
*First Date*
Him: You’ve been really quiet. Everything ok?
Me: *Sadly* Your SnapChat photos made me think you were a super intelligent dog.
roses are red
violets are blue
i hate the sounds
you make when you chew
[driving behind a van with a “watch for motorcycles” sticker]
Me [leans over to wife]: Haha what kind of idiot would take that trade
The first sin in the Bible was eating an apple. The second was murder. That escalated quickly.
Yesterday someone on here said I was more attractive than an actual Prince, and that was a really weird way to discover that my mom had a Twitter account.
The kids are out of town, so I buy things from Ikea because I’m used to having my patience tested.
Batman: Use this spotlight to call me.
Robin: What if it’s daytime?
Batman: *glares at Robin*
Gordon: Yeah, what if it-
Batman: *smoke bomb*
Purse Rules:
1. My wife agreed not to buy designer purses
2. I agreed it’s not a designer purse if I don’t know how much it costs
I’m sorry, but I’m never gonna apologize for who I am.
*except just then*
sometimes i wish a great-grandpa or old uncle had left me a pocket watch i could take out & wistfully rub during these “trying times”
INTERVIEWER: Under special skills, you wrote you can be distant and vague?
ME: *staring out the window* Idk, maybe.
Woke up in middle of night to write down something pressing and important.
*checks notes*
“Some form of ancient mop”.
Wordle is trying to tell me something
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[at restaurant]
Me: What’s under all that garnish?
Her: Nothing, it’s a salad.
*raises hand* is it bc of the gravity
New notice I stuck up in town this morning. Are you this person?
*training the dog to sit*
Me: So you’re already low to the ground, but you must get lower.
It’s unfortunate that our feet can’t taste things because there’s so much potential in flavored socks and crocs.
MOVIE EXEC: So your idea for a superhero is a guy called ‘Candleman’ and his catchphrase is ‘There’s no rest for the wick head’?
ME: Yep!
HIM: Get out
I just want to retire to Ireland and eat fish & chips every day, is that too much to ask?
My bank account: Yes
Recycling bottles.
Pre Covid: These aren’t all mine, I had a party, honest
Covid: I didn’t have a party, I swear, I’m just an alcoholic
i’ll see you in court (at the marriage registry) (i love you)
Takes approximately 7.5 seconds for #Adele to make you mourn a relationship that you weren’t even in.
i feel like if you can prove you got below a C in high school chemistry you should be able to bring big liquids in your airplane carry on
People who leave their underwear at parks are either awesome at sex or terrible at dressing raccoons.